Random shit

Thoughts swirl round in circles in my head. Some coherent, some not. Some stuck in a loop, going nowhere, but still there. Some are gone as quickly as they enter. Hyper-focused. Forgotten. Wandering and gone. Grateful for the good in my life. Stuck on desire for something I can't have. Twisting and turning things to gain a different view. Trying to gain perspective. Get a grasp on my current reality. What works. What doesn't. What to keep and what to let go of. Change - inevitable but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Rebuilding myself into something new, a better version than I was before - hopefully - or a lot of work to end up the same. Questions. Answers. Uncertainty. Going forward. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way. It's supposed to be about the journey anyway, not the destination but how do you have a journey without a destination? Lost. Alone. Together. Wanting to reach out. Trying to reach out. Not sure where to reach. Spiraling in my own head. Building walls to protect myself and at the same time tearing them down. Letting others in. Pushing others away. I'm a dichotomy. A mess of contradictions. This vs that. You vs me. Us vs them. Me vs I. Preparing to fight. Not sure what I'm fighting for. Not sure who the fight is against. Seems to be mostly me against myself. Sifting. Sorting. Looking for the relevant bits. Trying to find the things that matter to me. The things that I want. Trying to let go of things that matter because someone else says they should when in the grand scheme of things they don't. Trying to sort out my true wants from the wants that others say should be there. Society's normal is rather skewed and somewhat broken. Just because it's common doesn't mean it's "normal" or healthy. Gotta find what works for me. I am unique. I am an individual. Just because it works for you doesn't mean it works for me. Just because it's the norm or what society says is right doesn't make it right for me. Self reflection. Shattering what I thought were my truths and digging through the remains to find the solid ground to push off from. Need a solid base to grow from. An understanding of the past and present to move forward in to the future. Taking things a piece at a time. One day at a time. Moment by moment. Thinking lots but trying not to think to much. Going with the flow while trying to find my direction. Aiming to be more present. More conscious of what's happening. More engaged. More open. Stronger. Weaker. Excited. Terrified. Exposed and hidden at the same time. Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable because that's what I know. What I can control....