You'll never soar

if you don't let go
of what's holding you down

Strange things

It leaves a weird feeling and uncertainties when one is told to be careful about what one says to who in regards to people that one thought one was able to speak more or less freely with.

Dear friend,

You fascinated me. You still do.

You have inspired me in so many ways. Lots of which you probably don't even know.

You helped shape the person I was, am, and will become. I don't think you know what you've meant to me since when we were together I don't think I knew, and I definitely did not have the words. And now that we're apart, I've lost the chance to share the words that I have found.

Maybe this letter will find you and if it does I hope it finds you well. I am who I am because of you. Sometimes I wonder who I would be if you had not been there when you were but I'm always glad that I am me and you were there. I like who I am even if sometimes I spend too much time in my head, in the past, and wondering what might have been. I am here, in the now and looking forward to what comes next.

Thank you friend, for being you and allowing me to be me. I send my love to you wherever you may be and wonder if you ever think of me...

~Forbsie

Love letters to the past

Writing love letters to the past. To you, to him, to her, even to me. It may seem like a futile task but really it’s a labour of love. A way of recognizing, accepting, and maybe even appreciating, what was and what could never be. A way of saying thank you, and giving a nod to what has made me who I am. No one needs to read them but they are available if you want to. I just put pen to paper and let the words flow, remembering, reliving, just being. Feeling the love and leaving it there to share with someone, no one, everyone. It is what it is. Take it or leave it. If it works for you, great! If not, I wish you luck in finding something that does.

This is me now signing off. Sending my love. xo

Something to think about

90 people get the swine flu and everyone wants to wear a mask.
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom.

(Found using stumbleupon http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2EgOT3/i143.photobucket.com/albums/r140/rwruppel/Swineflu.jpg)

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no whenever you don't want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you're doing here. Believe in kissing."

- Eve Ensler (author of The Vagina Monologues)

Faith

Faith is often blind, a given because it's what you have been told your entire life, but what happens when you question it? When you can no longer believe blindly, just because someone is telling you to? The idea of faith fascinates me, particularly when it comes to religion. The religious faith that some people possess is almost unbelievable. The way that people can take what they are being told and incorporate it without question is something I don't understand. What is also interesting to me, is how the level of security one has with their faith impacts how they handle questions and conversations involving religion and beliefs. From what I have observed, one who is secure in his/her faith is less argumentative and more willing to just generally discuss. They will agree to disagree as needed. On the other hand, one who is less secure and therefore likely has more of his/her own questions that need answers, is more argumentative and more apt to aim at convincing someone else that his/her beliefs are correct. I’ve noticed that the ones that are not entirely sure and potentially even questioning their own beliefs are also more likely to be defensive if you bring up something contradictory to their beliefs. Where someone who’s faith is solid won’t argue with you as they won’t be swayed from what they believe regardless of what you put in front of them.

Just a little something to think about.

Time flies

So, I can't believe it's already April.....that's crazy. Time goes way too fast. So much has changed in the past few weeks and yet everything seems so much the same. I got my hands on a number of things from my childhood as my parents are downsizing. Some of the photos are pretty funny. Maybe I'll post a couple when I have a chance, we'll see. Interesting to see how things have changed when you look back at where you've been in contrast to where you are. Something else to consider is the fact that a photo is a physical reminder of a specific moment in time. Things are not the same and you are no longer the person in that photo. This comes to mind from a comment a friend of mine made in this regard. Anyway, just got to go with it or life will leave you behind.

That's my random ramblings for this morning....I need sleep.....

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." – Ernest Hemingway

"I believe in God, only I spell it Nature." – Frank Lloyd Wright

Challenge

Well, I've decided to take on 101 things in 1001 days. You can follow my progress here: http://erin101thingsin1001days.blogspot.com/ if you're interested. There's also a link there to more info on the challenge.

Random Quotes

Watch your thoughts; they become words.Watch your words; they become actions.Watch your actions; they become habits.Watch your habits; they become character.Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
—Lao-Tze

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
—Will Rogers

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
—Robert Wilensky

We learn something every day, and lots of times it’s that what we learned the day before was wrong.
—Bill Vaughan

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.
—Cyril Connolly

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
—Ellen Parr

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.
—Oscar Wilde

Random joke found on the Psychology Today webpage

How do you get a nun pregnant?

You dress her up like an alter boy, of course.

A dashboard Jesus

A dashboard Jesus, the religious equivalent of a hula girl.

Not really sure what to think. As a non-believer I can’t say I find it offensive. More curious than anything, I suppose. I can’t imagine who would buy it. I’m sure many find it funny, but why would they spend money on it? Though, I guess somebody must or they wouldn’t make them. I wonder what Jesus would think if he were around. Personally, I’d be a little weirded out to find a small version of me intended to sit on the dash of one’s car. But maybe that’s just me. Maybe he’d think it’s cool. I suppose for some a dashboard Jesus may be their way of having their own personal Jesus, as various people sing and preach about. A potentially warped idol but whatever works for you. This is just my two cents. Take it or leave it as you wish.

(Written October 26, 2007 Just found it and thought I'd post it because it amuses me.)

Double standard

It's funny that because I work night shifts it is perfectly acceptable for me to have breakfast at the bar but it's shocking and wrong for me to have a drink when I get home before I go to bed.

Interesting....

Sometimes

Sometimes there is so much to say
but no one to listen.

Photo webpage

Well, I've been playing around with my webpage again (fotosbyforbsie.ca) and I think I've got a set up I'm going to stick with. Originally I wanted to do various galleries but that's proving too much work for me so instead I am posting images one at a time and categorizing them. If you get a chance check it out and let me know what you think.



Cheers!

Worried angel

Where do I go from here?

Where do I go from here? A question I ask often these days. It's ingrained that I should move forward, move up, gain something. If that makes any sense. Take on more, gain more responsibilities, more money, more prestige, challenge myself. Why? Is there a reason I need to keep striving for something more? Is there something wrong with being content where one is, with what one already has?

From icanhascheezburger.com

Everything in between

I am strength
I am fear

I am the familiar
and the unknown

I am everything
you want me to be
and nothing
that you think I am

I am lost and forgotten
and yet a memory
that never fades

I am the first
I am the last
I am the beginning
the end
and everthing in between

Missing you

I miss you.
I miss the simplicity.

When did things get complicated?
When did life get hard?

I remember the long afternoons,
spent doing anything, nothing,
it didn't matter,
as long as it was us.

How did we go from being so close
to being so far apart?

I want the simplicity back.

...

I miss you.

And I can't help but wonder
if you miss me too...

...

Sometimes you can read me like an open book...
and sometimes I wonder if you know me at all...

Life...

where is it going? how much control do we really have? do you take control and do what you want or do you allow others to control the direction your life goes? stuck in the middle of knowing and not knowing and feeling very lost and without direction... i don't know where i'm going... i don't know where i want to be going... but regardless, life goes on...

Do you know what it takes

to give someone your heart?

Thoughts on technology

Technology brings us together and at the same time tears us apart. You can have a room full of people talking but no one is talking with anyone present. How screwed up is that? Have intentions to spend time with a friend but as soon as they're home they're calling someone else, sending emails, and playing with their iphone. Feel real special when left to entertain yourself at their house. Again, screwed up. Technology allows us to communicate in so many ways that were never dreamed possible until recently. Technology is what allows me to put this out there for you to read and consider. So, it's good and it's bad. It allows us to see the world in a way that we never could before. It allows us to go to places that we can't physically go see. It brings the world to us. But at what cost? What are we missing out on by being so technological? What's happening to simple human interaction? We're social creatures. We need interaction and physical contact. Technology allows all kinds of interaction but it tends to cut out the physical contact. And where does that leave us? Technology is the reason many people have no penmenship skills, or spelling skills for that matter. It also plays a role in fostering social awkwardness while in contrast creating a safe way for those who are uncomfortable to communicate with others. Ironic. Technology is what it is. It's the future, whether we like it or not. I just ask that you don't put technogadgits ahead of those who mean something to you. Put too much into technology and you'll become it, you'll lose what makes you human if you aren't careful. And don't forget, even the biggest grump needs a hug every once in a while.

Temptation

Temptation is a twisted kind of evil.

--

I could feel it
but he said it
and made it tangible
made it real

--

desire
passion
risk

knowing that giving in
may result
in losing everything

--

left behind
left wanting
left wondering
left without answers
but many questions

--

excitement
in the unknown
the untouchable
the thing you cannot have

knowing you can't have it
makes it something you want more
no matter how illogical that is
or how good you've got it

--

Temptation is a twisted kind of evil.

Questions and answers

Many questions and uncertainty of whether or not I really want the answers. Got a partial answer to some today and don't really know what to do with that information. My brain works in strange ways and this doesn't help.

There are some questions you don't ask because either way the answer is not beneficial except to ease the curiosity though it may result in a different curiosity leaving one no better off than they were before the question. I'm going in circles figuratively and feeling it literally, which doesn't really make sense but what are you going to do about it? Not much to do about it.

Life is what it is. It doesn't claim to be easy or make sense. It throws curve balls at you just when you think you're starting to figure it out... The world inside my head is an interesting place but I'd recommend you only stay for a visit as it can be a strange place to live...

Crazy

The random things you learn through just listening to those around you and snooping around on facebook...

Random update

Well, I was in Calgary over the weekend to see my cousin get married. Very exciting for them and it was nice to see the family. Also got to see my other cousin's new house, gorgeous. Me = jealous.

For myself, been busy working though recently cut back hours at one job so will have a little more time for myself. Slowly working my way through my photography course as well as working on learning HTML to get my own web page set up. It's a slow process but I'm getting there.

On the opposite, my man's not getting the hours he'd like to at work but at least he's still working. Could be worse. We get a little more time together these days. Looking forward to having a week off together come August and appreciating the time we have as it comes.

That's all for now.

Cheers!

Here's to new beginnings

Here's to new beginnings, not necessarily endings creating them but a fresh start none the less. There are so many ways these come about and often without us even really noticing. Though sometimes they are really obvious as well. A change in perspective and a new way of looking. Happiness, sadness, fear and excitement. A promise. A new life. A forever remembered soul and a tear shed on a pillow. We are where we are and only time will tell where we go from here. Life is funny but regardless of what happens we keep going. So here's to new beginnings and whatever they may bring.

Blacksmith

Too late for love

Too late for love

Now left to wonder
what might have been
but knowing
this is a question
that can never be answered

A question
that will torment
randomly
and univited

Thoughts
fleeting
few and far between
but never forgotten

Too late for love
such a tragedy
that what could have been
never had a chance
and will never be known
except in imagination

Random thought from Monday

It's weird to have things pointed out to you about the person you are when you're sort of aware of them but do not have any idea what to do about, particularly when you realize why you do what you do and it's not something you have contol over.

My father's daughter

I am my father's daughter
the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I am a product of my environment
and this is what I have to work with:
the things my mother has taught me,
the lessons my life has shown.
Challenges have taken me
up, down, and around.
I am who I am because of where I've been
and who I become depends on where I go,
but for better or worse,
I am
my father's daughter

(May 4, 2009)

Take me there

Take me there
to where you are
I want to touch you
feel you
breathe you in

Take me there
so I can just be
I want to know
what it's like
in your arms

Take me there
without question
I just want to follow
along the long
way you go

Take me there
to where you are
I want to be
skin on skin
breathing you in


(Inspired by: http://blanzeflor.deviantart.com/art/Take-Me-There-121041941)

Random thought

Sometimes it takes the dying to teach us how to live

In loving memory...

On April 10, 2008 I received two phone calls early in the morning at work. When my boyfriend called asking if my dad had gotten a hold of me I knew that my uncle had died. My dad phoned a few minutes later. My unlcle had been fighting sarcoma (soft tissue cancer) and at this point we knew our time with him was limited. I had been able to see my uncle the week before and appreciated the chance to share the following poem I had written for him:

So, now a year later, I remember the times with him and I want to honour him in aiming to be the type of person he was. He was a kind and gentle soul who had a way of making you feel special regardless of what else was going on. He also had a great sense of humour and was always smiling.

Here's to you, Ralph.

May you live forever in the hearts

of those whose lives you touched.

I love you.

It makes me easier to take

Introduction
by ~darker-crush

This is me.
Broken for you
into 100 swallow-able pieces.

I am easier to digest that way.

http://darker-crush.deviantart.com/art/1-Introduction-117754826

Random thought:

Not all scars are visible.

Sigh of relief

Conversation had and no harm done. Well, caused some stress but it's all good now. So we'll see where things go from here....

I'm stuck in my own head

I'm stuck in my own head with too many questions and no answers. My brain goes one way and my heart goes another leaving me twisted and contorted somewhere in the middle. I don't know which direction to go. I don't know what questions to ask. Many need to be but where do I start? And what about the ones who's answers scare me? I should not be allowed to be alone in my head. It's not a good place for me to be at times like this. Thank goodness for friends to ramble to that understand without judging me. Thank goodness for that.

I need to have a conversation....now it's a matter of figuring out where to start...

Connecting with an old friend...

Reconnecting lost connections. Picking up the pieces from the past and putting them back together to move forward. Here we are you and I, picking up where we left off. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you hurt but there's nothing I can do when I don't know what's going on. I'm sorry I didn't have you to lean on when needed but again, nothing you can do when you don't know what's going on. That's life. It tears us apart and pushes us back together in some semblance of what we used to be. I am who I am and you are who you are and we wouldn't be here without where we've been. I hope you know that, despite it all, I have loved, I do love, and I will continue to love you. I offer my hand in hopes that you'll take it, and together we can step into the unknown knowing that, if nothing else, we have each other.

Resurecting the neglected

So, I stopped posting on this and instead posted photos and poetry on deviantart. After speaking with a friend who resurected a neglected space just to rant and express whatever is on his mind at any given time I have been given cause to lean the same way. So, here we are and we'll see where things go.

Hmm...

Well, I haven't posted much on this lately...though I don't even know if anyone looks at this so...whatever. I have still been writing, you can check it out at forbsie.deviantart.com along with some of my photographs if you're interested.

A fairy tale for the girls (taken from a fwded email)

Once upon a time
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't fuckin think so.

21 grams

The essence of our being. What makes us who we are. The one thing that can’t be touched and yet shows in everything we do. It means so much, represents so much, is so much, and yet so little. 21 grams. The weight of a soul (according to legend). That’s it. That’s all. Nothing more. Just 21 grams. It’s weird to think about. Hard to wrap your mind around. How is it, that something so small, is so much of who we are? Does it even make sense to try and measure the weight of a soul? Why should it weigh anything at all? Why 21 grams? Maybe there’s some kind of significance that is beyond our ability to understand, maybe it’s significant on a plane of existence separate from this one. Don’t know. Does it matter? Maybe, maybe not. I don’t think the knowledge would make any difference for us, here and now. Just a random piece of information that some might find interesting, and some might use to freak others out. Would you be intrigued? Or would you be freaked out? 21 grams. Not much at all. The last breath we breathe out releases this 21 grams that is believed to be one’s soul. What a strange idea. What do you think? Is this something you can believe or do you think it’s a whole bunch of bullshit? Do you believe we have souls? Or do you believe that what we are now is all we are and will ever be? Have you ever really even thought about it? I’m intrigued by the idea. I like the idea that there is something more than this, though what that may be I haven’t a clue. Do we have souls? I think so. A soul is what allows us to live on in memories and such when we no longer live, and breathe. 21 grams to make us who we are to others. Crazy.

Sketching my emotions

I sketch out my emotions
drawing with my fingers
upon your chest
and running my nails
down your back

I sketch out my emotions
with every look
every stolen glance
and hidden smile
I reach for you

I sketch out my emotions
through the phone cord
when we talk
through pen
when it meets paper

I sketch out my emotions
for everyone to see
I gave up on being subtle
please don't you
give up on me

I sketch out my emotions
in pencil, chalk, and ink
I expose myself in hope
that you will be the one
to expose yourself to me

From your mouth

Words tumble from your mouth.
In one ear and out the other.
Do you think before you speak?
My mind sifts through what you say,
looking for some meaning,
trying to understand.
I'm doing my best to listen
but I'm not sure I'm hearing
all that you want me to.
Word for word.
Word by word.
You speak.
I hear.
You scream.
I listen.
What are you trying to say?
I'm trying to follow your thoughts
but you're losing me.
I watch your lips move
but I'm not sure I follow.
Do you even know what it is
that you want to say to me?
What do you want me to know?
Everything.
Nothing.
Something.
Anything.
I could listen to you for hours
trying to understand the meaning behind
the words that tumble from your mouth.

By the waterfall

I find peace
in a breath of fresh air
as I listen to the sounds
of nature around me.
I sit by the falls
thinking of you.
I wonder where you are
and if you’re thinking of me.
The water feels cool
against my bare feet.
I put my hands in
and watch
as it flows over the rocks
falling into the pool below.
I splash my face
and shake away thoughts of you.
I let go of loneliness
and become one with nature.
Lost
in the sounds of the waterfall
and scents of the earth around me.
A deep breath
and I feel whole.
I have found my peace.

Peace

early morning hours

not a single sound

a sliver of light
hints at what's to come

but right now
in this moment
nothing matters

a breath of fresh air

a warm smile

glance around
nothing moves

it's as though
everything's still sleeping

all is quiet

there are no concerns
no fears
no thoughts

just this time
and this place
and the purest form
of peace


written for a peace contest on deviant art
http://news.deviantart.com/article/29550/

Do you understand?

Will you take my hand,
knowing that with it
you take my heart?

Do you see the fear
and fascination
hiding behind my smile?

Does it matter?

Are you willing
to accept me as I am,
fears and all?

I hope that you are.

Do you feel
the same fear
and fascination
that I do?

Will you take my hand anyway?

Are you willing
to take my heart,
and look after it?

I want to give you my hand
and my heart,
but I’m afraid.

Can you see my fear?
Do you understand?

Sand

rocks
beaten down
to grains

pieces
of something
that was once whole
but is no longer

falling
through fingers
squishing
between toes
getting everywhere

built up
by kids
young and old
just to be washed away
when the tide comes in

constantly moving
forever changing
and yet
always seeming the same

Innadiated

Do you know what it means?
I have an association for it
but it won’t be the same as yours.
What is it?
Noun.
Adjective.
Verb.
Adverb.
Do you know?
Which would you choose?
It really doesn’t matter.
It can be anything you want,
mean anything you want.
Tell me what it means to you
and I might share
what it means to me.


Inspired by a new friend.

a longing filled

a subtle smile
slides across her lips
and touches her eyes
many don't notice
but a few do
and wonder what
she's thinking about

she laughs at herself
and loves the way she feels
thoughts of his smile
the way he looks at her
and the knowledge
that his thoughts
are of her

infatuation
addiction
curiosity
drawn together
by something
that can't be described
but is no less than real

similar
different
unknown
but connected
meeting by fluke
and yet almost intentionally
life is funny that way

delete you from my head

I must delete you from my head.
Remove all memories.
Block all thoughts.
I must erase you from my mind.

I need to let you out of my heart.
Release all emotion.
Forget what you meant.
I need to find me, without you.

I want to remember the good times.
To be able to smile.
Feel laughter take over.
I want to feel whole again.

I have to find a way to move forward.
Forgetting what you are.
Letting go of who I was.
I have to delete you from my head.


written for fotoFRIDAY on deviantart
http://fotofriday.deviantart.com/journal/12995318/#journal

more than I can handle

a single hair;
that’s what I found today.

a single hair,
and all conclusions shatter,
like a shot glass
on a tile floor.

a single hair;
that’s all it took
for the tears to begin;
for my carefully shaped
façade to crack.

a single hair,
and I’ve lost my direction.

a single hair;
who knows where it came from
but it’s here,
and I’m wishing
I wasn’t.

a single hair;
that’s all it was,
but it was yours
and that’s more
than I can handle.

(The stress of randomly finding something that reminds you of someone you're trying to forget. That was the inspiration behind this, though, thankfully, not something I've had to deal with recently.)

For my mother

You helped to shape me
into the woman I have become.

You gave me the motivation
to reach for my dreams.

I am strong
because you showed me strength.

I am beautiful
because you believed.

I am honest
because you would have no lies.

I appreciate the little things
because you taught me how much they mean.

I know love
because you love me unconditionally.

I don’t know who I’d be
without you.

Thanks for everything.

The enjoyment remains

a broken spine
tattered pages
coffee stained
and bent

abused
 but in a loving way

dropped in the tub
kicked across the room
shoved in the bottom of a bag

words
read thousands of times
until the story
is known by heart
 then read once again

the ending never changes
the story always the same
but that doesn't matter
the enjoyment remains

Out of the frying pan ... and into the fire ...

I step out of myself and into the deep blue-green. I leave behind an empty, broken shell of who I used to be. I am no longer that girl. Good or bad? I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. Couldn’t go back to being her if I wanted to, it’s just not meant to happen that way. Engulfed by the deep blue-green and this is my new beginning. My chance to start over. My chance to move forward. To let go of the past. I am who I am because of where I’ve been but I can’t remain stuck in what has been and what was never meant to be. They say life is for the living, so I need to stop being the walking dead. Take hold of the here and now.

I’m getting out of the frying pan …
and into the fire …


(Picture from www.goenglish.com)

we are...

we are the broken
the unwanted
the thrown away
and left behind

we were once loved
once cherished
once honoured
and carried

we used to be there
to be around
to be hugged
and dragged along

we are now here
now alone
now left lost
and forgotten

I take my own hand

I take my hand and pull away. I run, tripping over my own feet. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know where I’m coming from. Somewhere out in left field maybe. Or maybe I’m not coming from anywhere. Maybe the idea that I have a past is an illusion. Maybe I was born yesterday. I don’t know.

I can’t think. All I can do is run. I’m running away. Away from what? I couldn’t tell you, because I don’t know. I just know that I can’t stay here. I can’t watch this happen. I’ll be shattered and broken if I stay.

I don’t expect this to make sense. I don’t expect you to understand, just please let me go. Don’t ask me to stay, because I couldn’t say no. Let go of my hand so I can take it and run. I’m sorry to leave you. I wish I didn’t have to, but I can’t stay and you won’t go, so there is no other choice. This is the way it must be, regardless of our thoughts on it.

Hug yourself so you feel safe. I’ll take my own hand so I don’t feel alone. Now I must go … before it’s too late.

Goodbye … I’ll miss you.

Vanilla Rain

vanilla rain
it washes me away

pure

clean

gone

no more
love
no more
hate
no more
passion
no more
fear

there’s nothing left
I am an empty shell

there’s nothing here

but
vanilla rain
washing me away

vanilla makes him happy

the scent of vanilla
reaches his nose
and he smiles

vanilla makes him happy

a scoop of ice cream
a glass of flavored coke
vanilla anything

vanilla makes him happy

a lousy day
his vanilla piece of heaven
and things look better

vanilla makes him happy

Some lyrics by MIKA

This is the way you left me,

I'm not pretending,

No hope, no love, no glory,

No happy ending

This is the way that we love,

Like it's forever,

Then live the rest of our life

But not together.

I don't really know what it is, except maybe just being able to relate to these lines, but I like it, even if it's rather sad.

Leaves

from green to yellow
leaves fall from trees to the ground
a symbolic death

This was fun. I don't know the last time (if ever) I wrote a haiku. :)

Thomas Edison - model of perseverence

When asked how he was able to go on in his quest to create the light bulb in the face of multiple failures, he famously replied, "I haven't failed 10,000 times, I've discovered 10,000 ways that won't work."

I need an easy friend...

I need an easy friend
someone who will try
to understand

Someone who will not judge
who will know
which questions to ask
and which ones not to

Someone willing
to take me as I am

Confusion

Destruction

Beauty

Flaws

Passion

Fear

Take it all
without a second thought

Give me the chance
to be who I was meant to be
to express myself
however I may try

I need an easy friend...


("I need an easy friend" is from a Nirvana song, I think)

Looking for the old story teller

you walk for miles just to see him
just to see the old story teller
the one that you’ve
heard stories about
some claim he’s lived for hundreds of years
and knows the stories of the world
other’s claim he’s just an old man
looking for attention
does it matter?
not to you
you want to hear the stories
he has to tell
regardless of his reasons for telling them
there’s just something about
sitting at the feet
of a legendary
old story teller

Everything can break

destroying that which seemed indestructible.
the one thing you’d never thought you’d break
begins to bend.
cut to the spine,
bending and reshaping,
creating something new from what was.
everything has its weakness,
even that which appears to be un-breakable,
it just has to be found.

Pieces of broken pottery

Take my hand and walk with me
leave the fleeting memories behind
We'll make a pact to forget
a pact to let the memories fragment
like pieces of broken pottery
swept away by an unseen broom
We'll leave the pieces behind
and pick up where we left off
Times have changed
but we remain the same
A little more battered
a little more bruised
but still the little girl and boy
who fell in love so long ago
There are others out there
to whom we are the broken pottery
but that won't matter
If you take my hand
we will walk on together

I'm a dork

Post number 100

From poetry.com

The Bee Box

In this small box, my love,
you'll not find a ring,
but instead, a brave little bee.
He'll be dead by morn, having given his life
defending his flowers against me.
I felt his sting
while picking the small, purple pansies
growing wild along the roadside,
in hopes of an afternoon bouquet for you.
And I grieved the sting,
more for him than me,
knowing full well the price he paid
for my small pain.
And I allowed him his victory,
leaving his flowers as a memory,
and brought you instead
this brave little bee,
who proves there is love
even in the smallest
of things.

Lowell Parker

Are you thinking of me?

I look at the sky
and think of you
part of me wonders
if you're looking too

I can't help but wonder
if you see what I see
and one question remains
are you thinking of me?

i think i may be lacking sleep...

a green monkey rides a moss rocket while smoking an intergalactic cigarette

what does he see but a purple donkey with rainbow wings being ridden by a little man of blue

they smile and wave to each their own going along on the orange stairway

?

the manic man
encouraging me to read
in order to find
an inspiration
to fill the need

to write
to allow my soul
to bleed

my mind races
trying to plant the seed
looking for the spark
that will enable me
to complete this deed

GIR

Knitted and stuffed GIR (from Invader Zim). Pattern from Johnny's Stew.

writing ramblings to you

losing my mind
tearing at the seems
my lips are sealed
but my body screams

passion
and fright
oh god
what a night

lost and confused
not knowing where i turned
wrecklessly running
and certain to get burned

watching
and waiting
wandering
and hesitating

questions racing
through my mind
if they don't stop soon
i'm going to unwind

self torment
and my mind is frayed
all this
just for getting laid

it doesn't make sense
of this i am aware
but all i can do now
is sit here and stare

you're gone now
and i should have known
that i would be left
feeling very alone

i set myself up
to feel this way
i wonder what you'll think
looking back on this day

you couldn't get me
out of your head
that's the story you told
it's what you said

only time will tell
if what you say is true
but for now i sit
writing ramblings to you

Can I?

I am but a shadow of myself.
Do you recognize me?
Can you still see who I was?
Because I can't.
I no longer see the carefree little girl,
the one with all the dreams,
all the wishes,
and no fear.
I'm so unsure of who I am,
that I don't even know
where to start
to attempt to figure it out.
What do you see when you look at me?
Do you know who I am?
Can you tell me where to start?
I'm lost.
I'm confused.
I'm amazed,
and in awe of everything.
In some ways I am very much
the little girl I don't remember,
but in others,
I'm nothing like her.
It's amazing how we change
without noticing.
It's amazing what happens
when we're busy with other things.
Life goes on,
regardless of what we might be doing.
I am who I am,
whether I understand what that means
or not.
Can you accept me as I am?
Can I?

Dancing in the dark

I dance in the dark
arms outstretched
feet moving
to the beat inside my head

I wonder
if I asked you to dance
would you join me?

Maybe you would
maybe you wouldn’t

I’ll never know
because
I’m too afraid to ask

There’s too much at stake
for me to risk the chance
that you’d turn me down
that you’d say no

I couldn’t survive
my heart being broken
by you

There’s too much
desire
hope
possibility
history

I know that I’m missing out
by fearing failure
but I can’t bring myself
to say the words out loud
to ask you to dance

So here I am
alone
dancing in the dark
arms outstretched
feet moving
to the beat inside my head

... when I'll land

Don't mind me, I'm just falling to pieces. Too many thoughts. Too many unanswered questions. Wanting to cry but the tears won't fall. Wanting to scream but afraid of drawing attention. Afraid of the questions and the misguided sympathy. Not being able to handle the looks of misunderstanding that result from people thinking they know how I feel. You can't know how I feel. No one but me can know that. You aren't me. You don't live in my head. (And some days it'd be nice if I didn't.) I don't know why I am the way I am. Sometimes I think I've got it figured out but there's always a shift and I end up shattered and broken again. An endless cycle. A ride that I can't get off of. I see the carnie with the toothless grin and cackling laughter, but he's no good to me. Don't know what I can do but hope the ride breaks down and I will be released. I am bound by unseen chains, blindfolded and gagged. I no longer have control. I am a puppet on a string with an unseen master choosing each move for me. I freefall into nothing and wonder when I'll land, if at all.

We could all use a few more hugs...

Holding on

Disconnected. Confused. Not sure where to go from here. Wanting something. Wanting someone. Don't know if there's a way to make it work. Reaching out blindly, not knowing if anyone's there, if anyone cares. Wanting to try something but fearing the potential consequences if it doesn't work. Not wanting to lose what is but curious about what could be. A couple road blocks leave things very up in the air. Hating feeling like this but don't know what to do to change it. Hoping for something that can't be had. Frustrated. Lost. Left wanting. But what? Don't know. Wanting to feel close to someone. Wanting to feel loved. What needs to be done? Is there anything that can be? Or is it all up to fate and chance? So unsure. Going around in circles. Spiraling. Falling. In love? Out of love? Feels like some strange combination of. Feeling like a chance was missed. Should have been taken before but wasn't. Conversation. Thoughts. Ideas. No way of acting on them. Stressed, with only the self to blame. Though that might not quite be true. Thinking too much. Making something of nothing. But still hoping. Holding on to the possibility. Knowing it's likely in vain and a wasted effort but not knowing what else to do.

Keith Richards Info

According to my sister, from something she saw on TV, Keith Richards told the magazine that he snorted his father's ashes as a joke but they printed it anyway. So he may not be quite as strange as that action would indicate but definitely says something about his sense of humor.

Ha ha ha, Keith Richards is unreal!!!

Rolling Stones Keith Richards snorted his father’s ashes mixed with cocaine, he tells magazine
By Associated PressTuesday, April 3, 2007 - Updated: 04:17 PM EST

LONDON -- Keith Richards has acknowledged consuming a raft of illegal substances in his time, but this may top them all.

In comments published Tuesday, the 63-year-old Rolling Stones guitarist said he had snorted his father’s ashes mixed with cocaine.

”The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father,” Richards was quoted as saying by British music magazine NME.

”He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared,” he said. ”... It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.”

Richards’ father, Bert, died in 2002, at 84.

Richards, one of rock’s legendary wild men, told the magazine that his survival was the result of luck, and advised young musicians against trying to emulate him.

”I did it because that was the way I did it. Now people think it’s a way of life,” he was quoted as saying.

”I’ve no pretensions about immortality,” he added. ”I’m the same as everyone ... just kind of lucky.

”I was No. 1 on the ’who’s likely to die’ list for 10 years. I mean, I was really disappointed when I fell off the list,” Richards said.

© Copyright 2007 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Courtship and Love

It's a game
It's an art form
It's confusing as hell

It's wonder
It's bliss
It's the most pain you'll ever know

It's chance
It's skill
It's complete and utter fluke

Sometimes you get lucky
Sometimes you don't
Sometimes it's just not enough

It's friendship
It's loneliness
It's so much more

It's desirable
It's repulsing
It's something that can't be explained

It's heaven
It's hell
It's more addictive than anything

Do I love him?
Does he love me?
How do we really know?

If I...

If I reach for you
will you take my hand?

If I call your name
will you answer?

If I look
will I find you?

Will you be there
when I need you?

and when I don't?

something of interest to check out

http://www.lismonro.com/

invisible street walkers

a hand outstretched
an embarrassed look
a soft voice asks
"excuse me, can you spare some change?"

what do you do?
reach into your pocket
ignore the request
state you don't have any
offer to buy a meal

how many people walk by without seeing?
how many people ignore those reaching for help?

they're no different than you and i
just down on their luck
made some poor choices
and now do what they have to to survive

could you do it?
could you survive on the streets?
get by without your conveniences
without your morning coffee

do you look down on those who ask for what you can spare?
could you handle someone looking at you that way?
why is it that those who got lucky look down on those who didn't?

yeah you worked for what you've got
some did anyway
but many of those who walk the streets
have worked just as hard
life just delt them a poor hand

they are the invisible street walkers
seen by some
but generally ignored by most
turned away from
looked down on
essentially walked over

think about this
think about what you do
think about if this was you

pieces of my heart

blind my eyes
so i no longer see images of you

deafen my ears
so i no longer hear the sound of your voice

take away my sense of smell
so i never again wonder if you're near

cut out my tongue
so no taste reminds me of you

seal my lips
so i can't speak your name

tie my hands
so i don't reach for you

bind my feet
so that i can't follow you

now walk away

ignore my tears

don't look back
it'll only make things worse

just take your things and leave

i'll get the pieces of my heart
when i'm alone

Some things I've made :)

Purses

Shoulder bag (hard to tell from the pic but this bag is big enough for books and papers etc)

Poncho

Wrap

Toque (looks a little funny on me but whatever)

Baby blanket

Baby booties (modelled by Milo)

where you belong

To be...
...broken
To know...
...love despite this
To want...
...the touch of another
To feel...
...skin on skin

To be...
...starry eyed in wonder
To know...
...you are not alone
To want...
...someone to care
To feel...
...the gentle touch of love's hand

To be...
...locked in an embrace
To know...
...you don't have to let go
To want...
...to hold on forever
To feel...
...that this is where you belong

Message of the day...

Life is short,
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that
Made you smile.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we`re here we
Should dance....

(Taken from an email)

Purple tangents and skeleton key inspiration

Throw purple paint through my screaming silhouette and see what happens next. There is no understanding, only sound. A wandering eye leaves an empty head wondering why it can’t see. The volume increases – my silhouette doesn’t like purple. Couldn’t you have chosen another colour? Inspire someone with a skeleton key and see what doors you can open. Where do they lead? Past? Present? Future? Into the void. Released into the unknown and left to fend for ourselves. No map, no direction, only sound. What can you hear? Anything but screaming? My head is ringing. All I hear is buzzing. Can you make out any words? If you can, please pass them on to me because I can’t. Though, I don’t know if I’d understand them from you either. It can’t hurt to try. Well, maybe it could, but I don’t think it will. Do you still have the key? Or have you given it away? We’re at a passage and there’s a lock ahead. I’m not really sure what it’s locking as I only see the lock. Can you tell? The screams echo through my head to the point that I can no longer think. Ringing and buzzing and mass confusion. Take my hand and lead me out. Lead me away from my screaming silhouette. Oh, why did you have to choose purple?! Has the empty head found the wandering eye? It fumbles along but I don’t know if it has good or bad luck. I wonder what caught the eye’s attention causing it to wander away … I can’t imagine it would do very well for long on its own. Please take my hand. My brain’s doing its own thing and I’m afraid. Thinking too much can’t be good. There are too many tangents. Too many directions. Is there a door near by that we can try? Find out where it takes us. Anywhere is better than here. I’m drowning in screams and all I see is purple. Release me into something new. Somewhere. Anywhere. Nowhere. It doesn’t matter. Ringing. Buzzing. Skeleton key inspiration. A leap of faith and I’m gone.

So I'm a little stuck in the past....

...whatcha gonna do about it?

Looking over my last couple of posts I realize that my brain has been rather past oriented this evening/morning (whatever). Oh well, this is what happens when I have hours of silence in which my mind can wander. Been thinking a lot lately about the relationships I have and have had. Interesting to consider the way those I know and have know have impacted who I now am. Am I better than I was? I don't know but hopefully I'm at least no worse. I'm different but that's what life does, it creates change, and I'm ok with that.

...on the corner of the page

I sit down with pen in hand to write a letter to you. It's been too long, so much has happened. There is so much I want to tell you, so much I want to know but when I put pen to paper the words aren’t there. So many images flash through my mind. Memories of happier times. I remember the way it felt to put my arms around you. The way you looked at me and the way you changed me. These are so fresh in my mind despite the passage of time. I wonder if you ever realized the effect you had on me. I am who I am because of you. I am grateful for the time we had and I can’t help but wonder what might have been had a couple choices been made differently. I suppose at this point it doesn’t really matter. I shared many of my firsts with you and I hope they meant what you claimed they did. I hope you meant the words you said. You meant so much to me during the short time we shared and I think in some ways I may have meant more than I realized to you. We loved each other. We hurt each other, though I don’t think either of us really intended to. We were young and naïve (as much as we believed otherwise). I’ve grown and I’ve changed but you’re one I’ve never forgotten. I don’t know if you think of me but I hope that if you do it’s with a smile. I think of you with fondness and a bit of sadness. I wonder where life’s taken you and if our paths will ever cross again. Is it weird for me to still feel connected despite the fact that I wouldn’t claim to know you anymore? We’re connected by the past. At the present, I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing and I have no idea what the future is going to bring. All I know is that you left footprints on my heart and I will never forget that. I’m sorry for any pain I caused you and if I failed to hold strong when you reached for me. I’m sorry I let my own pain get the best of me. I hope that you know I never wanted anything but the best for you. I tried to understand… So much time has past and I stare at a blank page while a tear drops off my face, leaving a small mark on the corner of the page. I am at a loss for words…

a little bit of hope

a scent
a fleeting memory
and a random thought of you
I look around
and laugh at myself
because I know it can't be you
it's just wishful thinking
and a little bit of hope
a desire
to feel again
the way I felt with you
random memories flood my mind
a look
a touch
a connection
I can't help but wonder
what could have been
though it doesn't matter now
all I'm left with is
a fleeting memory
a scent
and a little bit of hope

From poetry.com

Bliss

is to do nothing
on a sunday afternoon

watching clouds move
leaves waving
paper flapping

a plane glides through
a fig incense burning
my favorite song playing

book open and unread

-Loretta Chang

Decisions

"It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it's mine."

- House of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski

I read this line last night and something just clicked for me. It makes so much sense and yet it's not something I've really ever considered before. Because, if you think about it, if you can't take responsibility and stand behind your own decisions, then how can you expect anyone else to stand behind you on them. Do you get what I'm saying? Really, we never know if the decision we made was right or wrong until after its been made anyway so why can't we just accept it as our own despite what happens after? I've made decisions that turned out well and decisions that didn't turn out so well, but they are decisions I have made and I'm coming to accept that. People, in general, need to learn to accept the decisions they have made whether they like the results or not. Occasionally we are given an opportunity to change decisions that were previously made and we get a second chance to make the "right" one, though it's still up to us as to whether we change the decision or not. But, who's to say whether a decision was "right" or "wrong"? I think it's all a matter of opinion. I may make a decision that someone watching me thinks is stupid, or just can't understand why I would do something like I did, but to me it might be what I need to do, for others involved or maybe just for me. So, we have to accept our decisions as ours and accept that we may have done right for us but others may not be able to understand that. I know I've walked away from good things but when doing so also knew that it was what I needed to do. I couldn't keep doing what I was doing as hard as it was to turn away, it was the decision I had made. I can accept my own choices and accept that they are why I am where I am. Can you? Are you able to take responsibility for yourself, for your actions? Do you know how you ended up where you are? We make decisions all the time. Some requiring more thought than others. Some seemingly insignificant. And some that seem like they will change everything. Our days are made up of decision after decision, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. This is why we need to learn to accept our decisions are ours regardless of whether they are "right" or "wrong", especially because we may never really know. So you know what? Fuck it, it's mine.

...

"I will always want you
I will always need you
I will always love you
... and I will always miss you."

-Haunted, Poe

"... rocking back and forth between wishful thinking and some private agony until the bar breaks. I've no fucking clue."

-House of Leaves, Mark Z. Danieleski