of yesterday and tomorrow

I see the writing on the wall.
It says so much with so little
while saying nothing at all.
Letters forming words
forming thoughts
incoherent
yet making complete sense.
Lost in a moment.
Paint blends with ink
trapped in time.
Left for those
who come after.
Memories
from those
who came before.
Not directed to anyone
but there for everyone.
Caught
in the here and now
of yesterday
and tomorrow.

She surprised me with a kiss. Energy surged through my body like electricity. The touch of her fingers on my skin like sparks. My breath catches and nothing matters but her and I, right here, right now.

(July 23/15)

From Theodore Roosevelt's speech "Citizenship in a Republic"

Something random I connected with.

Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog
at the shrine of your light
I'll tell you my sins
so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me
that deathless death
Good God,
let me give you my life

(Take me to church - Hozier) 

Sometimes, despite opportunity, we never pursue something in reality for fear of losing the fantasy...

Where's the line between a comfortable silence and having sweet fuck all to say...

and at what point does it become awkward?

Hot is ...

Hot is admired from afar; beauty is to be held.

Hot is perception; beauty is appreciation.

Hot is smokey-eyed; beautiful is bare-faced.

Hot is an appearance; beautiful is more than skin deep.

Hot is the way she moans; beautiful is the way she speaks.

Hot is a strong appeal; beautiful is strong mind.

Hot is youthful; beautiful is ageless.

Hot is conventional; beauty is unique.

Hot is a one-night stand; beautiful is sleepless nights.

Hot is a state of being; beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Hot is devious; beautiful is innocent.

Hot is bending her over; beautiful is baking her blueberry pancakes.

Hot is sultry; beautiful is wholesome.

Hot is her curves; beauty is her nerves.

Hot is a text message; beautiful is a love letter.

Hot is a facade; beautiful is a woman.

(Stolen from http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/the-actual-difference-between-women-who-are-hot-and-who-are-beautiful/)

From www.highexistence.com

"Leave behind the expectations of what you MUST do in your life.

Abandon the known.

Abandon the comfortable.

Abandon the accepted.

Because in the end, as your lungs are taking in the last few breaths they will ever take,
you will look back on the people you've loved, the places you've been, and all you've
accomplished.

Don't you want all of that to be somewhat interesting?

So,

Embrace the unknown,

Escape your comfort zone,

Love what is different.

It just might give you some good memories."

C.H.

2014....

Here we are, two days into another new year. Really just a day like any other. We have this arbitrary set up for the way we divide things. Yes, it's 365 sunrises and sunsets for the earth to work it's way around the sun (with exceptions for areas with full sunlight or darkness for parts of the seasons) but it's a human construction that the year starts and ends when it does. Same as the length of a second, a minute, and an hour. Time is a strange thing that we often stress over - not having enough, something taking too long, etc. We worry so much about time that we often fail to enjoy the moment while we have it. I've done a lot of self reflection and self discovery as of late. It's been an interesting journey as I'm sure it will continue to be. Through the process so far I've found it interesting the way things come as you need them, or you find them when you need them. I've come across many quotes, sayings, images and had discussions with various people that have unintentionally fallen inline with the things I'm working on or towards. I was asked about a week before Christmas what I was going to give myself for Christmas. Almost instantly what came to mind what forgiveness, understanding, and acceptance. It was fitting given events/experiences of the past 6+ months. It was also really nice to know that the work I've been doing is paying off and I've gotten myself to that point with things.Being able to accept me for who I am and where I am and to go from here is pretty awesome. I'm not one to make new year's resolutions but I am planning to continue this journey of self-improvement and aim to positively effect those around me.

Wishing you all happiness, love, and acceptance.

Sometimes I open my mouth before my brain is engaged. This has mixed results....

Here I bleed for you

Here
I bleed for you

one word at a time
keystroke by keystroke
I pour myself out
for the word to see
well
at least for those
who are willing to look

Here
I bleed for you

wounded
open
exposed
do you like what you see?

Here
I bleed for you

giving everything
tearing
destroying
rebuilding
repairing
drained

Here
I bleed for you

Psychoanalyzed

The id fought valiantly
with blood
sweat
and tears
giving all it had
but the superego won

The ego played it's part
making it all make sense
and the compromise seem fair

The superego gloated
while a piece of the id died
in the blood on the floor


Image from http://surreal32.deviantart.com/art/id-ego-superego-34725464

Emotional minefield and a new perspective

Feeling lost

Trying to understand
the emotional response
of another

Trying to understand
the emotional response
that I don't have

Disconnected

Deflated

Alone

Navigating
an emotional minefield

Not understanding
what's right in front of me

Tears burn my eyes
but I'm not sure why

Feeling like I've said goodbye
though to what
I don't know

So many things coming up
that I don't recognize
I don't know how to process
so all I feel
is overwhelmed

It's too late at night for this

I've had too much coffee

Time to turn my mind off
but that's easier said than done

Let it go

Take another look tomorrow
with fresh eyes
and a new perspective

For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.

― Sam Levenson

Be willing

"The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend." - Henri Bergson, French Philosopher

Hard to move forward if you don't know where you are. Open your eyes, look around, truly look. Be open. Be honest. Be willing to be vulnerable and see what happens.

Harder than it sounds (and it doesn't sound that easy, at least not to me). 

Reminders of the past

random moments
taking me back in time
the scent of you
the way you looked at me
watched me walk away
let me go
despite the desire
to hold on forever
transported to that moment
a split second
and everything comes flooding back
the feel of you
against me
the way my heart raced
when you were near
a wound
so suddenly
overwhelmingly
fresh
despite
the years
the others
so much
in between
all it took
was that random moment
and i'm split open
again

A note of thank you to my friends for always being there.

Socially acceptable self destruction

This concept struck me today. Interesting idea. Something to think about and wrap my brain around....

This Kiss

"This fucking kiss was one of those fucking kisses that makes the world pause to jerk off."
                           ~ The Dirty Gentleman (as posted on quickienewyork.com July 12, 2013

- - - - - - 

Losing my shit
for a single moment
may be worth
risking everything
just to know

- - - - - -

I think of you
my pulse quickens
my breath catches

I imagine your lips
wonder what you taste like
how your lips feel
pressed against mine

your hand
on my neck
my arms
wrapped around your waist

breathing you in

lost in sensation

lips exploring lips
tongues exploring mouths
hands exploring bodies
learning
feeling
finding

losing everything
but this moment in time

- - - - - - 

reaching
finding
only fantasy
nothing tangible
nothing real

Text without context

There are some definite drawbacks to communicating only in words - no tone of voice, no body language, no other clues to say what you mean. Things can get twisted so easily, feelings get hurt unnecessarily, people take offence when none was intended, and you can be left wondering what the hell just happened???? I've read that communication is 55% body language, 38% tone of voice, and 7% words. No wonder there are so many issues when the only thing we're using to communicate is words (don't worry, I see the irony in writing about this...). I'm aware of this and keep it in mind. Sometimes I accept that things may go sideways but go with it anyway as I'm not up to seeing someone face to face or recognize that it's not an option. Other times I'm not okay with it and cherish the relationship too much to go that route and instead will put off a conversation until it can be a face to face. It's necessary to make that call sometimes rather than have things go completely off the rails. Sometimes it's tough but no one said things would be easy. Most things that are worth it aren't. Things that are easy only tend to last for so long, then they either get hard or fall apart. Communication is key in working through the tough stuff. Can't move forward if you aren't on the same page. Becomes super tricky if the communication has fallen apart but neither party involved has noticed yet. That's always an interesting mess to work your way out of....

There's something uniquely peaceful in being awake while the city sleeps...

the scent [of you] remained

the scent [of you] remained

long after [you were gone]

tempting

teasing

inspiring

embracing me

i wrapped myself in it's comfort

that's what i need

comfort

caring

simplicity

easy

so much has gone sideways recently

so many things that once were so easy

have become really complicated

--

i don't know that i have the strength for this

i'm trying to put myself back together

i don't know that i can hold you up too

i want to help

i want to be there for you

but i have to look out for me

i have to be aware

of what i can and can't do

what i have to offer

without detriment to myself

i do so much for others

it's time for me to be selfish for a while

i need to rebuild my base

i need help to do this

and i'm looking to find that in different places

you're not in a space to help me

and i'm not in a space to help you

as much as we want to

we just can't

i think it's going to do more harm than good

to lean on each other

we need to lean on others

keep the communication open

and come back together

when [if] we can

i know this is not what you want to hear

but i can't say what you want me to

not truthfully

this is our reality

this is where we've ended up

i love you

i know you love me

but that may not be enough

When did we lose the innocence?

When did things get complicated?
Where along the way did we lose the innocence?

Simple pleasures
like holding someone's hand
curling up with someone
finding comfort in the proximity of someone else
sharing the warmth and peaceful feeling
there's a connection
it's comfortable
it's reassuring
it's protective

When did it become sexual?
When did it become too far?
Did you not hold hand with your friends as a child?
Cling to each other when scared?
When did this become not ok?
When did this become relegated to significant others?

it's bizzare
we're social creatures
we need each other
yet we try so hard not to
and try to get everything from one source
but that doesn't work
there's a reason the divorce rate is what it is
and why so many relationships fail
we are social creatures
we need each other
one person can not meet all of another's needs
it just doesn't work
we can't be everything to everyone
and realistically
we can't be everything to anyone
not effectively for any length of time anyway

So, why do we keep trying?
Why do we keep fighting what's natural for us?

I don't understand
it doesn't make sense

When did things get complicated?
Where along the way did we lose the innocence?

everything is a product of...

moving forward
one step at a time
one foot in front of the other
one day at a time
learning to let go
learning not to take things on
that aren't mine to deal with
embracing love
taking down the walls
one brick at a time
slowly
it's takes effort
it takes faith
hope
trust
belief
looking through the glass
to see what's on the other side
accepting myself
damaged
imperfect
me
accepting you
for you
not expecting more
than you can give
trusting you
not to expect more
than I can offer
finding balance
with the past
present
and future
none of which exist
without the others
nothing exists
in isolation
everything is a product of
a combination
of various things
timing
and circumstance

Random shit

Thoughts swirl round in circles in my head. Some coherent, some not. Some stuck in a loop, going nowhere, but still there. Some are gone as quickly as they enter. Hyper-focused. Forgotten. Wandering and gone. Grateful for the good in my life. Stuck on desire for something I can't have. Twisting and turning things to gain a different view. Trying to gain perspective. Get a grasp on my current reality. What works. What doesn't. What to keep and what to let go of. Change - inevitable but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Rebuilding myself into something new, a better version than I was before - hopefully - or a lot of work to end up the same. Questions. Answers. Uncertainty. Going forward. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way. It's supposed to be about the journey anyway, not the destination but how do you have a journey without a destination? Lost. Alone. Together. Wanting to reach out. Trying to reach out. Not sure where to reach. Spiraling in my own head. Building walls to protect myself and at the same time tearing them down. Letting others in. Pushing others away. I'm a dichotomy. A mess of contradictions. This vs that. You vs me. Us vs them. Me vs I. Preparing to fight. Not sure what I'm fighting for. Not sure who the fight is against. Seems to be mostly me against myself. Sifting. Sorting. Looking for the relevant bits. Trying to find the things that matter to me. The things that I want. Trying to let go of things that matter because someone else says they should when in the grand scheme of things they don't. Trying to sort out my true wants from the wants that others say should be there. Society's normal is rather skewed and somewhat broken. Just because it's common doesn't mean it's "normal" or healthy. Gotta find what works for me. I am unique. I am an individual. Just because it works for you doesn't mean it works for me. Just because it's the norm or what society says is right doesn't make it right for me. Self reflection. Shattering what I thought were my truths and digging through the remains to find the solid ground to push off from. Need a solid base to grow from. An understanding of the past and present to move forward in to the future. Taking things a piece at a time. One day at a time. Moment by moment. Thinking lots but trying not to think to much. Going with the flow while trying to find my direction. Aiming to be more present. More conscious of what's happening. More engaged. More open. Stronger. Weaker. Excited. Terrified. Exposed and hidden at the same time. Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable because that's what I know. What I can control....

Pushing limits

Let go of "I can't" and push your limits. Let go of self imposed restrictions and try something new. Step out of your comfort zone, ask questions, go forward without all the answers and see what happens. Explore things you never thought possible. It can be scary. Uncertainty is uncomfortable. But there's no adventure without chance. That first step is the hardest. Once you've taken that the subsequent ones get easier. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It'll help you grow. And once you let go of your limits you'll really find out where you can go and what you're capable of. Take a chance and see what happens. Your adventure awaits....

Something to chew on...

Stephen King once said, that “The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.”

Well, “You can talk with someone for years, everyday, and still, it won't mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever.... connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.” C. JoyBell C.

However, Henry Winkler said, that “Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”

And, “Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Lisa Kleypas shared this: “Many times in life I've regretted the things I've said without thinking. But I've never regretted the things I said nearly as much as the words I left unspoken.”

And, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” William Arthur Ward

It seems,that “Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud.” Hermann Hesse

(as posted by Darrel Tank on Facebook today)


 This is interesting for me to read and wrap my brain around at the moment. I have opened up my communication with a number of people in a number of ways over the past few weeks and in some ways maybe haven't considered completely how this changes my relationships. In general I believe it's changing things for the better but some days bring more challenges than expected or anticipated. The quote above by Lisa Kleypas makes a lot of sense to me and I agree that there is more regret with things left unspoken that should have been said than with things that were said that maybe shouldn't have been. You can make up for things said in the heat of the moment but can't go back to say something you should have but didn't. I think this is true of actions as well - there's often more regret for something you didn't do than there is for something you did (though this is not always the case). Sometimes you have a moment to chose to act on something or not and the choice you make can stay with you for a long time - you can be left wondering what if, what might have been, what happened to so and so, and whatever other questions your brain can come up with when given the chance. There are occasions where you will get an answer - I did recently when I was home. I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for about 10 years who the last time I saw was on and off of different drugs, did not have a solid place to live, and for all I knew the odds were pretty good he was dead. It was a surreal moment to see him - he's been clean for over 2 years now, has been working and talked about wanting to go back to school. We had once been very close and life took us very different directions but it was good to see him and learn that he's doing alright. Reminded me about where I've come from, what I've been through, experienced, achieved, the person I was and the person I'm becoming. Thinking about him also connects me with the final quote above: "Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud." This rings very true for me with stuff from the past and current things going on. Being more open means saying more, expressing and sharing things I previously wasn't. This changes things. It impacts the relationships I have, how the others see me, how they see the relationship we have and what happens next. Some things sound one way in my head but no matter how I try do not come out with the same meaning or feeling. This complicates the openess and communication. Sometimes it would be easier to not say things but that's only for the moment as life has shown me that things left unsaid add up to breaking things down. So I'll keep working on opening my communication, saying what needs to be said as best I can, changing my world as I know it and see where things end up.

"...just wanting something doesn’t make it happen and when you spend all of your time banging your head in against the wall, all that happens is that you get a headache."

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2013/07/leveling-up-giving-up-control/

Can you lose something you never really had?

Things I've learned (or admitted) about myself in the past week:

I avoid confrontation in my personal life - detach, shut down. This is not good for much of anything....

I grieve for things that have been lost and also for things that never had a chance...

I allow very few people to really get close to me. I use sarcasm and smart ass remarks as a defense mechanism - can be amusing and make people laugh, played off as teasing, but keeps people at arms length.

I'm fiercely independent - which has it's benefits and drawbacks. It has the potential to be detrimental to relationships....

I have some amazing friends that will stand by me through anything. Lots of love to you all! Thanks for everything!

No matter what happens I will be ok.

Today I choose to try harder

Necessary balance

As much as there is us and we there still needs to be you and me. No one person can meet all your needs. We are social creatures and we need to remember this. Every one of us is unique and has different things to offer. As an individual we connect with different people for different reasons and on different levels to meet different needs. There is nothing wrong with this, it's what keeps life interesting. We need to maintain our uniqueness when becoming us. If the uniqueness is lost then things can get boring and lost in the past. Each individual bringing their uniqueness into us keeps excitement and interest blooming and the relationship growing. To grow as a pair we need to grow as individuals as well. If we can change individually while still growing as a partnership then all the best to us. If we can't, then we need to recognize and accept that for what it is. As long as we've taken care of ourselves while taking care of us things will work out as they should.

Communication breakdown

Sometimes things fall apart to be rebuilt into something better.

I am so grateful for a partner who loves me enough to fight and remind me what I should be fighting for. Been a rough few days but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Interesting timing

As posted on The Emotion Machine Facebook:

Many deep relationships are about building a diverse range of positive experiences with another person.

And the more diversity there is in what you do together, the deeper the bond is, because the more positive memories you have linked to that person - which means more meaning and context behind your relationship's "story."

However, if you're always following the same pattern with someone - doing the same things and replaying the same experiences everyday - then the bond often isn't growing any deeper.

I then decided to check out the website and found this article: http://www.theemotionmachine.com/when-rationalization-gets-in-the-way-of-happiness

Risking the world...

Is it worth it? There's really only one way to find out but you have to be okay with the possibility of losing everything you know and people you care about. Are you okay with that? Not sure? Enter intrigue and desire for someone new and the known world is already upside down. Changes the way what's currently in front of you looks. An easy opportunity for something but hesitation and reality step in. Sometimes things come up that shift your perspective and throw off what you thought you knew and what you thought you wanted. This is when you have to step back for a moment, take the time to assess what's happening, what emotions are flowing, what feelings are coming up. This may not be the moment to take the jump that every cell of your being says take but your brain says: are you sure? This is the moment that risks the world you know, if you jump it changes everything and you aren't the only one it affects. There are loved ones at risk too. There are times that make sense to be selfish and do things to fill your own desires, wants, and needs. There are times when you need to put someone or something else ahead of you as an individual - consider your loved ones, consider the relationships that you have. Not everything comes easy, some things require work. Got to put in the effort to see what may be. Be open, be honest, be fair. Share the decision because it doesn't just affect you and the shift in perspective may be enough for someone else to make their own decisions about what happens next. It is your world to live in, modify, or change but we do not live in isolation so remember how your decisions affect those around you before you risk the world.

Getting to know someone new: dating vs friendship

What's the difference between the early stages of dating versus just getting to know someone new? The dance is much the same: give and take. Got to keep them interested. Keep the tease alive. Give, but not too much. Aim to keep them wanting more, keep them coming back, keep them guessing for what comes next. Much of this probably plays a bigger role when dating but to a lesser degree is still present in a new friendship. Finding common ground, exploring differences, introducing the other to new things. What's the main difference? Is it whether or not your goal is to get the other person naked? What difference does this make when you have already seen them naked....?

Waiting for lightning to strike

Tension felt like electricity in the air. Intrigue. Desire. Attraction. Wanting to make a move to break the tension but hesitant, uncertain. Reveling in the emotions, in the feeling, in the moment and not ready to let go yet. Curious. Tempted. So many questions. Never enough answers. Open. Exposed. Vulnerable. Hidden. Protected. Intrigued. Feeling like a magnet being pulled towards another. Uncontrollable. Can't stop it but not sure this direction is a good idea. Interest is peaked and temptation is winning. They say curiosity killed the cat but how is anything new learned if no one follows their curiosity? Too late now. The moment is gone. The chance has passed. Maybe tomorrow will bring another and the response will be different, then again maybe it won't. We don't know what tomorrow brings until it's here. Still intrigued. Still feel the hairs standing on end waiting for lightning to strike.

Stolen moments

A glance, a smile, a stolen moment in time. A powerful connection for just a second but enough to leave a permanent impression. Passion, desire, attraction. Unspoken things that draw you together and a variety of things that keep you apart. The pleasure and frustration of tease all rolled into one stolen moment.....

...

Yellow stained fingers balance a cigarette slowly burning to ash

The smell makes me dizzy, but I'd never ask you to put it out

You'd argue it's part of your character, charm, or some other BS reason to keep it lit

I watch the smoke curl up and fade away

You watch me, looking for a clue or something to let you into my head

So many keys that don't fit the lock

I catch your stare and smile

You look away, embarrassed

You always embarrassed so easily, I never understood, I still don't

The moment passes, the clock chimes and our time is done

You get up and walk away

I'm left with ashes and a smell that makes me dizzy

Beautiful girl

I hope you found peace. Know that you are loved and that you changed the lives of those who knew you.

Be adaptable!

And just for fun...

Every new beginning is some other beginning's end

Another year has come and gone, and a new one soon begins. We all resolve to do better, to be better, but how hard do we really try? How many of us make the same resolutions year after year without progress? Anyone out there ever resolve to appreciate and work with what they’ve got? Instead of always aiming for the seemingly impossible or at least improbable? Most resolutions seem to revolve around our own self image – stop smoking, lose weight, exercise more. Why not resolve to do something for others? If we all aimed to do more for others and allow things to be less “me me me” the world would be a much nicer, place don’t you think? Maybe you don’t make resolutions. I’m not sure that last time that I really made a resolution. I think for this year I’m going to aim to be kinder to strangers, smile more, let go of negatives, and enjoy every day that I have. That sounds really cheesy, I know, but it’s a good cheesy and something I think more of us should aim to do. It’s not always easy, but nothing worth doing is really ever easy. The goal is to make things better, improve the day to day. If I can make someone else’s day a little simpler then I’ve done my part and it’ll give me reason to smile. :)

So, as you embark into 2012 keep others in mind while you make plans for yourself. Smile at a stranger. Hold open a door. Say please and thank you. It’s the simple things that can make all the difference.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

WISHING YOU AND YOURS THE BEST THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER!

Would you?

Everyone should watch this film.

Make the Connection. EARTHLINGS.com
(click the link for access to full film)

There has to be a better way...

People often talk lots without saying much

How much do you think before you speak?

Do you plan your words or just spew forth verbal vomit?

Do you speak to fill the silence that seems uncomfortable?

Why should silence be uncomfortable?

Yay for doodlers!

I said it anyway

I had something to say but no one was there to listen. I said it anyway to put the words into the wind. Sending vibes into the universe with the hope that maybe someone, something, anyone, anything is listening and hears them. There's a desire to share and express and just be. A desire to be heard, to be understood or maybe misunderstood as things often go. Alone and waiting. Wanting. Needing. Wishing. Looking for that handhold to keep me grounded. Looking for that something special that makes it all worth it. Making everything make sense. Unrealistic? Maybe, but what good are dreams if they don't stretch you at least a little? Follow the yellow brick road and find the answers that were always inside. Look inside and find the you you left behind. The scared little girl. The little boy always putting on a brave face. The teenager with nothing to lose. The adult with everything to lose. We are our own creations, a unique work of art. Too bad most of us can't see it. All we see is flaws and mistakes. But there's beauty in that if we're willing to look for and see it. Perfection doesn't exist and if it did would be a flaw in itself. We are who we are. Accept it. Love it. Change it if you need to but only change for you because changing for someone else never works. Voice your opinions. Be yourself. Be okay with feeling uncomfortable or afraid but do things anyway. Don't let fear stop you. Get out of your own way. If you want something go for it. Forget the naysayers, what do they know anyway? Relish the feeling of accomplishing something you were told you couldn't. Reach for the sky but stay grounded. Stay true to you and aim for happiness. Whatever that may mean to you. Remember your strengths and use them. Remember who you are and share that with the world. We are all beautiful works of art that should be shared. Loved. Admired.

Quote by Marianne Williamson

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

(A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3])

Final challenge thoughts

Well, my 31st daily photo is up and its now September. My 30 days are over. How did I do? Good with some things and no so good with others. To recap:

#3 Take one picture each day (Hard)This one gets harder nearing the end of the challenge because at one point you will run out of the easy shots. This one is great to combine with other challenges, a great way to make a photo diary!
--> I did pretty good with this one I think. There were a few days where I was unable to take a new photo but still shared one from a day or two before. And I think a few days of taking 100+ photos makes up for one or two missed ones. I plan to try to consistenly share more photos maybe posting one weekly or if ambitious enough daily but not necessarily one taken that day. I'll aim to share these on my facebook page and my own webpage (once I reformat it - thinking more photoblog style is what I want). So, if you're interested keep a look out.

#13 Study a topic you’d like to master each day (Hard)Always wanted to know everything about Animal Behaviour? Psychology? Physics? Philosophy? Educate yourself without school! Pick a topic, plan at least a lecture or an assignment each day and become a genius on your passion!
--> So, not at a point of posting in Italian but still working my way through the course. I think I have at least a functional basis to work with while travelling. Going to continue working on it for my trip (27 days till we leave!) and if I don't complete it before leaving then I will continue when I get back so I complete the course.

#18 Inspire yourself each day (Easy)Studies have shown that people who are inspired are happier, nicer, productive and will not stray away from their chosen path if life gets difficult. So print a quote and tape it to the mirror. Have an inspirational video as your starting page. Use an inspirational mantra for meditation. Get a principle to live by. In short, get your dose of inspiration each day!
--> This one was definitely not a difficult challenge, especially when it's the time of year for festivals and volunteering with amazing people.

#19 Take a cold shower each day (Intermediate)Cold showers are great for uplifting ones mood, cure stress related diseases, to strengthens ones immune system and to make your skin beautiful. You can read the reports of some HEthens that have been trying it for some time over here!
--> If you were following my updates at all you already know I scrapped this one. I like my hot showers and was not finding any benefits to the cold ones so gave them up. If you like cold showers and/or benefit from them good for you. Enjoy!

#23 Wake up early each day (Intermediate)It is well to be up before daybreak, for such habits contribute to health, wealth, and wisdom. – Aristotle
--> This one didn't work out very well, mostly because of my work schedule and switching back and forth between days and nights to accomodate volunteering and other events. I tried, and for a while did well with this. Overall, I'd say it was good for me as I put effort in to doing more with my time, more things I enjoy, and not wasting time laying in bed being lazy.

#24 Keep a journal (Intermediate)Great for memory, reflection and especially awesome to look back to in the future and remember the good old times when you did these challenges!
--> Well, again this varied. Tried to regularly post on here as to how things are going and what I've been doing but sometimes I just didn't feel like writing or putting things out there so it didn't happen. I do see some benefits and maybe I should look into a private journal instead of something being posted online (even if it seems no one but me looks at it).

#26 Combine challenges (Easy)Take a photo of yourself reading a different book at a different location. Take 10,000 steps on a new route to meet a stranger and ask for a recipe to try out. Do all challenges, a different one each day. Wake up early to make time to meditate, practice self compassion and yoga. Finish it off with a cold shower!
--> I don't know how to judge the success of this one. I guess I did it as I took on multiple challenges.

#29 Meditate each day (Intermediate)
--> This is another one that didn't pan out very well. I like the idea, it still sounds like a good idea, but I had a lot of stuggles with this and often found it more frustrating than relaxing. I may try this again some time and see if I can find something that works for me but for now I'll just leave it as is.

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21 Big Lessons From Little Kids

What kids know that you should never forget, no matter how old you are:

1. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Even when there's not a prize in the bottom of the box.

2. Sometimes it's best to be completely blunt with people, as you used to be with relatives who wanted you to do something embarrassing or tedious for a shiny quarter.

3. Asking questions is how you figure things out. Lots and lots of questions.

4. An older, wiser Gordie Lachance says in Stand By Me, "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was 12." Lachance is right. The trick is to try to be the friend you were when you were 12: fun-loving and loyal, with no strings attached.

5. Playing is work. Approach your downtime with all the seriousness of a 5-year-old with a secret treasure map.

6. Real guys don't dip their toes in the water. They jump right in.

7. Girls have cooties. Well, the ones you meet in certain bars do, anyway.

8. You hated it when a grown-up told you, "We'll see." It's still unacceptable. Don't say it yourself.

9. The only way to know how something works is to completely disassemble it. (This is still good advice when tackling a complex problem. Your plasma TV? Not so much).

10. There's a reason they don't give credit cards to 8-year-olds. You're supposed to save up money before you buy a new toy.

11. Your body was designed for throwing baseballs, shooting hoops, and jumping off diving boards and stuff. In the secret language of children, the word "fitness" doesn't exist. It's called "having fun."

12. Your world can be half-real and half-imaginary.

13. Homework blows. Bring work home with you and it'll ruin your night. And your marriage. And your family. And your life.

14. Too much of anything will give you a tummy ache. Like, say, bourbon.

15. If there's even the slightest doubt, hit the potty before you leave.

16. The coolest adults were the ones who took the time to listen to you. You still want to grow up to be a cool adult, right?

17. Treasure Island, Dracula: The best books are consumed after dark with a flashlight.

18. Use adrenaline as your drug of choice. You don't need beer, pot, or cigarettes to have a good time.

19. Kissing a girl on the cheek is a big deal. Kissing her lips is an even bigger deal. Seeing her naked for the first time is a major, life-altering event.

20. Going after a target in the urinal makes the time whiz by.

21. Seeing a thunderstorm roll in is better than watching HDTV. And rain isn't something to curse, but to enjoy. Hurry up, before it clears.


(Borrowed from here)

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How bad do you want it?

How Bad Do You Want It from Greyskale Multimedia on Vimeo.

Unreal. Now if I could only figure out what I want...

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Now what?

I've been asking myself this question a lot lately and still don't have an answer. Lots of change happening around me while many things stay the same. Not sure I'm a fan of the current status quo but uncertain as to what needs to change, what would be a better option. Various things come to mind but nothing shines as a clear answer. Any type of change is going to require a leap of faith and acceptance of being uncomfortable for a while. I don't know if I'm quite ready to do that but I am definitely getting tired of choosing unhappiness over uncertainty. I need to make a choice and just go for it. I have support from those who love me and the one who's life is intertwined with mine and would be most affected by this, so there's really no reason not to. It's just the walls I've put up in my own mind, the fears and discomfort that I haven't yet embraced. Working on that. Once I embrace that and determined that I'll be okay then I can jump and hopefully hit the ground running.

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Love my Dr Martens!

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More iphone fun. :)

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Had some fun with a photo app on my iphone and this was my result!

Day 25

I haven't written for the past few days as I really haven't had anything to say. Today's post is borrowed from highexistence.com. Enjoy!

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Still working my way through Fringe photos. This one is from the Late Night Cabaret on August 19.

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Another photo from a few days ago - still working my way through lots so none were taken today.

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Day 18

"Forever has no meaning
when you're living in the
moment. I wasn't ready
for that moment to end."

Amen.


(From impulse by Ellen Hopkins)

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This photo was actually taken on the 16th but I've been working my way through the photos of the past 3 days and wanted to share this edit. So, it's today's photo.

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Day 17

Well there is no shortage of inspiration or photos for me. It's Fringe Festival time here and I've been out to it the last three evenings. Which, incidentally, has also worked for getting up early, so there's three challenges covered by one thing. :) Still struggling to work on my Italian course as playing with photos is more appealing but I'm going to try to get in some of both tonight. Chores are done and things are quiet. I have 4.5 hours left in my shift so should be able to fit both in.

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What's important?

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about two inches in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous - yes.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else were lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have time for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.

"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

~Author unknown

Day 15

Busy weekend, busy Monday, but it's all good. Got my photos from over the weekend posted. Took lots today at the Fringe Festival but haven't had a chance to post one. Maybe tomorrow before I head out to take more - depends how organized I am and what time I get myself out of bed. Will have lots of photos and lots of inspiration this week. I love the fringe. It's so much fun and there are so many amazing people involved to make it happen.

I'm struggling to get back into the groove of my italian course but hopefully the fact that it's coming up quick and plans are being solidified will give me some incentive to get back at it. Being able to speak at least a little coherently would be preferable. So, I should get on that. Maybe after I share a story on here.

Ciao!

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Actually taken on the 13th but this partying was the reason I don't have one taken on the 14th.

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Day 11

So, considering how things have been going I'm modifying my challenges.

I'm opting out of the cold showers because they just aren't working for me and the idea that they're more invigorating and good for the skin is not something I've found to be accurate. I find it more invigorating to have a warm/hot shower and end it with a bit of cold and I can't say I've seen any difference in my skin except maybe that my excema seems worse with the cold water - can't say I'm a big fan of being itchy.

For the waking up early I will continue to work with this idea though my schedule's all over the place so defining early is not the easiest thing and when I have days of only 3-4 hours sleep the next day is almost guaranteed to involved 10+ hours of sleep. So, I'm going to aim not to lay around in bed needlessly. If I've gotten enough sleep I'll get up and go from there.

The meditation I'm going with trying it when it seems fitting and not trying to force myself to meditate daily. I can definitely see how it can be beneficial/useful as some simple meditation of focusing on my breath helped me through 3 hours of tattooing.

I'm continuing to take daily photos, trying to work on my Italian course daily (despite slacking on this over the past week...), being inspired - through the quote I posted as well as other things I'm finding and the people I'm around - and I'm continuing to post here, trying for daily, not always working but I'm pretty close.

The next few days I'm not at home but will aim to continue posting my daily photo and writing a little bit of something. If it doesn't work out then the photos will be posted Sunday and I'll doing some writing then.

Until next time!

"I think everybody should like everybody." ~ Andy Warhol

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Day 10

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."



Watched the video of this talk over the past hour and a bit and have to say I very much enjoyed it. It got me thinking about a number of things and how I live my life and how some of the things Randy speaks about fit or could fit into my life. If you have the time I definitely reccomend that you watch this video. Randy is an inspiration and it's fascinating to learn about what he did to achieve his dreams and how he's helped others to work towards achieving theirs.

I've been trying to remember what my childhood dreams were and, to be honest, I have no idea. I recall seeing a video of me and my classmates in kindergarten in which each of us talked about and showed what we wanted to be when we grew up. In this video I talked about wanting to be a mother. I haven't achieved this in the obvious sense in that I do not have any children but if you consider what I do and the role I play I'd have to say that I have achieved this. I'm a youth counsellor, which essentialy means I am a part time parent to the youth I work with. I am the caregiver, someone who never gives up on them, someone who believes in them and their dreams, and someone that's consistently there for them. Maybe one of these days I will also be a mother in the traditional sense, who knows, but either way I'm going to keep aiming to live my life the best I can and to be good to those around me.

What were your childhood dreams? Did you achieve them? Or have they been lost in time? Given up on?

And as a final note, one of the best pieces of advice in this video:
"Never lose the child-like wonder."

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Day 8

A little funny inspiration for everyone taken from an email I got somewhere along the way.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into awell. The animal cried piteously for hours asthe farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and thewell needed to be covered up anyway;

it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and beganto shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less

NOW ...........
Enough of that crap . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

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Day 6 and 7

Didn't post on day 6 as I didn't really have anything I wanted to say.

Completing my challenges has been lacking as my schedule was shifted to volunteer at the Folk Festival all weekend. Managed the photos but did not work on my Italian course or do any meditation. Also struggling with the cold showers - I really like my showers hot and am not finding much benefit in the cold ones for me so this one may get scrapped or modified anyway, the past couple days have been hot showers with a cold ending, I'll have to decide whether or not to continue with this one. I also have to look at the meditation. It sounds like a good idea but I'm struggling with the motivation to actually give it a decent shot which is resulting in trouble quieting my mind enough, trouble sitting still, and leading to disinterest in it and a little frustration, so this may not pan out either. Otherwise, I still see my inspirational picture and words daily and work on finding inspiration in other things as well and now that I'll be back into a more consistent schedule I'll work on the getting up early, and get back to my Italian course as well.

Have a fantastic week!

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Day 5

Well, today's a bit of a write off as far as the challenges go but I'm okay with that. Had a fabulous relaxing afternoon, a good volunteer shift, and went to see the Conan movie with Herbie and James this evening. Now just hanging out at home, relaxing till it's bedtime. Tomorrow is more volunteering and planning to see K T Tunstall in the evening. :)

Ciao

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Day 4

Today has been a long day so I really don't have much to say at the moment. Got my photo and my cold shower, a few minutes of meditation, tons of inspiration, no Italian, and was up early to volunteer at 9am. Had a fantastic volunteer shift and evening of music at the Folk Festival. After a day full of sun and fresh air I'm wiped and will crash soon. So, that's really all I have for now.

Ciao

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