Random shit

Thoughts swirl round in circles in my head. Some coherent, some not. Some stuck in a loop, going nowhere, but still there. Some are gone as quickly as they enter. Hyper-focused. Forgotten. Wandering and gone. Grateful for the good in my life. Stuck on desire for something I can't have. Twisting and turning things to gain a different view. Trying to gain perspective. Get a grasp on my current reality. What works. What doesn't. What to keep and what to let go of. Change - inevitable but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Rebuilding myself into something new, a better version than I was before - hopefully - or a lot of work to end up the same. Questions. Answers. Uncertainty. Going forward. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way. It's supposed to be about the journey anyway, not the destination but how do you have a journey without a destination? Lost. Alone. Together. Wanting to reach out. Trying to reach out. Not sure where to reach. Spiraling in my own head. Building walls to protect myself and at the same time tearing them down. Letting others in. Pushing others away. I'm a dichotomy. A mess of contradictions. This vs that. You vs me. Us vs them. Me vs I. Preparing to fight. Not sure what I'm fighting for. Not sure who the fight is against. Seems to be mostly me against myself. Sifting. Sorting. Looking for the relevant bits. Trying to find the things that matter to me. The things that I want. Trying to let go of things that matter because someone else says they should when in the grand scheme of things they don't. Trying to sort out my true wants from the wants that others say should be there. Society's normal is rather skewed and somewhat broken. Just because it's common doesn't mean it's "normal" or healthy. Gotta find what works for me. I am unique. I am an individual. Just because it works for you doesn't mean it works for me. Just because it's the norm or what society says is right doesn't make it right for me. Self reflection. Shattering what I thought were my truths and digging through the remains to find the solid ground to push off from. Need a solid base to grow from. An understanding of the past and present to move forward in to the future. Taking things a piece at a time. One day at a time. Moment by moment. Thinking lots but trying not to think to much. Going with the flow while trying to find my direction. Aiming to be more present. More conscious of what's happening. More engaged. More open. Stronger. Weaker. Excited. Terrified. Exposed and hidden at the same time. Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable because that's what I know. What I can control....

Pushing limits

Let go of "I can't" and push your limits. Let go of self imposed restrictions and try something new. Step out of your comfort zone, ask questions, go forward without all the answers and see what happens. Explore things you never thought possible. It can be scary. Uncertainty is uncomfortable. But there's no adventure without chance. That first step is the hardest. Once you've taken that the subsequent ones get easier. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It'll help you grow. And once you let go of your limits you'll really find out where you can go and what you're capable of. Take a chance and see what happens. Your adventure awaits....

Something to chew on...

Stephen King once said, that “The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.”

Well, “You can talk with someone for years, everyday, and still, it won't mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever.... connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.” C. JoyBell C.

However, Henry Winkler said, that “Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”

And, “Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Lisa Kleypas shared this: “Many times in life I've regretted the things I've said without thinking. But I've never regretted the things I said nearly as much as the words I left unspoken.”

And, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” William Arthur Ward

It seems,that “Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud.” Hermann Hesse

(as posted by Darrel Tank on Facebook today)


 This is interesting for me to read and wrap my brain around at the moment. I have opened up my communication with a number of people in a number of ways over the past few weeks and in some ways maybe haven't considered completely how this changes my relationships. In general I believe it's changing things for the better but some days bring more challenges than expected or anticipated. The quote above by Lisa Kleypas makes a lot of sense to me and I agree that there is more regret with things left unspoken that should have been said than with things that were said that maybe shouldn't have been. You can make up for things said in the heat of the moment but can't go back to say something you should have but didn't. I think this is true of actions as well - there's often more regret for something you didn't do than there is for something you did (though this is not always the case). Sometimes you have a moment to chose to act on something or not and the choice you make can stay with you for a long time - you can be left wondering what if, what might have been, what happened to so and so, and whatever other questions your brain can come up with when given the chance. There are occasions where you will get an answer - I did recently when I was home. I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for about 10 years who the last time I saw was on and off of different drugs, did not have a solid place to live, and for all I knew the odds were pretty good he was dead. It was a surreal moment to see him - he's been clean for over 2 years now, has been working and talked about wanting to go back to school. We had once been very close and life took us very different directions but it was good to see him and learn that he's doing alright. Reminded me about where I've come from, what I've been through, experienced, achieved, the person I was and the person I'm becoming. Thinking about him also connects me with the final quote above: "Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud." This rings very true for me with stuff from the past and current things going on. Being more open means saying more, expressing and sharing things I previously wasn't. This changes things. It impacts the relationships I have, how the others see me, how they see the relationship we have and what happens next. Some things sound one way in my head but no matter how I try do not come out with the same meaning or feeling. This complicates the openess and communication. Sometimes it would be easier to not say things but that's only for the moment as life has shown me that things left unsaid add up to breaking things down. So I'll keep working on opening my communication, saying what needs to be said as best I can, changing my world as I know it and see where things end up.

"...just wanting something doesn’t make it happen and when you spend all of your time banging your head in against the wall, all that happens is that you get a headache."

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2013/07/leveling-up-giving-up-control/

Can you lose something you never really had?

Things I've learned (or admitted) about myself in the past week:

I avoid confrontation in my personal life - detach, shut down. This is not good for much of anything....

I grieve for things that have been lost and also for things that never had a chance...

I allow very few people to really get close to me. I use sarcasm and smart ass remarks as a defense mechanism - can be amusing and make people laugh, played off as teasing, but keeps people at arms length.

I'm fiercely independent - which has it's benefits and drawbacks. It has the potential to be detrimental to relationships....

I have some amazing friends that will stand by me through anything. Lots of love to you all! Thanks for everything!

No matter what happens I will be ok.

Today I choose to try harder

Necessary balance

As much as there is us and we there still needs to be you and me. No one person can meet all your needs. We are social creatures and we need to remember this. Every one of us is unique and has different things to offer. As an individual we connect with different people for different reasons and on different levels to meet different needs. There is nothing wrong with this, it's what keeps life interesting. We need to maintain our uniqueness when becoming us. If the uniqueness is lost then things can get boring and lost in the past. Each individual bringing their uniqueness into us keeps excitement and interest blooming and the relationship growing. To grow as a pair we need to grow as individuals as well. If we can change individually while still growing as a partnership then all the best to us. If we can't, then we need to recognize and accept that for what it is. As long as we've taken care of ourselves while taking care of us things will work out as they should.

Communication breakdown

Sometimes things fall apart to be rebuilt into something better.

I am so grateful for a partner who loves me enough to fight and remind me what I should be fighting for. Been a rough few days but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Interesting timing

As posted on The Emotion Machine Facebook:

Many deep relationships are about building a diverse range of positive experiences with another person.

And the more diversity there is in what you do together, the deeper the bond is, because the more positive memories you have linked to that person - which means more meaning and context behind your relationship's "story."

However, if you're always following the same pattern with someone - doing the same things and replaying the same experiences everyday - then the bond often isn't growing any deeper.

I then decided to check out the website and found this article: http://www.theemotionmachine.com/when-rationalization-gets-in-the-way-of-happiness

Risking the world...

Is it worth it? There's really only one way to find out but you have to be okay with the possibility of losing everything you know and people you care about. Are you okay with that? Not sure? Enter intrigue and desire for someone new and the known world is already upside down. Changes the way what's currently in front of you looks. An easy opportunity for something but hesitation and reality step in. Sometimes things come up that shift your perspective and throw off what you thought you knew and what you thought you wanted. This is when you have to step back for a moment, take the time to assess what's happening, what emotions are flowing, what feelings are coming up. This may not be the moment to take the jump that every cell of your being says take but your brain says: are you sure? This is the moment that risks the world you know, if you jump it changes everything and you aren't the only one it affects. There are loved ones at risk too. There are times that make sense to be selfish and do things to fill your own desires, wants, and needs. There are times when you need to put someone or something else ahead of you as an individual - consider your loved ones, consider the relationships that you have. Not everything comes easy, some things require work. Got to put in the effort to see what may be. Be open, be honest, be fair. Share the decision because it doesn't just affect you and the shift in perspective may be enough for someone else to make their own decisions about what happens next. It is your world to live in, modify, or change but we do not live in isolation so remember how your decisions affect those around you before you risk the world.

Getting to know someone new: dating vs friendship

What's the difference between the early stages of dating versus just getting to know someone new? The dance is much the same: give and take. Got to keep them interested. Keep the tease alive. Give, but not too much. Aim to keep them wanting more, keep them coming back, keep them guessing for what comes next. Much of this probably plays a bigger role when dating but to a lesser degree is still present in a new friendship. Finding common ground, exploring differences, introducing the other to new things. What's the main difference? Is it whether or not your goal is to get the other person naked? What difference does this make when you have already seen them naked....?

Waiting for lightning to strike

Tension felt like electricity in the air. Intrigue. Desire. Attraction. Wanting to make a move to break the tension but hesitant, uncertain. Reveling in the emotions, in the feeling, in the moment and not ready to let go yet. Curious. Tempted. So many questions. Never enough answers. Open. Exposed. Vulnerable. Hidden. Protected. Intrigued. Feeling like a magnet being pulled towards another. Uncontrollable. Can't stop it but not sure this direction is a good idea. Interest is peaked and temptation is winning. They say curiosity killed the cat but how is anything new learned if no one follows their curiosity? Too late now. The moment is gone. The chance has passed. Maybe tomorrow will bring another and the response will be different, then again maybe it won't. We don't know what tomorrow brings until it's here. Still intrigued. Still feel the hairs standing on end waiting for lightning to strike.