Just being me

 Drifting through the vastness of my internal world

Floating like a leaf on the breeze

Watching thoughts come and go

Doing my best not to get caught in the tidal wave

The whirlwind

Not to fall into the rabbit hole

To stay in the place of observation

To stay curious

To feel all there is to feel

To be present and connected

To be fully immersed in the experience

Returning to the breath

Returning to the body

Here and now

Inhale

Exhale

Feel the earth below me

Connecting with the sky above me

Fully occupying this space

This moment

This life

Letting go of the past

And what may come

Grounded

Present

Tuned in

Aware

Just being

Me

 They looked at him questioningly

Not exactly what he was hoping for

but at least they were looking

Now what?

Gotta do something

with this attention

They watch

waiting

anticipating what's to come

Mind blanks

The plan's gone out the window

time to wing it

Nothing's happened

Attention is shifting

and they're no longer looking

Didn't take the chance

Missed the opportunity

Fading into the background again

Just be

Inhale.

Exhale. 

I feel so small.

It was just a dream.

My mind knows that but my body doesn't. It feels like it happened.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Feel it all.

Let go of resistance.

Sit with everything.

Welcome all parts to the table.

No judgement, just love,

and an openness to receive.

Let it be.

Remember. 

You are a being.

So just be.

Perfection

An illusion created

to keep us small

Stay in line

Be what we tell you to be

Be a lady

Be a man

Good girls don't

Boy's don't

Buy this product

Exist this way

I'm over it

Not here to be a half

Not here to fit in

and disappear

Not here to confort and break

just to fit this assigned box

Time to step out

Time to break it down

Time to create something new

Let's create a quilt

Bringing all our uniqueness

Authentic connection

with reverence and love

for all the things that make us us

There is no perfect

We are not meant to be

a supporting role in this story

We're meant to be the lead

and the author of our own

Stories of all kinds

coexisting

like books in a second hand store

Side by side

Each their own

Culminating

in an inspiring collection

of adventure and life

Are you ready?

Take my hand

We'll drop this illusion

and together

we'll build something magical.

Before

 

I sit in the quiet

before the sun rises

before the city gets going

I appreciate the moment

finding presence with my breath

Inhale

Exhale

Inahle

Exhale

No expectations

in this moment

No requirements

No tasks

Just me

and the quiet peace

of this morning

before the sun rises

before the city gets going

holding shame to release her

i entered my internal world
found an angry resistant teen by my side
and a sense of heaviness
she didn't want to go anywhere near
and did her best to convince me not to
i stepped into curiosity
and took her along with me to explore
i moved into the heaviness
i took a breath
and asked "what is this"
then waited
soon i received an answer
shame
clearly stated
the teen wanted out
i told her it's ok and moved forward
i told shame it's ok
she's welcome here
i accept her
i forgive her
i forgive her
i forgive her
repeated until she believed it
she became smaller
i thanked her
expressing gratitude for all my past
for all that brought me to where i am now
she faded away
then i turned to the teen
i turned towards resistance and anger
i turned towards the fear that was intertwined there
i wrapped her in my arms
and told her it's ok
i thanked her for keeping me safe
i welcomed her into the whole
i told her she can rest now
i've got this
and she relaxed into the embrace
becoming one with me

moving into the shadow

this morning i sat with darkness
i held space for her
i stayed present
she screamed
she cried
she pounded the walls and the floor
i don't know why
i'm learning i don't need to know
i filled the space with compassion
with acceptance
with love
i did my best to help her feel safe
to allow her to just be
and for me to just be
present together
no longer alone
deep breath
hands from the universe
layers peeled away
crumpled
and tossed
confusing
but fascinating to watch
release
sigh to exhale
that's enough for today
time to rest
i stroke her hair
and bathe her in love and gratitude
full acceptance
a step closer
moving into the shadow

internal storm

it's hard to sit with myself right now
my body feels like it doesn't fit right
something inside me is crying
i can't find it
i don't know how to offer comfort
or to hold it
it seems like my skin is trying to run away
my bones want to collapse
and the muscles just fade away
water flows in and through
fire burns endlessly
air moves in and out
earth holds things together
while space tries to break it apart
part of me is screaming
let me out
i need to get away
but there's no where to go
there's just here
just now
this moment
i take a breath
welcoming in the chaos
bracing myself for the storm
knowing
i'll be stronger
when it's over
but not knowing
when that will be
or where it will take me
in the mean time
hold on tight
(to what?)
going for a ride
in a hurricane
of feelings and emotions
sensations without context
mixed up
and all blended together
searching for the eye
finding a calmness
in the middle of it all
i'll stay here for now
wait it out
and see what's left...

i asked my body what its trying to tell me and this was the result

fear came to visit this morning
...well that's putting it nicely...

she is a child who came barreling at me in full force and slammed against me. i could feel her as a knot in my stomach. tightness in my chest. a lump in the base of my throat that seems to get bigger when i try to swallow it down. i met her with open arms and collective tears. embraced her. held her. repeatedly told her that she is welcome here. she is safe here. i will hold her for as long as she needs. i embraced all the sensations that she brought. i did my best to drop my walls and be fully present. to just be. letting go of control (not an easy task). moving into feeling. letting my logic brain run as it does without letting it run away with me. holding her. holding me. just be.

breathe...

the alchemy

the alchemy of you
sounds of a language i don't speak
words without meaning
yet i understand them all
the vibrations tune in to an inner part of me
the stardust magic we're all made of
the light
the dark
the spaces between
                                (distance is an illusion)
time and space
just a memory
a moment
lost but not forgotten
still happening somewhere on another plane
in another lifetime
dancing
drifting in the flow
embracing all that is
accepting
changing
                               - moving with purpose -
connecting
reaching out
touching
the alchemy of me

it's all so simple

As night became day
he started to understand the truth
doors opened in his mind
the world grew before his eyes
his breath caught
as the awe set in
awareness
amazement
understanding
acceptance
an inner knowing
becomes conscious
the seed planted long ago
beings to sprout and take shape
a new beginning
a different ending
a magic envelopes everything
his mind is open wide
he begins to laugh
pure joy radiates out
it's all so simple
how did it take so long to see?



(inspired by this prompt: As night becomes day, he started to understand the truth.)

Prompt: The Letter

The Letter

a single page
neatly written
full of concern
full of care
wondering
questioning
reaching out
to connect
across the distance
across the time
sent anonymously
as a surprise
with the hope
of making someone
smile
making a moment
shine a little brighter
creating a chance
to feel a little lighter
to breathe easier
even if only
momentarily

Memento Inktober 31: Samhain

sunset marks the beginning and the end
celebrating harvest
preparing for darker days
midway between
equinox and solstice
magic in the air
people guising
enjoying bonfires
feasting
divination
connection with nature
connection with spirits
open to the change of seasons

Memento Inktober 30: Black Death

epic epidemic
death of the masses
suffering
pain
confusion
no one knowing
what to do
how to stop it
how to avoid it
as it moves
across countries
taking no prisoners
leaving bodies behind
broken families
lost souls
suffering
pain
confusion
black death
takes its toll

Memento Inktober 29: Miserere

seeker of mercy
playing songs made just for you
hoping that you hear

Memento Inktober 28: Evocation

bring spirits forth
bring energy
bring desire
bring the universe

become spirit
become energy
become desire
become the universe

believe you have control
believe you know
believe this is real
believe in the universe

know you have no control
know what you do not know
know this is true
know the universe

Memento Inktober 27: Angel of Death

present at the end
collecting your lasting soul
travelling beyond

Memento Inktober 26: Cursed

outside forces take control
you do what you're told
choice has been removed
outcomes just are
you're a puppet
someone else pulls the strings
this way
that way
up and down
you just go
along for the ride
watching
without power
just there

Memento Inktober 25: Vanitas

Art
imitates life
mocking the fragility
the temporary
the idea that we can hold on
to fame
to fortune
to pleasures
to anything
the only certain thing
is death
this life will end
taking everything with it
contrast the desire
with this certainty
laugh at the absurdity
take it all in stride
vanitas
keep us in check

Memento Inktober 24: Post Mortem

After death...

we don't know what happens
there are lots of ideas and theories
but those who truly know
can't tell
those of us still here
before death
in life
left wondering
sometimes afraid
sometimes intrigued
sometimes planning
for what's believed
giving up now for later
hedging bets
that later exists and will be better
others don't worry so much
and aim to be present
here and now
because we don't know
when now will end
or if anything comes next
now is all we know we have
past is gone
future is imagination
post mortem
may be nothing more
than two latin words

Memento Inktober 23: Black Coat

a black coat
hangs on the rack
alone in the corner
no one knows
who it belongs to
or whether or not
they're coming back for it
it's been there
long enough
that no one
remember
a time it wasn't there
yet everyone wonders
who the owner is
and what may have happened
though
no one dare remove it
just in case
the owner returns

Memento Inktober 22: Ossuary

A box for bones,

nothing more,

nothing less.

Sometimes

a simple box,

like you keep shoes in.

Sometimes

something 

much more elaborate.

A large building.

Catacombs.

Charnel houses.

Regardless,

a final resting place.

Calm.

Serene.

A place to stay.

Memento Inktober 21: Hibiscus

Symbolic

fleeting
             perfection
delicate
             beauty

Used to
attract
             love
             lust
             passion
create
             prophetic dreams                       

Temporary
            glory
            magic
            power

Memento Inktober 20: Red death

A figure in red
like fresh blood
bringing pain
and suffering

it's not an easy end
not a nice way to go
agonizing
though quick

dizzying
and gory
as life oozes
out ones pores

Memento Inktober 19: Atonement

To repair
To admit a wrongdoing
To fix it
To learn from
To grow
To do better
To atone

Memento Inktober 18: Phantom

a dark shape
floating in the corner
observing
not interacting
not interrupting
just there
present
aware
watching
learning
judging
deciding
planning
for what happens next
unknown
often unseen
unnoticed
ignored
we like our ignorance
treat it like bliss
believe that
to know is to hurt
to not know is better
debatable
either way
the phantom is present
just there
not interrupting
not interacting
observing
floating in the corner
a dark shape

Memento Inktober 17: Metamorphosis

Change comes when we least expect it. Forced upon us by circumstance and events outside our control. The universe has a plan. We don't get the details. Metamorphosis happens on nature's timeline, not ours. Control is an illusion. What is is what is. And what will be will be.

Memento Inktober 16: Moth

Small fuzzy insect
Blending into the background
Hardly ever seen

Memento Inktober 15: Memento Homo

"Remember, man, you are dust and to dust you shall return."

Everything is a cycle. From whence we came we shall return. What goes around comes around. Another trip around the sun. There are patterns everywhere if we're willing to see them. We can benefit from them or continue to repeat the same over and over again. There are lessons for us to learn if we're willing. As one of my teacher's said, the universe will tap you on the shoulder to try to get your attention. If you don't acknowledge the lesson, eventually the universe hits you in the head with a two by four so that you no longer have a choice. We all come from the same source and will return to it when this life is done. It's the in between that's the challenge, the adventure, the fun. What are you doing with it? Are you doing what you want to be? If not, what's stopping you? Odds are, if you really look into it, you're the one in your own way. Take a step back. See the bigger picture. What part do you want in it? Our time is limited so do what you love. Enjoy the journey. Enjoy the ride. Embrace the adventure. Remember, man...

Memento Inktober 14: Triumph of Death

Time is limited
Life only lasts us so long
The triumph of death

Memento Inktober 13: Grotesque

Disturbing
distorted
ugly
repulsive
comedic even

Disfigured
not what you expect
maybe the opposite
worse
creepy
potentially evil
potentially not

How do you react?
With disgust?
Do you recoil?
Or maybe lean in to it?
A kind of fascination?
Curiosity
wonder
Wanting to know more

Memento Inktober 12: Sacrifice

Sacrifice:
to give up for the sake of a better cause

What are you willing to sacrifice?
time
money
love
possessions
life
soul
freedom
sleep
nothing

For what would you sacrifice?
god
the universe
your partner
parents
children
friends
family
work
money
fame
knowledge
nothing

There's always a line
always a price
Varies by person
depending on beliefs
desires
passions
what we've been taught

Sometimes sacrifice is
needed
worthy
powerful
wasted
unneccessary
useless

Consider
motives
needs
potential outcomes
Before
giving up anything
for anyone
including yourself.

Memento Inktober 11: Bride of the Grave

Doomed to wait an eternity for a love who isn't coming back.

Memento Inktober 10: White Death

White death
sharp shooter
never see it coming
confusion
mixed feelings
and it's over
thanks
Simo Häyhä

Memento Inktober 9: Judgment

Judgment. An assessment of a situation, of a feeling, of a moment, of others, of ourselves. Often talked about as a negative thing. Creating a goal of being non-judgmental, which, for all intensive purposes, as a human being is impossible. We are wired for judgment. It's what keeps us safe and functional. We judge whether or not to enter a situation. We judge whether or not to eat something. We judge if we think the people around us are good or bad.We judge our own choices based on the results, often forgetting what lead us to that choice in the first place. We're harshest on ourselves. I think mostly because we're taught to be. So many things create judgments that tell us we aren't good enough for a variety of reasons. Generally they're trying to sell us something but that's doesn't erase the impact. A negative voice forms in the back of our minds always negatively judging out choices, who and what we are. There's a positive judgment happening too but unfortunately it's usually quieter, shoved into the background, and yet endlessly cheering us on. Endlessly hoping for better and believing that we are enough regardless of circumstance and such. It knows we are enough as we are, right here and now. We are enough. Judgments are just that. Judgment. An assessment. It's not fact. It's an opinion. Sometimes they fit and sometimes they don't, good or bad. Take it all with a grain of salt. Celebrate the positives and the wins, learn and grow from the negatives and the losses. We're always developing and changing. Judgments just point us in the direction we need to look, the areas we need to assess and decide what we want to do with, if anything. It's your life. Do with it what you will.

Memento Inktober 8: Imprisoned

trapped
caged
surrounded
by bars
made
from
others
expectations

forgetting myself
to fit the mould
forgetting myself
to make it easier
forgetting myself
to be yours

building
a barrier
keeping
me in
or you out
not sure yet
either way
i can't leave

imprisoned
in my own
weakness
trapped
by my own
fears
not knowing
where
to find
a key

Memento Inktober 7: Psychopomp

A guide.
Direction.
Point A to point B
No judgement,
nor opinion.
Spirit to take you through,
to get you where you are to go.
No thought.
No decision.
A job.
A purpose.
Soul manager.
In to your afterlife.
A cleanse.
A transition support.
A compass of sorts.
One direction.
One destination.
No opinion,
nor judgement.
Point A to point B.
Direction.
A guide.

Memento Inktober 6: Afterlife

What comes next? Unknown. Lots of theories. Lots of ideas. Nothing. Something. Anything. Ghost. Heaven. Hell. Reincarnation - begin again. Rebirth as something else, somewhere else. A second chance. Melt back into the mist. Rejoin the greater energy that everything stems from. Afterlife...we have no idea what may or may not be. From this I learn to be present in this life, in this moment. I don't know how long it's going to last or what's going to happen but I want to live every moment I can. I want to be present for the good, the bad, the joyful, the painful, the whole spectrum this life has to offer. I'm not placing bets on what awaits in the afterlife. What I know is that I have this moment. Nothing more, nothing less. Just right here, right now, and I'm going to make the best of it. This is my life and I plan to live it.

Memento Inktober 5: Hourglass

Time trickles by, one grain at a time. Each marking a moment that was but is not longer. The ones above standing in for time yet to come. Do you sit and watch it slip by? Or are you actively present in the moment, unaware of the hourglass counting the moments? We each have a limit. Do you stress about what it is? Or do you believe you're going to live forever? Grain by grain it flows through the curves. What goes through your head when you watch it? Do you think of life or death or something else entirely? What is time really? A construct. Something somewhere along the way we collectively agreed existed. Do you value it? Yours and others? Do you see the limits? Do you pretend they aren't there? Eventually all the sand in the top will be in the bottom. What then? What happens next? No way of knowing till we get there. And once there, no way of letting those left behind know. Make the most of your sand collection. Don't take any grain for granted. Value each moment. Live and be present because you never know when it's going to run out.

Memento Inktober 4: Limbo

The space in between
Wandering through the nothing
Not knowing what's next

Memento Inktober 3: Totentanz

Do you hear the rhythm? Can you feel the beat? The masses are coming. Step by step. In ones and twos and threes. Staccato movement with accents of shrieks. Slow and steady. Quick and neat. Surprising limber for the state of their feet. Dark and dreary, lively and sweet. There's magic in the air with each note rising, bringing forth those who once were but are no longer. Twisting and twirling, turning and flowing. Smooth like jazz and yet rough around the edges. There's a life lost and a life gained. Eye for an eye but not quite the same. The tempo rises, the energy soars. Crescendo reached and release. A collective exhale as they return to the ground. The dance of the dead is now complete, but it's a beat that never really ends.

Memento Inktober 2: Thanatophobia

A rough way to live
fearing the end.
Concerned with every dark corner
and what may be around the bend.

Consumed by not knowing
and lost in wonder.
Jumping three feet
with every crash of thunder.

No present in the moment
merely surviving.
Just going through the motions
not really thriving.

Lost in the dark
not knowing how to live,
death takes over
with nothing to give.

Memento Inktober 1: Pestilence

Pestilence walks by as others fall
dis-ease and destruction in the wake
a dark kind of magic
completely natural
unnerving
unsettling
cleansing
infectious
erasing
for a fresh start
nature always wins

Memento Inktober Intro

Going to use these as writing prompts to doing some creating this month. As it's the third so I'm starting late (I just found it today) there will be three pieces put up today. The plan is to take the prompt (possibly looking up meanings as I'm not familiar with all things on here) and write here then post, no overthinking, no editing. Let's see how this goes.

Your move

I miss you

I hurt

I’m torn between reaching out and walking away

A photo reminder of what was

Left with thoughts of how did we end up here?

An email sent, responses ignored

Threats made to force a reply

How did we get here?

We each made choices that hurt the other, said things we maybe shouldn’t have said, taken things to heart that deserve forgiveness but not knowing how to give it

I asked to set a time to talk

You asked to play it by ear

I haven’t heard from you

You can barely look at me

I don’t understand how we got here and I can’t understand on my own

I thought what we had mattered and would be strong enough to survive

We’ve both been caught up in our own stuff and this may just be too much

Maybe our time has run its course and all we can do is continue moving forward to see if our paths will cross again

Maybe it hasn’t

Maybe you’ll see this and be ready to see me, to talk about the hurt and forgive

Maybe I’ll see your name on a message

Maybe I won’t

.

.

.

Your move

I followed my heart and found you

a jouney of a thousand steps

i took the first one walking away

from everything i knew

everything familiar

everything i thought i wanted

everything others said i should want

stepped into the unknown

looking without expectation

looking without knowing

what i might find

would it be better?

or worse?

as long as it was different

than what i left behind

it's a step forward

a step outside my comfort zone

and into where the magic happens

logic took the back seat

and my heart took over

no direction in mind

just following feeling

making decisions based on what feels right

no more just going with the flow

no more following the path of least resistance

instead

i'm pulling out the machete

and hacking out my own path

creating

exploring

searching

                    not for anything specific

finding the unexpected

but welcome

finding myself

reconnecting

reuniting

opening doors i long forgot

looking through windows

and finding a familiar smile

finding a key to unlock the lost and forgotten parts of me

finding you

                     waiting

                                    watching

welcoming me home

with open arms

and an open heart

You took my gravity

You took my gravity when you left

where did you put it?

is in it your back pocket

next to the photo of me?

You took my gravity when you left

i'm off kilter

unbalanced

unsure of where i am in the space you left behind

You took my gravity when you left

i'm floating in the clouds

looking down

ungrounded

not finding what i'm looking for

You took my gravity when you left

your fingers in my hair

pulling me away

leaving me without direction

You took my gravity when you left

torn apart

broken

left in pieces to be picked up by someone else

You took my gravity when you left

the pieces of my heart

strewn across the room

like the shattered glass you threw against the wall

You took my gravity when you left

i have no air

no voice

no words

You took my gravity when you left

i drift away

like dust

into nothing

We burnt all the bridges

All the world's beauty in a piece of sand.

An eternity in a second.

A split second to lose everything,

one more to gain it all.

Lost.

Found.

Damaged

and therefore unique.

Seconds tick by...

nothing changes.

Nothing ever stays the same.

We keep moving forward

one step at a time

one foot in front of other.

Sometimes three steps forward

and two steps back.

But always forward

because there's nothing to go back to,

we burnt all the bridges along the way.

deconstructing myself

i am deconstructing myself
one layer at a time
removing the facade
that makes other people comfortable
finding my truth
exposing it for the world to see
woman
teacher
student
friend
sister
daughter
lover
all the things i am to others
all the masks
pulled away
what am i to you now?
can you even see me as i am?
or do you put your own veils over me as i remove mine?
can you let me be true to me?
or do you put me back in the box to ease your own discomfort?
does my truth
reveal your own flaws
that you aren't ready to see?
to truly look at?
here i am
willing to expose and look at mine
will you truly look at me?


november 17, 2015

Too much too fast too many too good

Caught in the moment. Caught in between a dream and reality. Not totally sure where one ends and the other begins. Imagining the best, expecting the worst. Not knowing just feeling. Too much too fast too many too good. Three words that turn the world on its head. Everything I understood is no longer. Truth is subjective and impossible to be objective. Wanting it all wanting nothing. Expectations went out the window on day one. No one knows where this road goes but we all keep following it. Looking for something. Looking for anything. Wanting. Waiting. Wishing. Hoping. Feeling. Too much too fast too many too good. A touch. A shiver. A warning unheeded. A sign to turn back ignored completely. Emotions swirl over head. Words spoken unheard. Silence screams to deafen. Defend. Attack. Approach. Retreat. Reaching for something. Anything. Finding magic. Beauty. Desire. Pain. Fear. Love. Pure and simple. Broken but unafraid. Damaged but not beyond repair. The world sleeps. My body pulses. I feel you. You're too far away. Confusion. Hope. A wish made on the moon. A dream becomes reality and I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to do with you. I don't know what to do without you. Too much too fast too many too good. I crave you in the purest way. If there's even such a thing...


November 2, 2015

"The Woman: My desires have always outstripped whatever actually happened.
Nothing ever lives up to desire. No.
And you see I can’t understand why it is we’re capable of desiring so much when in the end we feel so little.
Why is desire so extravagant compared to what actually happens?"

— The Unexpected Man, Yasmina Reza (via thrushbone)

of yesterday and tomorrow

I see the writing on the wall.
It says so much with so little
while saying nothing at all.
Letters forming words
forming thoughts
incoherent
yet making complete sense.
Lost in a moment.
Paint blends with ink
trapped in time.
Left for those
who come after.
Memories
from those
who came before.
Not directed to anyone
but there for everyone.
Caught
in the here and now
of yesterday
and tomorrow.

She surprised me with a kiss. Energy surged through my body like electricity. The touch of her fingers on my skin like sparks. My breath catches and nothing matters but her and I, right here, right now.

(July 23/15)

From Theodore Roosevelt's speech "Citizenship in a Republic"

Something random I connected with.

Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog
at the shrine of your light
I'll tell you my sins
so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me
that deathless death
Good God,
let me give you my life

(Take me to church - Hozier) 

Sometimes, despite opportunity, we never pursue something in reality for fear of losing the fantasy...

Where's the line between a comfortable silence and having sweet fuck all to say...

and at what point does it become awkward?

Hot is ...

Hot is admired from afar; beauty is to be held.

Hot is perception; beauty is appreciation.

Hot is smokey-eyed; beautiful is bare-faced.

Hot is an appearance; beautiful is more than skin deep.

Hot is the way she moans; beautiful is the way she speaks.

Hot is a strong appeal; beautiful is strong mind.

Hot is youthful; beautiful is ageless.

Hot is conventional; beauty is unique.

Hot is a one-night stand; beautiful is sleepless nights.

Hot is a state of being; beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Hot is devious; beautiful is innocent.

Hot is bending her over; beautiful is baking her blueberry pancakes.

Hot is sultry; beautiful is wholesome.

Hot is her curves; beauty is her nerves.

Hot is a text message; beautiful is a love letter.

Hot is a facade; beautiful is a woman.

(Stolen from http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/the-actual-difference-between-women-who-are-hot-and-who-are-beautiful/)

From www.highexistence.com

"Leave behind the expectations of what you MUST do in your life.

Abandon the known.

Abandon the comfortable.

Abandon the accepted.

Because in the end, as your lungs are taking in the last few breaths they will ever take,
you will look back on the people you've loved, the places you've been, and all you've
accomplished.

Don't you want all of that to be somewhat interesting?

So,

Embrace the unknown,

Escape your comfort zone,

Love what is different.

It just might give you some good memories."

C.H.

2014....

Here we are, two days into another new year. Really just a day like any other. We have this arbitrary set up for the way we divide things. Yes, it's 365 sunrises and sunsets for the earth to work it's way around the sun (with exceptions for areas with full sunlight or darkness for parts of the seasons) but it's a human construction that the year starts and ends when it does. Same as the length of a second, a minute, and an hour. Time is a strange thing that we often stress over - not having enough, something taking too long, etc. We worry so much about time that we often fail to enjoy the moment while we have it. I've done a lot of self reflection and self discovery as of late. It's been an interesting journey as I'm sure it will continue to be. Through the process so far I've found it interesting the way things come as you need them, or you find them when you need them. I've come across many quotes, sayings, images and had discussions with various people that have unintentionally fallen inline with the things I'm working on or towards. I was asked about a week before Christmas what I was going to give myself for Christmas. Almost instantly what came to mind what forgiveness, understanding, and acceptance. It was fitting given events/experiences of the past 6+ months. It was also really nice to know that the work I've been doing is paying off and I've gotten myself to that point with things.Being able to accept me for who I am and where I am and to go from here is pretty awesome. I'm not one to make new year's resolutions but I am planning to continue this journey of self-improvement and aim to positively effect those around me.

Wishing you all happiness, love, and acceptance.

Sometimes I open my mouth before my brain is engaged. This has mixed results....

Here I bleed for you

Here
I bleed for you

one word at a time
keystroke by keystroke
I pour myself out
for the word to see
well
at least for those
who are willing to look

Here
I bleed for you

wounded
open
exposed
do you like what you see?

Here
I bleed for you

giving everything
tearing
destroying
rebuilding
repairing
drained

Here
I bleed for you

Psychoanalyzed

The id fought valiantly
with blood
sweat
and tears
giving all it had
but the superego won

The ego played it's part
making it all make sense
and the compromise seem fair

The superego gloated
while a piece of the id died
in the blood on the floor


Image from http://surreal32.deviantart.com/art/id-ego-superego-34725464

Emotional minefield and a new perspective

Feeling lost

Trying to understand
the emotional response
of another

Trying to understand
the emotional response
that I don't have

Disconnected

Deflated

Alone

Navigating
an emotional minefield

Not understanding
what's right in front of me

Tears burn my eyes
but I'm not sure why

Feeling like I've said goodbye
though to what
I don't know

So many things coming up
that I don't recognize
I don't know how to process
so all I feel
is overwhelmed

It's too late at night for this

I've had too much coffee

Time to turn my mind off
but that's easier said than done

Let it go

Take another look tomorrow
with fresh eyes
and a new perspective

For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.

― Sam Levenson

Be willing

"The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend." - Henri Bergson, French Philosopher

Hard to move forward if you don't know where you are. Open your eyes, look around, truly look. Be open. Be honest. Be willing to be vulnerable and see what happens.

Harder than it sounds (and it doesn't sound that easy, at least not to me). 

Reminders of the past

random moments
taking me back in time
the scent of you
the way you looked at me
watched me walk away
let me go
despite the desire
to hold on forever
transported to that moment
a split second
and everything comes flooding back
the feel of you
against me
the way my heart raced
when you were near
a wound
so suddenly
overwhelmingly
fresh
despite
the years
the others
so much
in between
all it took
was that random moment
and i'm split open
again

A note of thank you to my friends for always being there.

Socially acceptable self destruction

This concept struck me today. Interesting idea. Something to think about and wrap my brain around....

This Kiss

"This fucking kiss was one of those fucking kisses that makes the world pause to jerk off."
                           ~ The Dirty Gentleman (as posted on quickienewyork.com July 12, 2013

- - - - - - 

Losing my shit
for a single moment
may be worth
risking everything
just to know

- - - - - -

I think of you
my pulse quickens
my breath catches

I imagine your lips
wonder what you taste like
how your lips feel
pressed against mine

your hand
on my neck
my arms
wrapped around your waist

breathing you in

lost in sensation

lips exploring lips
tongues exploring mouths
hands exploring bodies
learning
feeling
finding

losing everything
but this moment in time

- - - - - - 

reaching
finding
only fantasy
nothing tangible
nothing real

Text without context

There are some definite drawbacks to communicating only in words - no tone of voice, no body language, no other clues to say what you mean. Things can get twisted so easily, feelings get hurt unnecessarily, people take offence when none was intended, and you can be left wondering what the hell just happened???? I've read that communication is 55% body language, 38% tone of voice, and 7% words. No wonder there are so many issues when the only thing we're using to communicate is words (don't worry, I see the irony in writing about this...). I'm aware of this and keep it in mind. Sometimes I accept that things may go sideways but go with it anyway as I'm not up to seeing someone face to face or recognize that it's not an option. Other times I'm not okay with it and cherish the relationship too much to go that route and instead will put off a conversation until it can be a face to face. It's necessary to make that call sometimes rather than have things go completely off the rails. Sometimes it's tough but no one said things would be easy. Most things that are worth it aren't. Things that are easy only tend to last for so long, then they either get hard or fall apart. Communication is key in working through the tough stuff. Can't move forward if you aren't on the same page. Becomes super tricky if the communication has fallen apart but neither party involved has noticed yet. That's always an interesting mess to work your way out of....

There's something uniquely peaceful in being awake while the city sleeps...

the scent [of you] remained

the scent [of you] remained

long after [you were gone]

tempting

teasing

inspiring

embracing me

i wrapped myself in it's comfort

that's what i need

comfort

caring

simplicity

easy

so much has gone sideways recently

so many things that once were so easy

have become really complicated

--

i don't know that i have the strength for this

i'm trying to put myself back together

i don't know that i can hold you up too

i want to help

i want to be there for you

but i have to look out for me

i have to be aware

of what i can and can't do

what i have to offer

without detriment to myself

i do so much for others

it's time for me to be selfish for a while

i need to rebuild my base

i need help to do this

and i'm looking to find that in different places

you're not in a space to help me

and i'm not in a space to help you

as much as we want to

we just can't

i think it's going to do more harm than good

to lean on each other

we need to lean on others

keep the communication open

and come back together

when [if] we can

i know this is not what you want to hear

but i can't say what you want me to

not truthfully

this is our reality

this is where we've ended up

i love you

i know you love me

but that may not be enough

When did we lose the innocence?

When did things get complicated?
Where along the way did we lose the innocence?

Simple pleasures
like holding someone's hand
curling up with someone
finding comfort in the proximity of someone else
sharing the warmth and peaceful feeling
there's a connection
it's comfortable
it's reassuring
it's protective

When did it become sexual?
When did it become too far?
Did you not hold hand with your friends as a child?
Cling to each other when scared?
When did this become not ok?
When did this become relegated to significant others?

it's bizzare
we're social creatures
we need each other
yet we try so hard not to
and try to get everything from one source
but that doesn't work
there's a reason the divorce rate is what it is
and why so many relationships fail
we are social creatures
we need each other
one person can not meet all of another's needs
it just doesn't work
we can't be everything to everyone
and realistically
we can't be everything to anyone
not effectively for any length of time anyway

So, why do we keep trying?
Why do we keep fighting what's natural for us?

I don't understand
it doesn't make sense

When did things get complicated?
Where along the way did we lose the innocence?

everything is a product of...

moving forward
one step at a time
one foot in front of the other
one day at a time
learning to let go
learning not to take things on
that aren't mine to deal with
embracing love
taking down the walls
one brick at a time
slowly
it's takes effort
it takes faith
hope
trust
belief
looking through the glass
to see what's on the other side
accepting myself
damaged
imperfect
me
accepting you
for you
not expecting more
than you can give
trusting you
not to expect more
than I can offer
finding balance
with the past
present
and future
none of which exist
without the others
nothing exists
in isolation
everything is a product of
a combination
of various things
timing
and circumstance

Random shit

Thoughts swirl round in circles in my head. Some coherent, some not. Some stuck in a loop, going nowhere, but still there. Some are gone as quickly as they enter. Hyper-focused. Forgotten. Wandering and gone. Grateful for the good in my life. Stuck on desire for something I can't have. Twisting and turning things to gain a different view. Trying to gain perspective. Get a grasp on my current reality. What works. What doesn't. What to keep and what to let go of. Change - inevitable but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Rebuilding myself into something new, a better version than I was before - hopefully - or a lot of work to end up the same. Questions. Answers. Uncertainty. Going forward. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way. It's supposed to be about the journey anyway, not the destination but how do you have a journey without a destination? Lost. Alone. Together. Wanting to reach out. Trying to reach out. Not sure where to reach. Spiraling in my own head. Building walls to protect myself and at the same time tearing them down. Letting others in. Pushing others away. I'm a dichotomy. A mess of contradictions. This vs that. You vs me. Us vs them. Me vs I. Preparing to fight. Not sure what I'm fighting for. Not sure who the fight is against. Seems to be mostly me against myself. Sifting. Sorting. Looking for the relevant bits. Trying to find the things that matter to me. The things that I want. Trying to let go of things that matter because someone else says they should when in the grand scheme of things they don't. Trying to sort out my true wants from the wants that others say should be there. Society's normal is rather skewed and somewhat broken. Just because it's common doesn't mean it's "normal" or healthy. Gotta find what works for me. I am unique. I am an individual. Just because it works for you doesn't mean it works for me. Just because it's the norm or what society says is right doesn't make it right for me. Self reflection. Shattering what I thought were my truths and digging through the remains to find the solid ground to push off from. Need a solid base to grow from. An understanding of the past and present to move forward in to the future. Taking things a piece at a time. One day at a time. Moment by moment. Thinking lots but trying not to think to much. Going with the flow while trying to find my direction. Aiming to be more present. More conscious of what's happening. More engaged. More open. Stronger. Weaker. Excited. Terrified. Exposed and hidden at the same time. Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable because that's what I know. What I can control....

Pushing limits

Let go of "I can't" and push your limits. Let go of self imposed restrictions and try something new. Step out of your comfort zone, ask questions, go forward without all the answers and see what happens. Explore things you never thought possible. It can be scary. Uncertainty is uncomfortable. But there's no adventure without chance. That first step is the hardest. Once you've taken that the subsequent ones get easier. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It'll help you grow. And once you let go of your limits you'll really find out where you can go and what you're capable of. Take a chance and see what happens. Your adventure awaits....

Something to chew on...

Stephen King once said, that “The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.”

Well, “You can talk with someone for years, everyday, and still, it won't mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever.... connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.” C. JoyBell C.

However, Henry Winkler said, that “Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”

And, “Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Lisa Kleypas shared this: “Many times in life I've regretted the things I've said without thinking. But I've never regretted the things I said nearly as much as the words I left unspoken.”

And, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” William Arthur Ward

It seems,that “Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud.” Hermann Hesse

(as posted by Darrel Tank on Facebook today)


 This is interesting for me to read and wrap my brain around at the moment. I have opened up my communication with a number of people in a number of ways over the past few weeks and in some ways maybe haven't considered completely how this changes my relationships. In general I believe it's changing things for the better but some days bring more challenges than expected or anticipated. The quote above by Lisa Kleypas makes a lot of sense to me and I agree that there is more regret with things left unspoken that should have been said than with things that were said that maybe shouldn't have been. You can make up for things said in the heat of the moment but can't go back to say something you should have but didn't. I think this is true of actions as well - there's often more regret for something you didn't do than there is for something you did (though this is not always the case). Sometimes you have a moment to chose to act on something or not and the choice you make can stay with you for a long time - you can be left wondering what if, what might have been, what happened to so and so, and whatever other questions your brain can come up with when given the chance. There are occasions where you will get an answer - I did recently when I was home. I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for about 10 years who the last time I saw was on and off of different drugs, did not have a solid place to live, and for all I knew the odds were pretty good he was dead. It was a surreal moment to see him - he's been clean for over 2 years now, has been working and talked about wanting to go back to school. We had once been very close and life took us very different directions but it was good to see him and learn that he's doing alright. Reminded me about where I've come from, what I've been through, experienced, achieved, the person I was and the person I'm becoming. Thinking about him also connects me with the final quote above: "Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud." This rings very true for me with stuff from the past and current things going on. Being more open means saying more, expressing and sharing things I previously wasn't. This changes things. It impacts the relationships I have, how the others see me, how they see the relationship we have and what happens next. Some things sound one way in my head but no matter how I try do not come out with the same meaning or feeling. This complicates the openess and communication. Sometimes it would be easier to not say things but that's only for the moment as life has shown me that things left unsaid add up to breaking things down. So I'll keep working on opening my communication, saying what needs to be said as best I can, changing my world as I know it and see where things end up.

"...just wanting something doesn’t make it happen and when you spend all of your time banging your head in against the wall, all that happens is that you get a headache."

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2013/07/leveling-up-giving-up-control/

Can you lose something you never really had?

Things I've learned (or admitted) about myself in the past week:

I avoid confrontation in my personal life - detach, shut down. This is not good for much of anything....

I grieve for things that have been lost and also for things that never had a chance...

I allow very few people to really get close to me. I use sarcasm and smart ass remarks as a defense mechanism - can be amusing and make people laugh, played off as teasing, but keeps people at arms length.

I'm fiercely independent - which has it's benefits and drawbacks. It has the potential to be detrimental to relationships....

I have some amazing friends that will stand by me through anything. Lots of love to you all! Thanks for everything!

No matter what happens I will be ok.

Today I choose to try harder

Necessary balance

As much as there is us and we there still needs to be you and me. No one person can meet all your needs. We are social creatures and we need to remember this. Every one of us is unique and has different things to offer. As an individual we connect with different people for different reasons and on different levels to meet different needs. There is nothing wrong with this, it's what keeps life interesting. We need to maintain our uniqueness when becoming us. If the uniqueness is lost then things can get boring and lost in the past. Each individual bringing their uniqueness into us keeps excitement and interest blooming and the relationship growing. To grow as a pair we need to grow as individuals as well. If we can change individually while still growing as a partnership then all the best to us. If we can't, then we need to recognize and accept that for what it is. As long as we've taken care of ourselves while taking care of us things will work out as they should.

Communication breakdown

Sometimes things fall apart to be rebuilt into something better.

I am so grateful for a partner who loves me enough to fight and remind me what I should be fighting for. Been a rough few days but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Interesting timing

As posted on The Emotion Machine Facebook:

Many deep relationships are about building a diverse range of positive experiences with another person.

And the more diversity there is in what you do together, the deeper the bond is, because the more positive memories you have linked to that person - which means more meaning and context behind your relationship's "story."

However, if you're always following the same pattern with someone - doing the same things and replaying the same experiences everyday - then the bond often isn't growing any deeper.

I then decided to check out the website and found this article: http://www.theemotionmachine.com/when-rationalization-gets-in-the-way-of-happiness

Risking the world...

Is it worth it? There's really only one way to find out but you have to be okay with the possibility of losing everything you know and people you care about. Are you okay with that? Not sure? Enter intrigue and desire for someone new and the known world is already upside down. Changes the way what's currently in front of you looks. An easy opportunity for something but hesitation and reality step in. Sometimes things come up that shift your perspective and throw off what you thought you knew and what you thought you wanted. This is when you have to step back for a moment, take the time to assess what's happening, what emotions are flowing, what feelings are coming up. This may not be the moment to take the jump that every cell of your being says take but your brain says: are you sure? This is the moment that risks the world you know, if you jump it changes everything and you aren't the only one it affects. There are loved ones at risk too. There are times that make sense to be selfish and do things to fill your own desires, wants, and needs. There are times when you need to put someone or something else ahead of you as an individual - consider your loved ones, consider the relationships that you have. Not everything comes easy, some things require work. Got to put in the effort to see what may be. Be open, be honest, be fair. Share the decision because it doesn't just affect you and the shift in perspective may be enough for someone else to make their own decisions about what happens next. It is your world to live in, modify, or change but we do not live in isolation so remember how your decisions affect those around you before you risk the world.

Getting to know someone new: dating vs friendship

What's the difference between the early stages of dating versus just getting to know someone new? The dance is much the same: give and take. Got to keep them interested. Keep the tease alive. Give, but not too much. Aim to keep them wanting more, keep them coming back, keep them guessing for what comes next. Much of this probably plays a bigger role when dating but to a lesser degree is still present in a new friendship. Finding common ground, exploring differences, introducing the other to new things. What's the main difference? Is it whether or not your goal is to get the other person naked? What difference does this make when you have already seen them naked....?

Waiting for lightning to strike

Tension felt like electricity in the air. Intrigue. Desire. Attraction. Wanting to make a move to break the tension but hesitant, uncertain. Reveling in the emotions, in the feeling, in the moment and not ready to let go yet. Curious. Tempted. So many questions. Never enough answers. Open. Exposed. Vulnerable. Hidden. Protected. Intrigued. Feeling like a magnet being pulled towards another. Uncontrollable. Can't stop it but not sure this direction is a good idea. Interest is peaked and temptation is winning. They say curiosity killed the cat but how is anything new learned if no one follows their curiosity? Too late now. The moment is gone. The chance has passed. Maybe tomorrow will bring another and the response will be different, then again maybe it won't. We don't know what tomorrow brings until it's here. Still intrigued. Still feel the hairs standing on end waiting for lightning to strike.

Stolen moments

A glance, a smile, a stolen moment in time. A powerful connection for just a second but enough to leave a permanent impression. Passion, desire, attraction. Unspoken things that draw you together and a variety of things that keep you apart. The pleasure and frustration of tease all rolled into one stolen moment.....

...

Yellow stained fingers balance a cigarette slowly burning to ash

The smell makes me dizzy, but I'd never ask you to put it out

You'd argue it's part of your character, charm, or some other BS reason to keep it lit

I watch the smoke curl up and fade away

You watch me, looking for a clue or something to let you into my head

So many keys that don't fit the lock

I catch your stare and smile

You look away, embarrassed

You always embarrassed so easily, I never understood, I still don't

The moment passes, the clock chimes and our time is done

You get up and walk away

I'm left with ashes and a smell that makes me dizzy

Beautiful girl

I hope you found peace. Know that you are loved and that you changed the lives of those who knew you.

Be adaptable!

And just for fun...

Every new beginning is some other beginning's end

Another year has come and gone, and a new one soon begins. We all resolve to do better, to be better, but how hard do we really try? How many of us make the same resolutions year after year without progress? Anyone out there ever resolve to appreciate and work with what they’ve got? Instead of always aiming for the seemingly impossible or at least improbable? Most resolutions seem to revolve around our own self image – stop smoking, lose weight, exercise more. Why not resolve to do something for others? If we all aimed to do more for others and allow things to be less “me me me” the world would be a much nicer, place don’t you think? Maybe you don’t make resolutions. I’m not sure that last time that I really made a resolution. I think for this year I’m going to aim to be kinder to strangers, smile more, let go of negatives, and enjoy every day that I have. That sounds really cheesy, I know, but it’s a good cheesy and something I think more of us should aim to do. It’s not always easy, but nothing worth doing is really ever easy. The goal is to make things better, improve the day to day. If I can make someone else’s day a little simpler then I’ve done my part and it’ll give me reason to smile. :)

So, as you embark into 2012 keep others in mind while you make plans for yourself. Smile at a stranger. Hold open a door. Say please and thank you. It’s the simple things that can make all the difference.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

WISHING YOU AND YOURS THE BEST THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER!