From www.highexistence.com

"Leave behind the expectations of what you MUST do in your life.

Abandon the known.

Abandon the comfortable.

Abandon the accepted.

Because in the end, as your lungs are taking in the last few breaths they will ever take,
you will look back on the people you've loved, the places you've been, and all you've
accomplished.

Don't you want all of that to be somewhat interesting?

So,

Embrace the unknown,

Escape your comfort zone,

Love what is different.

It just might give you some good memories."

C.H.

2014....

Here we are, two days into another new year. Really just a day like any other. We have this arbitrary set up for the way we divide things. Yes, it's 365 sunrises and sunsets for the earth to work it's way around the sun (with exceptions for areas with full sunlight or darkness for parts of the seasons) but it's a human construction that the year starts and ends when it does. Same as the length of a second, a minute, and an hour. Time is a strange thing that we often stress over - not having enough, something taking too long, etc. We worry so much about time that we often fail to enjoy the moment while we have it. I've done a lot of self reflection and self discovery as of late. It's been an interesting journey as I'm sure it will continue to be. Through the process so far I've found it interesting the way things come as you need them, or you find them when you need them. I've come across many quotes, sayings, images and had discussions with various people that have unintentionally fallen inline with the things I'm working on or towards. I was asked about a week before Christmas what I was going to give myself for Christmas. Almost instantly what came to mind what forgiveness, understanding, and acceptance. It was fitting given events/experiences of the past 6+ months. It was also really nice to know that the work I've been doing is paying off and I've gotten myself to that point with things.Being able to accept me for who I am and where I am and to go from here is pretty awesome. I'm not one to make new year's resolutions but I am planning to continue this journey of self-improvement and aim to positively effect those around me.

Wishing you all happiness, love, and acceptance.

Sometimes I open my mouth before my brain is engaged. This has mixed results....

Here I bleed for you

Here
I bleed for you

one word at a time
keystroke by keystroke
I pour myself out
for the word to see
well
at least for those
who are willing to look

Here
I bleed for you

wounded
open
exposed
do you like what you see?

Here
I bleed for you

giving everything
tearing
destroying
rebuilding
repairing
drained

Here
I bleed for you

Psychoanalyzed

The id fought valiantly
with blood
sweat
and tears
giving all it had
but the superego won

The ego played it's part
making it all make sense
and the compromise seem fair

The superego gloated
while a piece of the id died
in the blood on the floor


Image from http://surreal32.deviantart.com/art/id-ego-superego-34725464

Emotional minefield and a new perspective

Feeling lost

Trying to understand
the emotional response
of another

Trying to understand
the emotional response
that I don't have

Disconnected

Deflated

Alone

Navigating
an emotional minefield

Not understanding
what's right in front of me

Tears burn my eyes
but I'm not sure why

Feeling like I've said goodbye
though to what
I don't know

So many things coming up
that I don't recognize
I don't know how to process
so all I feel
is overwhelmed

It's too late at night for this

I've had too much coffee

Time to turn my mind off
but that's easier said than done

Let it go

Take another look tomorrow
with fresh eyes
and a new perspective

For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.

― Sam Levenson

Be willing

"The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend." - Henri Bergson, French Philosopher

Hard to move forward if you don't know where you are. Open your eyes, look around, truly look. Be open. Be honest. Be willing to be vulnerable and see what happens.

Harder than it sounds (and it doesn't sound that easy, at least not to me). 

Reminders of the past

random moments
taking me back in time
the scent of you
the way you looked at me
watched me walk away
let me go
despite the desire
to hold on forever
transported to that moment
a split second
and everything comes flooding back
the feel of you
against me
the way my heart raced
when you were near
a wound
so suddenly
overwhelmingly
fresh
despite
the years
the others
so much
in between
all it took
was that random moment
and i'm split open
again

A note of thank you to my friends for always being there.

Socially acceptable self destruction

This concept struck me today. Interesting idea. Something to think about and wrap my brain around....

This Kiss

"This fucking kiss was one of those fucking kisses that makes the world pause to jerk off."
                           ~ The Dirty Gentleman (as posted on quickienewyork.com July 12, 2013

- - - - - - 

Losing my shit
for a single moment
may be worth
risking everything
just to know

- - - - - -

I think of you
my pulse quickens
my breath catches

I imagine your lips
wonder what you taste like
how your lips feel
pressed against mine

your hand
on my neck
my arms
wrapped around your waist

breathing you in

lost in sensation

lips exploring lips
tongues exploring mouths
hands exploring bodies
learning
feeling
finding

losing everything
but this moment in time

- - - - - - 

reaching
finding
only fantasy
nothing tangible
nothing real

Text without context

There are some definite drawbacks to communicating only in words - no tone of voice, no body language, no other clues to say what you mean. Things can get twisted so easily, feelings get hurt unnecessarily, people take offence when none was intended, and you can be left wondering what the hell just happened???? I've read that communication is 55% body language, 38% tone of voice, and 7% words. No wonder there are so many issues when the only thing we're using to communicate is words (don't worry, I see the irony in writing about this...). I'm aware of this and keep it in mind. Sometimes I accept that things may go sideways but go with it anyway as I'm not up to seeing someone face to face or recognize that it's not an option. Other times I'm not okay with it and cherish the relationship too much to go that route and instead will put off a conversation until it can be a face to face. It's necessary to make that call sometimes rather than have things go completely off the rails. Sometimes it's tough but no one said things would be easy. Most things that are worth it aren't. Things that are easy only tend to last for so long, then they either get hard or fall apart. Communication is key in working through the tough stuff. Can't move forward if you aren't on the same page. Becomes super tricky if the communication has fallen apart but neither party involved has noticed yet. That's always an interesting mess to work your way out of....

There's something uniquely peaceful in being awake while the city sleeps...

the scent [of you] remained

the scent [of you] remained

long after [you were gone]

tempting

teasing

inspiring

embracing me

i wrapped myself in it's comfort

that's what i need

comfort

caring

simplicity

easy

so much has gone sideways recently

so many things that once were so easy

have become really complicated

--

i don't know that i have the strength for this

i'm trying to put myself back together

i don't know that i can hold you up too

i want to help

i want to be there for you

but i have to look out for me

i have to be aware

of what i can and can't do

what i have to offer

without detriment to myself

i do so much for others

it's time for me to be selfish for a while

i need to rebuild my base

i need help to do this

and i'm looking to find that in different places

you're not in a space to help me

and i'm not in a space to help you

as much as we want to

we just can't

i think it's going to do more harm than good

to lean on each other

we need to lean on others

keep the communication open

and come back together

when [if] we can

i know this is not what you want to hear

but i can't say what you want me to

not truthfully

this is our reality

this is where we've ended up

i love you

i know you love me

but that may not be enough

When did we lose the innocence?

When did things get complicated?
Where along the way did we lose the innocence?

Simple pleasures
like holding someone's hand
curling up with someone
finding comfort in the proximity of someone else
sharing the warmth and peaceful feeling
there's a connection
it's comfortable
it's reassuring
it's protective

When did it become sexual?
When did it become too far?
Did you not hold hand with your friends as a child?
Cling to each other when scared?
When did this become not ok?
When did this become relegated to significant others?

it's bizzare
we're social creatures
we need each other
yet we try so hard not to
and try to get everything from one source
but that doesn't work
there's a reason the divorce rate is what it is
and why so many relationships fail
we are social creatures
we need each other
one person can not meet all of another's needs
it just doesn't work
we can't be everything to everyone
and realistically
we can't be everything to anyone
not effectively for any length of time anyway

So, why do we keep trying?
Why do we keep fighting what's natural for us?

I don't understand
it doesn't make sense

When did things get complicated?
Where along the way did we lose the innocence?

everything is a product of...

moving forward
one step at a time
one foot in front of the other
one day at a time
learning to let go
learning not to take things on
that aren't mine to deal with
embracing love
taking down the walls
one brick at a time
slowly
it's takes effort
it takes faith
hope
trust
belief
looking through the glass
to see what's on the other side
accepting myself
damaged
imperfect
me
accepting you
for you
not expecting more
than you can give
trusting you
not to expect more
than I can offer
finding balance
with the past
present
and future
none of which exist
without the others
nothing exists
in isolation
everything is a product of
a combination
of various things
timing
and circumstance