I followed my heart and found you

a jouney of a thousand steps

i took the first one walking away

from everything i knew

everything familiar

everything i thought i wanted

everything others said i should want

stepped into the unknown

looking without expectation

looking without knowing

what i might find

would it be better?

or worse?

as long as it was different

than what i left behind

it's a step forward

a step outside my comfort zone

and into where the magic happens

logic took the back seat

and my heart took over

no direction in mind

just following feeling

making decisions based on what feels right

no more just going with the flow

no more following the path of least resistance

instead

i'm pulling out the machete

and hacking out my own path

creating

exploring

searching

                    not for anything specific

finding the unexpected

but welcome

finding myself

reconnecting

reuniting

opening doors i long forgot

looking through windows

and finding a familiar smile

finding a key to unlock the lost and forgotten parts of me

finding you

                     waiting

                                    watching

welcoming me home

with open arms

and an open heart

You took my gravity

You took my gravity when you left

where did you put it?

is in it your back pocket

next to the photo of me?

You took my gravity when you left

i'm off kilter

unbalanced

unsure of where i am in the space you left behind

You took my gravity when you left

i'm floating in the clouds

looking down

ungrounded

not finding what i'm looking for

You took my gravity when you left

your fingers in my hair

pulling me away

leaving me without direction

You took my gravity when you left

torn apart

broken

left in pieces to be picked up by someone else

You took my gravity when you left

the pieces of my heart

strewn across the room

like the shattered glass you threw against the wall

You took my gravity when you left

i have no air

no voice

no words

You took my gravity when you left

i drift away

like dust

into nothing

We burnt all the bridges

All the world's beauty in a piece of sand.

An eternity in a second.

A split second to lose everything,

one more to gain it all.

Lost.

Found.

Damaged

and therefore unique.

Seconds tick by...

nothing changes.

Nothing ever stays the same.

We keep moving forward

one step at a time

one foot in front of other.

Sometimes three steps forward

and two steps back.

But always forward

because there's nothing to go back to,

we burnt all the bridges along the way.

deconstructing myself

i am deconstructing myself
one layer at a time
removing the facade
that makes other people comfortable
finding my truth
exposing it for the world to see
woman
teacher
student
friend
sister
daughter
lover
all the things i am to others
all the masks
pulled away
what am i to you now?
can you even see me as i am?
or do you put your own veils over me as i remove mine?
can you let me be true to me?
or do you put me back in the box to ease your own discomfort?
does my truth
reveal your own flaws
that you aren't ready to see?
to truly look at?
here i am
willing to expose and look at mine
will you truly look at me?


november 17, 2015

Too much too fast too many too good

Caught in the moment. Caught in between a dream and reality. Not totally sure where one ends and the other begins. Imagining the best, expecting the worst. Not knowing just feeling. Too much too fast too many too good. Three words that turn the world on its head. Everything I understood is no longer. Truth is subjective and impossible to be objective. Wanting it all wanting nothing. Expectations went out the window on day one. No one knows where this road goes but we all keep following it. Looking for something. Looking for anything. Wanting. Waiting. Wishing. Hoping. Feeling. Too much too fast too many too good. A touch. A shiver. A warning unheeded. A sign to turn back ignored completely. Emotions swirl over head. Words spoken unheard. Silence screams to deafen. Defend. Attack. Approach. Retreat. Reaching for something. Anything. Finding magic. Beauty. Desire. Pain. Fear. Love. Pure and simple. Broken but unafraid. Damaged but not beyond repair. The world sleeps. My body pulses. I feel you. You're too far away. Confusion. Hope. A wish made on the moon. A dream becomes reality and I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to do with you. I don't know what to do without you. Too much too fast too many too good. I crave you in the purest way. If there's even such a thing...


November 2, 2015

"The Woman: My desires have always outstripped whatever actually happened.
Nothing ever lives up to desire. No.
And you see I can’t understand why it is we’re capable of desiring so much when in the end we feel so little.
Why is desire so extravagant compared to what actually happens?"

— The Unexpected Man, Yasmina Reza (via thrushbone)

of yesterday and tomorrow

I see the writing on the wall.
It says so much with so little
while saying nothing at all.
Letters forming words
forming thoughts
incoherent
yet making complete sense.
Lost in a moment.
Paint blends with ink
trapped in time.
Left for those
who come after.
Memories
from those
who came before.
Not directed to anyone
but there for everyone.
Caught
in the here and now
of yesterday
and tomorrow.

She surprised me with a kiss. Energy surged through my body like electricity. The touch of her fingers on my skin like sparks. My breath catches and nothing matters but her and I, right here, right now.

(July 23/15)

From Theodore Roosevelt's speech "Citizenship in a Republic"

Something random I connected with.

Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog
at the shrine of your light
I'll tell you my sins
so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me
that deathless death
Good God,
let me give you my life

(Take me to church - Hozier) 

Sometimes, despite opportunity, we never pursue something in reality for fear of losing the fantasy...

Where's the line between a comfortable silence and having sweet fuck all to say...

and at what point does it become awkward?

Hot is ...

Hot is admired from afar; beauty is to be held.

Hot is perception; beauty is appreciation.

Hot is smokey-eyed; beautiful is bare-faced.

Hot is an appearance; beautiful is more than skin deep.

Hot is the way she moans; beautiful is the way she speaks.

Hot is a strong appeal; beautiful is strong mind.

Hot is youthful; beautiful is ageless.

Hot is conventional; beauty is unique.

Hot is a one-night stand; beautiful is sleepless nights.

Hot is a state of being; beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Hot is devious; beautiful is innocent.

Hot is bending her over; beautiful is baking her blueberry pancakes.

Hot is sultry; beautiful is wholesome.

Hot is her curves; beauty is her nerves.

Hot is a text message; beautiful is a love letter.

Hot is a facade; beautiful is a woman.

(Stolen from http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/the-actual-difference-between-women-who-are-hot-and-who-are-beautiful/)

From www.highexistence.com

"Leave behind the expectations of what you MUST do in your life.

Abandon the known.

Abandon the comfortable.

Abandon the accepted.

Because in the end, as your lungs are taking in the last few breaths they will ever take,
you will look back on the people you've loved, the places you've been, and all you've
accomplished.

Don't you want all of that to be somewhat interesting?

So,

Embrace the unknown,

Escape your comfort zone,

Love what is different.

It just might give you some good memories."

C.H.

2014....

Here we are, two days into another new year. Really just a day like any other. We have this arbitrary set up for the way we divide things. Yes, it's 365 sunrises and sunsets for the earth to work it's way around the sun (with exceptions for areas with full sunlight or darkness for parts of the seasons) but it's a human construction that the year starts and ends when it does. Same as the length of a second, a minute, and an hour. Time is a strange thing that we often stress over - not having enough, something taking too long, etc. We worry so much about time that we often fail to enjoy the moment while we have it. I've done a lot of self reflection and self discovery as of late. It's been an interesting journey as I'm sure it will continue to be. Through the process so far I've found it interesting the way things come as you need them, or you find them when you need them. I've come across many quotes, sayings, images and had discussions with various people that have unintentionally fallen inline with the things I'm working on or towards. I was asked about a week before Christmas what I was going to give myself for Christmas. Almost instantly what came to mind what forgiveness, understanding, and acceptance. It was fitting given events/experiences of the past 6+ months. It was also really nice to know that the work I've been doing is paying off and I've gotten myself to that point with things.Being able to accept me for who I am and where I am and to go from here is pretty awesome. I'm not one to make new year's resolutions but I am planning to continue this journey of self-improvement and aim to positively effect those around me.

Wishing you all happiness, love, and acceptance.

Sometimes I open my mouth before my brain is engaged. This has mixed results....