A poem by Alex Dunbar

Here, inside my heart
Where devils fear to tread
Wish you were here
Wish you were near
Wish I could feel your breath
On my ear
Wish I could touch you
I wish I could taste you
And scream your name
As I'm pressed against you
Wish you were here
Wish you were near
Making memories
In the face of fear
Through foreign places
Young passion chases
Far off provinces
And beautiful faces
Wish you were here
Wish you were near
As I turn the page
On another year
With enduring lust
And building trust
Re-discover each other
Despite the rust
Wish you were here
Wish you were near
So you could brush away
An occasional tear
If only we could find
Our wandering minds
Amidst the tumultious
Confusion of the times
Wish you were here
Wish you were near
To sail away
In an oceon so clear
We could prosper and heal
Merge to make love
If only I knew that
You were real

Taking control

razor blades and heartache
pain and confusion
looking for relief
for a release
but there's nothing to be found
a random thought
"draw blood"
seems like a stranger's voice
"break the skin"
but knowing it comes from within
"it's about control"
trying to block the sound
without success
what happens now?
there is a choice to be made
"draw blood"
to listen or to ignore
"break the skin"
trying not to think
"it's about control"
trying to shut the world out
wanting to have control
to know what to do
but losing it
giving in
without really wanting to
"draw blood"
and a flash of red
"break the skin"
the blade slices easily
"it's about control"
a form of control is taken
a form of relief
a form of release



(Note: This is the result of me looking through photography in the category of horror and macabre on deviantart.com)

Torn and Twisted

"Then I'm dying on the bottom of a pit in the blazing sun
Torn and twisted at the foot of a burning bike
And I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell
And the last thing I see is my heart
Still beating
Breaking out of my body
And flying away
Like a bat out of hell"

- Bat out of hell, Meatloaf

I like these few lines from this song. They create an interesting image in my mind. And in an odd way, something I can relate to. I get an image of a heart with wings flying away from a broken body, so taking the lyrics literally. It's a weird idea to be able to relate to the idea of watching one's heart break out of one's body and fly away, and being left broken and heartless. I don't think I'd ever become heartless but I can relate to feeling broken and maybe lacking in control when it comes to matters of the heart. But really, do we ever have control? We like to think so but I'm not sure we do, or even can. We don't choose who we love and/or don't love, it just kind of happens. It's weird to know you need to turn away from someone who loves you because you don't feel the same. But it happens. It's not easy, for either involved but arguably what needs to be done. I am also able to take the description in the first few lines about being physically broken and relating it to the feelings of being emotionally broken. Emotions can so easily be torn and twisted, particularly by those who mean the most to us, though hopefully they're the ones trying to protect us from having that happen. But it is a part of life. We just have to hope that we don't end up so broken that we can't be put back together.

Questions

there are so many questions
some I can answer
some I can't
some I want to ask
but am afraid to
because I don't know
if I really want the answer
some can't be put into words
and some just hang in the air
I don't know where this leaves us
or where we go from here
I'm confused and unsure
and left wondering
about answers I don't have

What your name means...

http://www.paulsadowski.org/Numbers.asp

Erin Rose Forbes

There are 14 letters in your name.
Those 14 letters total to 78
There are 6 vowels and 8 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Irish Male
An ancient and poetic name for Ireland. Famous bearer: Erin from the American television series 'The Waltons'.

Irish Female
From Ireland.

Gaelic Male
Peace; Poetic name for Ireland.

Gaelic Female
Poetic name for Ireland. Peace.

Celtic Female
From Ireland.

Your number is: 6
The characteristics of #6 are: Responsibility, protection, nurturing, community, balance, sympathy.

Birthday Calculator

October 23, 1983

Your date of conception was on or about 30 January 1983 which was a Sunday.
You were born on a Sunday under the astrological sign Scorpio.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/13/1983 and ending 2/1/1984.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Pig.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Snake; your plant is Thistle.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Choiach, the fourth month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 16 Heshvan 5744.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 17 Heshvan 5744.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.10.7.6 which is 12 baktun 18 katun 10 tun 7 uinal 6 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Sunday, 16 Muharram 1404 (1404-1-16).

Your birthstone is Tourmaline -->The Mystical properties of Tourmaline
Pink Tourmaline promotes female balance and protection. Green Toumaline promotes male balance.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Opal, Jasper

Your birth tree is
Maple, Independence of Mind
No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

The moon's phase on the day you wereborn was waning gibbous.

(This came from http://www.paulsadowski.org/BirthDay.asp)

random pseudohaiku

- by Sherwin Tjia

i can't just

leave the suffering

to others

This seems somewhat fitting at the moment. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused but know I feel it to. I'm so broken and confused.

...

A random conversation
that leads to confessions
at the risk of complications.

Logic overrules
a poor excuse.

A single hint
that's not so subtle,
and a decision
to go for it.

Just going with the flow.

No expectations;
no direction.

Many questions,
but no answers;
some avoided,
and others never asked.

A shy smile,
a soft touch,
and a subtle kind of passion.

A shift in dynamics,
and a new awareness
of the other.

A smile and a wave,
as they each go
their own direction.

What happens now
is left to be determined...

Wish you were here

-Pink Floyd

So, so you think you can tell

Heaven from Hell,

blue skies from pain.

Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?

A smile from a veil?

Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?

Hot ashes for trees?

Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?

And did you exchange

a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
Running over the same old ground.

What have we found?

The same old fears.

Wish you were here.

(So, I'm not really sure why I wanted to post the lyrics to this, I just did. Heard it on the radio when my alarm went off today and just felt like posting it. I don't really know if it caused me to think of anyone in particular or if I was just feeling that it would be nice to have someone there with me. I like this song and hearing it today reminded me that I can play it. Maybe I'll pull out my guitar in the near future and just see what I can remember. Anyway, that's all for now.)

Valentine's Day

Well, here we are, Valentine's Day. This seems to be a holiday that there are many mixed feelings and opinions about. In many ways it's a typical "hallmark" holiday, full of consumerism and spending money needlessly. The idea is to celebrate love and romance. Though this just disgusts many single people. To me, it doesn't make sense to have a day to celebrate love and romance because these are things that we should be celebrating all the time, not just once a year. Arguably, Valentine's Day has become a day for those who don't have a "valentine" to bitch and complain about it and for all of us to complain about the downside of love and relationships. I think Valentine's Day should be used to celebrate love generally, celebrate good friends, family, and significant others, instead of just being focused on one's significant other. And it's become so stereotypical, flowers, chocolate, maybe jewelry. Where's the creativity? Says a lot more, at least to me it does, to give something that is unique and fitting to the person receiving and to the person giving. Maybe I sound cynical but I'm a little emotionally confused and broken at the moment so I think it's allowed. Anyway, hope everyone enjoys Valentine's Day however you may be spending it.

Into the pit....

"In any case, there's bound to be much crying.
But the oubliette alone will let you think while dying."

- Cat's Cradle, Kurt Vonnegut

(Picture taken by Erin Forbes 2006)

Bound and caged;

trapped in a haze;

wandering with nowhere to go.

You smile and laugh

at the voice in your head,

and wonder if you've spoken out loud.

Crying,

slowly dying;

losing your mind one piece at a time.

The only torture is that

which you imposed on yourself,

in your time of self-destruction.

The binds that hold you

are the ones you created,

and any change in them you, yourself have made.

The cage you are in,

you built alone,

with the intention of keeping others out.

You've succeeded in this,

but you've trapped yourself in

with nowhere to go and limited help.

Now you stand

looking up at the light,

curious to whether someone is looking down.

Bound and caged;

thinking about how long it's been since you put yourself

into the pit...

Random pseudohaikus...

"What's a pseudohaiku? It's a poem of pure indulgence, a three-liner without the constraint, the pretension of the 5/7/5 syllable form. The subject matter? Relationships, cats, insecurities - themes that recur and built into a pulsing non-linear narrative."
(found on the back of the book The World Is a Heartbreaker)

... taken from The World Is a Heartbreaker by Sherwin Tjia

everything matters.
nothing matters.
swallow that whole.

just
freak
enough

everyone is
sexy to someone.
take me.

some days the
old scars bulge
bright red

(NOTE: I think these are neat and have decided that every so often when I have nothing much to say that I will post a random few from the book I have. Let me know if you have any thoughts on them. Maybe in time I'll conjure up some of my own, we'll see.)

In the balance

Hanging by a thread.

Swinging.

Random thoughts pass through my head.

Did he love me?
Did he mean the things he said?
He's so much a part of me
though there's been no contact for years.
I don't know what happened to him
yet every so often he crosses my mind.

What will happen to me?
I wonder if someone will find me.
I wonder if the thread will last,
keep me swinging
until something is figured out.

I am who I am.
Can you understand that,
or will you try to change me?
I don't know if I can give you all you ask for.
Are you able to accept that?
Are you willing to take what I can give
even if it's not quite what you want?

I'm in the balance.
Balance of what?
I'm not sure.

Connected.

Detached.

Explained.

Undefinable.

Can you follow?
Does this make sense?
Do you even care?

Here I am.

Swinging.

Wondering what's happening elsewhere
while I am hanging by a thread.

Complicating things that aren't

It's not supposed to be complicated and arguably it's not. So, why is it that I keep managing to make it feel that way? I'm getting good at creating unnecessary stress and confusion despite trying to keep things simple. I think too much and I'm not sure how to change that. No one's asking for more than I can give so why do I have this feeling of pressure to give more? I'm such a mess. I feel so broken. I don't even know what the problem is and this makes it difficult to fix. There are so many questions that I can't answer. Some of them don't matter, and I know that, but it doesn't stop me from trying. I don't know what I want and things would likely be simpler if I could just accept this and stop trying to force an answer that I don't have. Does it matter that I don't know what I want? Right now? Not really, yet I seem to stress over this anyway. I really should just be living, enjoying life. Have some fun and stop worrying about what I can't change. Sounds good. Sounds so simple. But, I don't know what to do to do this. I'm attached but disconnected. I'm alive, but am I living? I'm trying but I have to figure out what's worth the stress and what isn't. I need to be me. And I do my best to do that. I don't try to be something just because it's what someone else thinks I should be. That wouldn't make any sense. This is my life and I'm going to do with it what I want, even if currently I don't know what that is. My aim is to have some fun, meet some interesting people, and just see what happens. Simple. Straightforward. And I'll keep trying to stop complicating things that aren't complicated.

Funny Friday Post

At a U2 concert in Halifax, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.
Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice...
"Just for a moment, think outside yourself...Outside this arena.
Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A loud Newfy voice from near the front pierces the moment...
"Well, Lard tunderin jasus, ya stupid arse, stop fockin' clappin', yer hand den!"