Sometimes I open my mouth before my brain is engaged. This has mixed results....

Here I bleed for you

Here
I bleed for you

one word at a time
keystroke by keystroke
I pour myself out
for the word to see
well
at least for those
who are willing to look

Here
I bleed for you

wounded
open
exposed
do you like what you see?

Here
I bleed for you

giving everything
tearing
destroying
rebuilding
repairing
drained

Here
I bleed for you

Psychoanalyzed

The id fought valiantly
with blood
sweat
and tears
giving all it had
but the superego won

The ego played it's part
making it all make sense
and the compromise seem fair

The superego gloated
while a piece of the id died
in the blood on the floor


Image from http://surreal32.deviantart.com/art/id-ego-superego-34725464

Emotional minefield and a new perspective

Feeling lost

Trying to understand
the emotional response
of another

Trying to understand
the emotional response
that I don't have

Disconnected

Deflated

Alone

Navigating
an emotional minefield

Not understanding
what's right in front of me

Tears burn my eyes
but I'm not sure why

Feeling like I've said goodbye
though to what
I don't know

So many things coming up
that I don't recognize
I don't know how to process
so all I feel
is overwhelmed

It's too late at night for this

I've had too much coffee

Time to turn my mind off
but that's easier said than done

Let it go

Take another look tomorrow
with fresh eyes
and a new perspective

For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.

― Sam Levenson

Be willing

"The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend." - Henri Bergson, French Philosopher

Hard to move forward if you don't know where you are. Open your eyes, look around, truly look. Be open. Be honest. Be willing to be vulnerable and see what happens.

Harder than it sounds (and it doesn't sound that easy, at least not to me). 

Reminders of the past

random moments
taking me back in time
the scent of you
the way you looked at me
watched me walk away
let me go
despite the desire
to hold on forever
transported to that moment
a split second
and everything comes flooding back
the feel of you
against me
the way my heart raced
when you were near
a wound
so suddenly
overwhelmingly
fresh
despite
the years
the others
so much
in between
all it took
was that random moment
and i'm split open
again

A note of thank you to my friends for always being there.

Socially acceptable self destruction

This concept struck me today. Interesting idea. Something to think about and wrap my brain around....

This Kiss

"This fucking kiss was one of those fucking kisses that makes the world pause to jerk off."
                           ~ The Dirty Gentleman (as posted on quickienewyork.com July 12, 2013

- - - - - - 

Losing my shit
for a single moment
may be worth
risking everything
just to know

- - - - - -

I think of you
my pulse quickens
my breath catches

I imagine your lips
wonder what you taste like
how your lips feel
pressed against mine

your hand
on my neck
my arms
wrapped around your waist

breathing you in

lost in sensation

lips exploring lips
tongues exploring mouths
hands exploring bodies
learning
feeling
finding

losing everything
but this moment in time

- - - - - - 

reaching
finding
only fantasy
nothing tangible
nothing real

Text without context

There are some definite drawbacks to communicating only in words - no tone of voice, no body language, no other clues to say what you mean. Things can get twisted so easily, feelings get hurt unnecessarily, people take offence when none was intended, and you can be left wondering what the hell just happened???? I've read that communication is 55% body language, 38% tone of voice, and 7% words. No wonder there are so many issues when the only thing we're using to communicate is words (don't worry, I see the irony in writing about this...). I'm aware of this and keep it in mind. Sometimes I accept that things may go sideways but go with it anyway as I'm not up to seeing someone face to face or recognize that it's not an option. Other times I'm not okay with it and cherish the relationship too much to go that route and instead will put off a conversation until it can be a face to face. It's necessary to make that call sometimes rather than have things go completely off the rails. Sometimes it's tough but no one said things would be easy. Most things that are worth it aren't. Things that are easy only tend to last for so long, then they either get hard or fall apart. Communication is key in working through the tough stuff. Can't move forward if you aren't on the same page. Becomes super tricky if the communication has fallen apart but neither party involved has noticed yet. That's always an interesting mess to work your way out of....

There's something uniquely peaceful in being awake while the city sleeps...

the scent [of you] remained

the scent [of you] remained

long after [you were gone]

tempting

teasing

inspiring

embracing me

i wrapped myself in it's comfort

that's what i need

comfort

caring

simplicity

easy

so much has gone sideways recently

so many things that once were so easy

have become really complicated

--

i don't know that i have the strength for this

i'm trying to put myself back together

i don't know that i can hold you up too

i want to help

i want to be there for you

but i have to look out for me

i have to be aware

of what i can and can't do

what i have to offer

without detriment to myself

i do so much for others

it's time for me to be selfish for a while

i need to rebuild my base

i need help to do this

and i'm looking to find that in different places

you're not in a space to help me

and i'm not in a space to help you

as much as we want to

we just can't

i think it's going to do more harm than good

to lean on each other

we need to lean on others

keep the communication open

and come back together

when [if] we can

i know this is not what you want to hear

but i can't say what you want me to

not truthfully

this is our reality

this is where we've ended up

i love you

i know you love me

but that may not be enough

When did we lose the innocence?

When did things get complicated?
Where along the way did we lose the innocence?

Simple pleasures
like holding someone's hand
curling up with someone
finding comfort in the proximity of someone else
sharing the warmth and peaceful feeling
there's a connection
it's comfortable
it's reassuring
it's protective

When did it become sexual?
When did it become too far?
Did you not hold hand with your friends as a child?
Cling to each other when scared?
When did this become not ok?
When did this become relegated to significant others?

it's bizzare
we're social creatures
we need each other
yet we try so hard not to
and try to get everything from one source
but that doesn't work
there's a reason the divorce rate is what it is
and why so many relationships fail
we are social creatures
we need each other
one person can not meet all of another's needs
it just doesn't work
we can't be everything to everyone
and realistically
we can't be everything to anyone
not effectively for any length of time anyway

So, why do we keep trying?
Why do we keep fighting what's natural for us?

I don't understand
it doesn't make sense

When did things get complicated?
Where along the way did we lose the innocence?

everything is a product of...

moving forward
one step at a time
one foot in front of the other
one day at a time
learning to let go
learning not to take things on
that aren't mine to deal with
embracing love
taking down the walls
one brick at a time
slowly
it's takes effort
it takes faith
hope
trust
belief
looking through the glass
to see what's on the other side
accepting myself
damaged
imperfect
me
accepting you
for you
not expecting more
than you can give
trusting you
not to expect more
than I can offer
finding balance
with the past
present
and future
none of which exist
without the others
nothing exists
in isolation
everything is a product of
a combination
of various things
timing
and circumstance

Random shit

Thoughts swirl round in circles in my head. Some coherent, some not. Some stuck in a loop, going nowhere, but still there. Some are gone as quickly as they enter. Hyper-focused. Forgotten. Wandering and gone. Grateful for the good in my life. Stuck on desire for something I can't have. Twisting and turning things to gain a different view. Trying to gain perspective. Get a grasp on my current reality. What works. What doesn't. What to keep and what to let go of. Change - inevitable but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Rebuilding myself into something new, a better version than I was before - hopefully - or a lot of work to end up the same. Questions. Answers. Uncertainty. Going forward. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way. It's supposed to be about the journey anyway, not the destination but how do you have a journey without a destination? Lost. Alone. Together. Wanting to reach out. Trying to reach out. Not sure where to reach. Spiraling in my own head. Building walls to protect myself and at the same time tearing them down. Letting others in. Pushing others away. I'm a dichotomy. A mess of contradictions. This vs that. You vs me. Us vs them. Me vs I. Preparing to fight. Not sure what I'm fighting for. Not sure who the fight is against. Seems to be mostly me against myself. Sifting. Sorting. Looking for the relevant bits. Trying to find the things that matter to me. The things that I want. Trying to let go of things that matter because someone else says they should when in the grand scheme of things they don't. Trying to sort out my true wants from the wants that others say should be there. Society's normal is rather skewed and somewhat broken. Just because it's common doesn't mean it's "normal" or healthy. Gotta find what works for me. I am unique. I am an individual. Just because it works for you doesn't mean it works for me. Just because it's the norm or what society says is right doesn't make it right for me. Self reflection. Shattering what I thought were my truths and digging through the remains to find the solid ground to push off from. Need a solid base to grow from. An understanding of the past and present to move forward in to the future. Taking things a piece at a time. One day at a time. Moment by moment. Thinking lots but trying not to think to much. Going with the flow while trying to find my direction. Aiming to be more present. More conscious of what's happening. More engaged. More open. Stronger. Weaker. Excited. Terrified. Exposed and hidden at the same time. Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable because that's what I know. What I can control....

Pushing limits

Let go of "I can't" and push your limits. Let go of self imposed restrictions and try something new. Step out of your comfort zone, ask questions, go forward without all the answers and see what happens. Explore things you never thought possible. It can be scary. Uncertainty is uncomfortable. But there's no adventure without chance. That first step is the hardest. Once you've taken that the subsequent ones get easier. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It'll help you grow. And once you let go of your limits you'll really find out where you can go and what you're capable of. Take a chance and see what happens. Your adventure awaits....

Something to chew on...

Stephen King once said, that “The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.”

Well, “You can talk with someone for years, everyday, and still, it won't mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever.... connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.” C. JoyBell C.

However, Henry Winkler said, that “Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”

And, “Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Lisa Kleypas shared this: “Many times in life I've regretted the things I've said without thinking. But I've never regretted the things I said nearly as much as the words I left unspoken.”

And, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” William Arthur Ward

It seems,that “Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud.” Hermann Hesse

(as posted by Darrel Tank on Facebook today)


 This is interesting for me to read and wrap my brain around at the moment. I have opened up my communication with a number of people in a number of ways over the past few weeks and in some ways maybe haven't considered completely how this changes my relationships. In general I believe it's changing things for the better but some days bring more challenges than expected or anticipated. The quote above by Lisa Kleypas makes a lot of sense to me and I agree that there is more regret with things left unspoken that should have been said than with things that were said that maybe shouldn't have been. You can make up for things said in the heat of the moment but can't go back to say something you should have but didn't. I think this is true of actions as well - there's often more regret for something you didn't do than there is for something you did (though this is not always the case). Sometimes you have a moment to chose to act on something or not and the choice you make can stay with you for a long time - you can be left wondering what if, what might have been, what happened to so and so, and whatever other questions your brain can come up with when given the chance. There are occasions where you will get an answer - I did recently when I was home. I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for about 10 years who the last time I saw was on and off of different drugs, did not have a solid place to live, and for all I knew the odds were pretty good he was dead. It was a surreal moment to see him - he's been clean for over 2 years now, has been working and talked about wanting to go back to school. We had once been very close and life took us very different directions but it was good to see him and learn that he's doing alright. Reminded me about where I've come from, what I've been through, experienced, achieved, the person I was and the person I'm becoming. Thinking about him also connects me with the final quote above: "Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud." This rings very true for me with stuff from the past and current things going on. Being more open means saying more, expressing and sharing things I previously wasn't. This changes things. It impacts the relationships I have, how the others see me, how they see the relationship we have and what happens next. Some things sound one way in my head but no matter how I try do not come out with the same meaning or feeling. This complicates the openess and communication. Sometimes it would be easier to not say things but that's only for the moment as life has shown me that things left unsaid add up to breaking things down. So I'll keep working on opening my communication, saying what needs to be said as best I can, changing my world as I know it and see where things end up.

"...just wanting something doesn’t make it happen and when you spend all of your time banging your head in against the wall, all that happens is that you get a headache."

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2013/07/leveling-up-giving-up-control/

Can you lose something you never really had?

Things I've learned (or admitted) about myself in the past week:

I avoid confrontation in my personal life - detach, shut down. This is not good for much of anything....

I grieve for things that have been lost and also for things that never had a chance...

I allow very few people to really get close to me. I use sarcasm and smart ass remarks as a defense mechanism - can be amusing and make people laugh, played off as teasing, but keeps people at arms length.

I'm fiercely independent - which has it's benefits and drawbacks. It has the potential to be detrimental to relationships....

I have some amazing friends that will stand by me through anything. Lots of love to you all! Thanks for everything!

No matter what happens I will be ok.

Today I choose to try harder

Necessary balance

As much as there is us and we there still needs to be you and me. No one person can meet all your needs. We are social creatures and we need to remember this. Every one of us is unique and has different things to offer. As an individual we connect with different people for different reasons and on different levels to meet different needs. There is nothing wrong with this, it's what keeps life interesting. We need to maintain our uniqueness when becoming us. If the uniqueness is lost then things can get boring and lost in the past. Each individual bringing their uniqueness into us keeps excitement and interest blooming and the relationship growing. To grow as a pair we need to grow as individuals as well. If we can change individually while still growing as a partnership then all the best to us. If we can't, then we need to recognize and accept that for what it is. As long as we've taken care of ourselves while taking care of us things will work out as they should.

Communication breakdown

Sometimes things fall apart to be rebuilt into something better.

I am so grateful for a partner who loves me enough to fight and remind me what I should be fighting for. Been a rough few days but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Interesting timing

As posted on The Emotion Machine Facebook:

Many deep relationships are about building a diverse range of positive experiences with another person.

And the more diversity there is in what you do together, the deeper the bond is, because the more positive memories you have linked to that person - which means more meaning and context behind your relationship's "story."

However, if you're always following the same pattern with someone - doing the same things and replaying the same experiences everyday - then the bond often isn't growing any deeper.

I then decided to check out the website and found this article: http://www.theemotionmachine.com/when-rationalization-gets-in-the-way-of-happiness

Risking the world...

Is it worth it? There's really only one way to find out but you have to be okay with the possibility of losing everything you know and people you care about. Are you okay with that? Not sure? Enter intrigue and desire for someone new and the known world is already upside down. Changes the way what's currently in front of you looks. An easy opportunity for something but hesitation and reality step in. Sometimes things come up that shift your perspective and throw off what you thought you knew and what you thought you wanted. This is when you have to step back for a moment, take the time to assess what's happening, what emotions are flowing, what feelings are coming up. This may not be the moment to take the jump that every cell of your being says take but your brain says: are you sure? This is the moment that risks the world you know, if you jump it changes everything and you aren't the only one it affects. There are loved ones at risk too. There are times that make sense to be selfish and do things to fill your own desires, wants, and needs. There are times when you need to put someone or something else ahead of you as an individual - consider your loved ones, consider the relationships that you have. Not everything comes easy, some things require work. Got to put in the effort to see what may be. Be open, be honest, be fair. Share the decision because it doesn't just affect you and the shift in perspective may be enough for someone else to make their own decisions about what happens next. It is your world to live in, modify, or change but we do not live in isolation so remember how your decisions affect those around you before you risk the world.

Getting to know someone new: dating vs friendship

What's the difference between the early stages of dating versus just getting to know someone new? The dance is much the same: give and take. Got to keep them interested. Keep the tease alive. Give, but not too much. Aim to keep them wanting more, keep them coming back, keep them guessing for what comes next. Much of this probably plays a bigger role when dating but to a lesser degree is still present in a new friendship. Finding common ground, exploring differences, introducing the other to new things. What's the main difference? Is it whether or not your goal is to get the other person naked? What difference does this make when you have already seen them naked....?

Waiting for lightning to strike

Tension felt like electricity in the air. Intrigue. Desire. Attraction. Wanting to make a move to break the tension but hesitant, uncertain. Reveling in the emotions, in the feeling, in the moment and not ready to let go yet. Curious. Tempted. So many questions. Never enough answers. Open. Exposed. Vulnerable. Hidden. Protected. Intrigued. Feeling like a magnet being pulled towards another. Uncontrollable. Can't stop it but not sure this direction is a good idea. Interest is peaked and temptation is winning. They say curiosity killed the cat but how is anything new learned if no one follows their curiosity? Too late now. The moment is gone. The chance has passed. Maybe tomorrow will bring another and the response will be different, then again maybe it won't. We don't know what tomorrow brings until it's here. Still intrigued. Still feel the hairs standing on end waiting for lightning to strike.

Stolen moments

A glance, a smile, a stolen moment in time. A powerful connection for just a second but enough to leave a permanent impression. Passion, desire, attraction. Unspoken things that draw you together and a variety of things that keep you apart. The pleasure and frustration of tease all rolled into one stolen moment.....