These are the ramblings of an unleashed wandering mind ... these are the results of living in my head.
Saturday 18 November 2006
This will pass
The deamons in my head screw with my emotions. One day I feel awesome and the next can just completely suck. There's no rhyme or reason, at least not that I've been able to figure out. I can't cry though I think I'd feel better if I did. On edge without knowing why and not really sure what it's the edge of. Why can't I just feel good? There's no logic to feeling the way I do. Disconnected. Alone but knowing that I'm not. Wanting to curl up in the arms of someone who cares and just forget about everything for a while. Not to worry about time or needing to be somewhere, but just being lost in the moment, in a feeling of comfort. I feel like I'm repeatedly running into a wall, asking questions but not finding any answers. I know by thinking about it I'm not getting anywhere and if anything I'm making things worse by increasing my frustration. I don't get it. This is not anything new but it doesn't make any more sense now than it did before. I guess in a way it's a part of who I am, and like it or not, I have to work with it. If I can find a way to make these periods of time in weird spaces shorter that would be nice. So far I haven't had too much luck. Sometimes I get lucky and something or someone manages to help pull me out of it but more often than not I just end up having to wait it out. I have enough awareness and am connected with myself enough to not do anything stupid when in these kinds of moods, as tempting as some things may be. Restraint is a good quality to have, at least in certain situations, and my off moods definitely fall in that category. I've seen too much of the results of others actions to do the same things myself, though sometimes it's tempting. Physical pain to drown out the emotions, but I know it's not healthy and in the long run will do more damage than good. I'm stressed, frustrated, and a little scared but I know this will pass, it always does. I know there are those who care about me and I appologize if reading this worries or disturbs you, I don't mean to. Just needed to write to get some stuff out of my head. Spewing out random thoughts helps me to quiet my mind and let things go. Put something on paper and I can walk away for a while. It's not a permanent solution but it helps get things into a better perspective and allows me to relax. My mind can be a complicated, scary little place but it's mine and I know things will be better tomorrow.
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4 comments:
Your friends will always be there for you, even if we can't physically be there. And trust me, you're not the only one that has trouble sleeping at nights. But it's the small things in life that keep us all sane. Things that smell good, smiles, the wonders of life itself and the big puzzle that you're a piece of. Heck, look at the simpler beings like ladybugs, birds, or squirrels. They are all amazing, they don't worry about life, and somehow even find the will to last through our winters out there!
I hope so. I know that true friends will be there and experience is showing me who falls into that category and who does not.
And I definitely appreciate the simple things in life. They create a nice escape from the hecticity of everything else.
Remember Aristotle said "The greatest show of power is in restraint" - some 'policemen' countries should remember that when interfering in other countries' sovereignty but on a personal level does the restraint make you feel 'empowered' or frustrated? that's the real test! Whaddyathink? Rickenbacker the linebacker
Discipline to remember, discipline on Love in it's realm, discover Love as an entity...you and nothing else. Simplicity is this experience until you return and remember...everything! You will only remember the victories made in Love...all else will bore it's way back to illusion"
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