“I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.”
It’s a little weird to be able to relate to a statement like this, but I can. I don’t know if I can explain it in a way for others to understand but I feel like I’m lost within myself. Wanting to figure out who I am and where I fit but not knowing where to start, or what questions I need to ask. I feel stuck. Every time I think I’ve started to figure things out something happens to throw that off. It’s not necessarily anything significant, just something. Sometimes it’s an event, sometimes it’s something someone says, and sometimes it’s just a single thought that flashes through my mind. I want to reach out to others for help, for reassurance, for some understanding … but I’m just not sure how. I don’t know if I can. My track record makes it hard to know. I feel close to people on some levels and on others can’t seem to let go of my independence enough to rely on someone else. Part of this may be because of people I’ve known proving to be unreliable when I needed someone just to be there. Part of it also may be from often being the strength for someone else, just being used to being the one to be leaned on. I’m not really sure. Just trying to express some thoughts. Don’t really know if any of this makes sense, but I’m not too worried about that, as this isn’t really being done for anyone but me. I wonder if I’m capable of opening myself up enough to be vulnerable to someone else … I used to be but I’m not so sure I am anymore. I don’t like being vulnerable and I’m not sure about someone else having that kind of impact on me. On the other hand, I’m not a big fan of having that kind of impact on someone else either. It scares me to think of the pain that someone could cause me, or that I could cause someone else, to feel. My thoughts are so scattered, I’m not really certain of anything. I don’t know who I am or who I want to be. And I don’t know how to go about figuring that out. So, like it says in the quote, if you see me before I do please ask me to wait.
1 comment:
I think I can relate to something that feels similar. Although I am not disturbed by it anymore. I am just floating now, not worried about who I should be perceved to be, who I'm sleeping with, or where my goals sit, etc. so long as I am living life happy. It's strange how independent I have become and how distant my family sees me now. I could ultimately disappear for weeks and no one would expect me to call. This mentality will likely lead me into hot waters once someone wants more from me. But for now, I don't miss anyone. Hopefully, I will reconnect in time and catch up with others, but some distance and silence feels fine right now. I hope the pressure to say things like "I love you" or "I miss you" doesn't sneak up on me soon, because I'll be speachless. It even feels good to be able to walk away without the fear of scarring someone too deeply. I know that my usual responsible/worrisome traits will be back eventually, but for now I'll enjoy the cruise.
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