I need an easy friend...

I need an easy friend
someone who will try
to understand

Someone who will not judge
who will know
which questions to ask
and which ones not to

Someone willing
to take me as I am

Confusion

Destruction

Beauty

Flaws

Passion

Fear

Take it all
without a second thought

Give me the chance
to be who I was meant to be
to express myself
however I may try

I need an easy friend...


("I need an easy friend" is from a Nirvana song, I think)

Looking for the old story teller

you walk for miles just to see him
just to see the old story teller
the one that you’ve
heard stories about
some claim he’s lived for hundreds of years
and knows the stories of the world
other’s claim he’s just an old man
looking for attention
does it matter?
not to you
you want to hear the stories
he has to tell
regardless of his reasons for telling them
there’s just something about
sitting at the feet
of a legendary
old story teller

Everything can break

destroying that which seemed indestructible.
the one thing you’d never thought you’d break
begins to bend.
cut to the spine,
bending and reshaping,
creating something new from what was.
everything has its weakness,
even that which appears to be un-breakable,
it just has to be found.

Pieces of broken pottery

Take my hand and walk with me
leave the fleeting memories behind
We'll make a pact to forget
a pact to let the memories fragment
like pieces of broken pottery
swept away by an unseen broom
We'll leave the pieces behind
and pick up where we left off
Times have changed
but we remain the same
A little more battered
a little more bruised
but still the little girl and boy
who fell in love so long ago
There are others out there
to whom we are the broken pottery
but that won't matter
If you take my hand
we will walk on together

I'm a dork

Post number 100

From poetry.com

The Bee Box

In this small box, my love,
you'll not find a ring,
but instead, a brave little bee.
He'll be dead by morn, having given his life
defending his flowers against me.
I felt his sting
while picking the small, purple pansies
growing wild along the roadside,
in hopes of an afternoon bouquet for you.
And I grieved the sting,
more for him than me,
knowing full well the price he paid
for my small pain.
And I allowed him his victory,
leaving his flowers as a memory,
and brought you instead
this brave little bee,
who proves there is love
even in the smallest
of things.

Lowell Parker

Are you thinking of me?

I look at the sky
and think of you
part of me wonders
if you're looking too

I can't help but wonder
if you see what I see
and one question remains
are you thinking of me?

i think i may be lacking sleep...

a green monkey rides a moss rocket while smoking an intergalactic cigarette

what does he see but a purple donkey with rainbow wings being ridden by a little man of blue

they smile and wave to each their own going along on the orange stairway

?

the manic man
encouraging me to read
in order to find
an inspiration
to fill the need

to write
to allow my soul
to bleed

my mind races
trying to plant the seed
looking for the spark
that will enable me
to complete this deed

GIR

Knitted and stuffed GIR (from Invader Zim). Pattern from Johnny's Stew.

writing ramblings to you

losing my mind
tearing at the seems
my lips are sealed
but my body screams

passion
and fright
oh god
what a night

lost and confused
not knowing where i turned
wrecklessly running
and certain to get burned

watching
and waiting
wandering
and hesitating

questions racing
through my mind
if they don't stop soon
i'm going to unwind

self torment
and my mind is frayed
all this
just for getting laid

it doesn't make sense
of this i am aware
but all i can do now
is sit here and stare

you're gone now
and i should have known
that i would be left
feeling very alone

i set myself up
to feel this way
i wonder what you'll think
looking back on this day

you couldn't get me
out of your head
that's the story you told
it's what you said

only time will tell
if what you say is true
but for now i sit
writing ramblings to you

Can I?

I am but a shadow of myself.
Do you recognize me?
Can you still see who I was?
Because I can't.
I no longer see the carefree little girl,
the one with all the dreams,
all the wishes,
and no fear.
I'm so unsure of who I am,
that I don't even know
where to start
to attempt to figure it out.
What do you see when you look at me?
Do you know who I am?
Can you tell me where to start?
I'm lost.
I'm confused.
I'm amazed,
and in awe of everything.
In some ways I am very much
the little girl I don't remember,
but in others,
I'm nothing like her.
It's amazing how we change
without noticing.
It's amazing what happens
when we're busy with other things.
Life goes on,
regardless of what we might be doing.
I am who I am,
whether I understand what that means
or not.
Can you accept me as I am?
Can I?

Dancing in the dark

I dance in the dark
arms outstretched
feet moving
to the beat inside my head

I wonder
if I asked you to dance
would you join me?

Maybe you would
maybe you wouldn’t

I’ll never know
because
I’m too afraid to ask

There’s too much at stake
for me to risk the chance
that you’d turn me down
that you’d say no

I couldn’t survive
my heart being broken
by you

There’s too much
desire
hope
possibility
history

I know that I’m missing out
by fearing failure
but I can’t bring myself
to say the words out loud
to ask you to dance

So here I am
alone
dancing in the dark
arms outstretched
feet moving
to the beat inside my head

... when I'll land

Don't mind me, I'm just falling to pieces. Too many thoughts. Too many unanswered questions. Wanting to cry but the tears won't fall. Wanting to scream but afraid of drawing attention. Afraid of the questions and the misguided sympathy. Not being able to handle the looks of misunderstanding that result from people thinking they know how I feel. You can't know how I feel. No one but me can know that. You aren't me. You don't live in my head. (And some days it'd be nice if I didn't.) I don't know why I am the way I am. Sometimes I think I've got it figured out but there's always a shift and I end up shattered and broken again. An endless cycle. A ride that I can't get off of. I see the carnie with the toothless grin and cackling laughter, but he's no good to me. Don't know what I can do but hope the ride breaks down and I will be released. I am bound by unseen chains, blindfolded and gagged. I no longer have control. I am a puppet on a string with an unseen master choosing each move for me. I freefall into nothing and wonder when I'll land, if at all.

We could all use a few more hugs...

Holding on

Disconnected. Confused. Not sure where to go from here. Wanting something. Wanting someone. Don't know if there's a way to make it work. Reaching out blindly, not knowing if anyone's there, if anyone cares. Wanting to try something but fearing the potential consequences if it doesn't work. Not wanting to lose what is but curious about what could be. A couple road blocks leave things very up in the air. Hating feeling like this but don't know what to do to change it. Hoping for something that can't be had. Frustrated. Lost. Left wanting. But what? Don't know. Wanting to feel close to someone. Wanting to feel loved. What needs to be done? Is there anything that can be? Or is it all up to fate and chance? So unsure. Going around in circles. Spiraling. Falling. In love? Out of love? Feels like some strange combination of. Feeling like a chance was missed. Should have been taken before but wasn't. Conversation. Thoughts. Ideas. No way of acting on them. Stressed, with only the self to blame. Though that might not quite be true. Thinking too much. Making something of nothing. But still hoping. Holding on to the possibility. Knowing it's likely in vain and a wasted effort but not knowing what else to do.

Keith Richards Info

According to my sister, from something she saw on TV, Keith Richards told the magazine that he snorted his father's ashes as a joke but they printed it anyway. So he may not be quite as strange as that action would indicate but definitely says something about his sense of humor.

Ha ha ha, Keith Richards is unreal!!!

Rolling Stones Keith Richards snorted his father’s ashes mixed with cocaine, he tells magazine
By Associated PressTuesday, April 3, 2007 - Updated: 04:17 PM EST

LONDON -- Keith Richards has acknowledged consuming a raft of illegal substances in his time, but this may top them all.

In comments published Tuesday, the 63-year-old Rolling Stones guitarist said he had snorted his father’s ashes mixed with cocaine.

”The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father,” Richards was quoted as saying by British music magazine NME.

”He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared,” he said. ”... It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.”

Richards’ father, Bert, died in 2002, at 84.

Richards, one of rock’s legendary wild men, told the magazine that his survival was the result of luck, and advised young musicians against trying to emulate him.

”I did it because that was the way I did it. Now people think it’s a way of life,” he was quoted as saying.

”I’ve no pretensions about immortality,” he added. ”I’m the same as everyone ... just kind of lucky.

”I was No. 1 on the ’who’s likely to die’ list for 10 years. I mean, I was really disappointed when I fell off the list,” Richards said.

© Copyright 2007 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Courtship and Love

It's a game
It's an art form
It's confusing as hell

It's wonder
It's bliss
It's the most pain you'll ever know

It's chance
It's skill
It's complete and utter fluke

Sometimes you get lucky
Sometimes you don't
Sometimes it's just not enough

It's friendship
It's loneliness
It's so much more

It's desirable
It's repulsing
It's something that can't be explained

It's heaven
It's hell
It's more addictive than anything

Do I love him?
Does he love me?
How do we really know?

If I...

If I reach for you
will you take my hand?

If I call your name
will you answer?

If I look
will I find you?

Will you be there
when I need you?

and when I don't?

something of interest to check out

http://www.lismonro.com/

invisible street walkers

a hand outstretched
an embarrassed look
a soft voice asks
"excuse me, can you spare some change?"

what do you do?
reach into your pocket
ignore the request
state you don't have any
offer to buy a meal

how many people walk by without seeing?
how many people ignore those reaching for help?

they're no different than you and i
just down on their luck
made some poor choices
and now do what they have to to survive

could you do it?
could you survive on the streets?
get by without your conveniences
without your morning coffee

do you look down on those who ask for what you can spare?
could you handle someone looking at you that way?
why is it that those who got lucky look down on those who didn't?

yeah you worked for what you've got
some did anyway
but many of those who walk the streets
have worked just as hard
life just delt them a poor hand

they are the invisible street walkers
seen by some
but generally ignored by most
turned away from
looked down on
essentially walked over

think about this
think about what you do
think about if this was you

pieces of my heart

blind my eyes
so i no longer see images of you

deafen my ears
so i no longer hear the sound of your voice

take away my sense of smell
so i never again wonder if you're near

cut out my tongue
so no taste reminds me of you

seal my lips
so i can't speak your name

tie my hands
so i don't reach for you

bind my feet
so that i can't follow you

now walk away

ignore my tears

don't look back
it'll only make things worse

just take your things and leave

i'll get the pieces of my heart
when i'm alone

Some things I've made :)

Purses

Shoulder bag (hard to tell from the pic but this bag is big enough for books and papers etc)

Poncho

Wrap

Toque (looks a little funny on me but whatever)

Baby blanket

Baby booties (modelled by Milo)

where you belong

To be...
...broken
To know...
...love despite this
To want...
...the touch of another
To feel...
...skin on skin

To be...
...starry eyed in wonder
To know...
...you are not alone
To want...
...someone to care
To feel...
...the gentle touch of love's hand

To be...
...locked in an embrace
To know...
...you don't have to let go
To want...
...to hold on forever
To feel...
...that this is where you belong

Message of the day...

Life is short,
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that
Made you smile.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we`re here we
Should dance....

(Taken from an email)

Purple tangents and skeleton key inspiration

Throw purple paint through my screaming silhouette and see what happens next. There is no understanding, only sound. A wandering eye leaves an empty head wondering why it can’t see. The volume increases – my silhouette doesn’t like purple. Couldn’t you have chosen another colour? Inspire someone with a skeleton key and see what doors you can open. Where do they lead? Past? Present? Future? Into the void. Released into the unknown and left to fend for ourselves. No map, no direction, only sound. What can you hear? Anything but screaming? My head is ringing. All I hear is buzzing. Can you make out any words? If you can, please pass them on to me because I can’t. Though, I don’t know if I’d understand them from you either. It can’t hurt to try. Well, maybe it could, but I don’t think it will. Do you still have the key? Or have you given it away? We’re at a passage and there’s a lock ahead. I’m not really sure what it’s locking as I only see the lock. Can you tell? The screams echo through my head to the point that I can no longer think. Ringing and buzzing and mass confusion. Take my hand and lead me out. Lead me away from my screaming silhouette. Oh, why did you have to choose purple?! Has the empty head found the wandering eye? It fumbles along but I don’t know if it has good or bad luck. I wonder what caught the eye’s attention causing it to wander away … I can’t imagine it would do very well for long on its own. Please take my hand. My brain’s doing its own thing and I’m afraid. Thinking too much can’t be good. There are too many tangents. Too many directions. Is there a door near by that we can try? Find out where it takes us. Anywhere is better than here. I’m drowning in screams and all I see is purple. Release me into something new. Somewhere. Anywhere. Nowhere. It doesn’t matter. Ringing. Buzzing. Skeleton key inspiration. A leap of faith and I’m gone.

So I'm a little stuck in the past....

...whatcha gonna do about it?

Looking over my last couple of posts I realize that my brain has been rather past oriented this evening/morning (whatever). Oh well, this is what happens when I have hours of silence in which my mind can wander. Been thinking a lot lately about the relationships I have and have had. Interesting to consider the way those I know and have know have impacted who I now am. Am I better than I was? I don't know but hopefully I'm at least no worse. I'm different but that's what life does, it creates change, and I'm ok with that.

...on the corner of the page

I sit down with pen in hand to write a letter to you. It's been too long, so much has happened. There is so much I want to tell you, so much I want to know but when I put pen to paper the words aren’t there. So many images flash through my mind. Memories of happier times. I remember the way it felt to put my arms around you. The way you looked at me and the way you changed me. These are so fresh in my mind despite the passage of time. I wonder if you ever realized the effect you had on me. I am who I am because of you. I am grateful for the time we had and I can’t help but wonder what might have been had a couple choices been made differently. I suppose at this point it doesn’t really matter. I shared many of my firsts with you and I hope they meant what you claimed they did. I hope you meant the words you said. You meant so much to me during the short time we shared and I think in some ways I may have meant more than I realized to you. We loved each other. We hurt each other, though I don’t think either of us really intended to. We were young and naïve (as much as we believed otherwise). I’ve grown and I’ve changed but you’re one I’ve never forgotten. I don’t know if you think of me but I hope that if you do it’s with a smile. I think of you with fondness and a bit of sadness. I wonder where life’s taken you and if our paths will ever cross again. Is it weird for me to still feel connected despite the fact that I wouldn’t claim to know you anymore? We’re connected by the past. At the present, I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing and I have no idea what the future is going to bring. All I know is that you left footprints on my heart and I will never forget that. I’m sorry for any pain I caused you and if I failed to hold strong when you reached for me. I’m sorry I let my own pain get the best of me. I hope that you know I never wanted anything but the best for you. I tried to understand… So much time has past and I stare at a blank page while a tear drops off my face, leaving a small mark on the corner of the page. I am at a loss for words…

a little bit of hope

a scent
a fleeting memory
and a random thought of you
I look around
and laugh at myself
because I know it can't be you
it's just wishful thinking
and a little bit of hope
a desire
to feel again
the way I felt with you
random memories flood my mind
a look
a touch
a connection
I can't help but wonder
what could have been
though it doesn't matter now
all I'm left with is
a fleeting memory
a scent
and a little bit of hope

From poetry.com

Bliss

is to do nothing
on a sunday afternoon

watching clouds move
leaves waving
paper flapping

a plane glides through
a fig incense burning
my favorite song playing

book open and unread

-Loretta Chang

Decisions

"It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it's mine."

- House of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski

I read this line last night and something just clicked for me. It makes so much sense and yet it's not something I've really ever considered before. Because, if you think about it, if you can't take responsibility and stand behind your own decisions, then how can you expect anyone else to stand behind you on them. Do you get what I'm saying? Really, we never know if the decision we made was right or wrong until after its been made anyway so why can't we just accept it as our own despite what happens after? I've made decisions that turned out well and decisions that didn't turn out so well, but they are decisions I have made and I'm coming to accept that. People, in general, need to learn to accept the decisions they have made whether they like the results or not. Occasionally we are given an opportunity to change decisions that were previously made and we get a second chance to make the "right" one, though it's still up to us as to whether we change the decision or not. But, who's to say whether a decision was "right" or "wrong"? I think it's all a matter of opinion. I may make a decision that someone watching me thinks is stupid, or just can't understand why I would do something like I did, but to me it might be what I need to do, for others involved or maybe just for me. So, we have to accept our decisions as ours and accept that we may have done right for us but others may not be able to understand that. I know I've walked away from good things but when doing so also knew that it was what I needed to do. I couldn't keep doing what I was doing as hard as it was to turn away, it was the decision I had made. I can accept my own choices and accept that they are why I am where I am. Can you? Are you able to take responsibility for yourself, for your actions? Do you know how you ended up where you are? We make decisions all the time. Some requiring more thought than others. Some seemingly insignificant. And some that seem like they will change everything. Our days are made up of decision after decision, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. This is why we need to learn to accept our decisions are ours regardless of whether they are "right" or "wrong", especially because we may never really know. So you know what? Fuck it, it's mine.

...

"I will always want you
I will always need you
I will always love you
... and I will always miss you."

-Haunted, Poe

"... rocking back and forth between wishful thinking and some private agony until the bar breaks. I've no fucking clue."

-House of Leaves, Mark Z. Danieleski

A poem by Alex Dunbar

Here, inside my heart
Where devils fear to tread
Wish you were here
Wish you were near
Wish I could feel your breath
On my ear
Wish I could touch you
I wish I could taste you
And scream your name
As I'm pressed against you
Wish you were here
Wish you were near
Making memories
In the face of fear
Through foreign places
Young passion chases
Far off provinces
And beautiful faces
Wish you were here
Wish you were near
As I turn the page
On another year
With enduring lust
And building trust
Re-discover each other
Despite the rust
Wish you were here
Wish you were near
So you could brush away
An occasional tear
If only we could find
Our wandering minds
Amidst the tumultious
Confusion of the times
Wish you were here
Wish you were near
To sail away
In an oceon so clear
We could prosper and heal
Merge to make love
If only I knew that
You were real

Taking control

razor blades and heartache
pain and confusion
looking for relief
for a release
but there's nothing to be found
a random thought
"draw blood"
seems like a stranger's voice
"break the skin"
but knowing it comes from within
"it's about control"
trying to block the sound
without success
what happens now?
there is a choice to be made
"draw blood"
to listen or to ignore
"break the skin"
trying not to think
"it's about control"
trying to shut the world out
wanting to have control
to know what to do
but losing it
giving in
without really wanting to
"draw blood"
and a flash of red
"break the skin"
the blade slices easily
"it's about control"
a form of control is taken
a form of relief
a form of release



(Note: This is the result of me looking through photography in the category of horror and macabre on deviantart.com)

Torn and Twisted

"Then I'm dying on the bottom of a pit in the blazing sun
Torn and twisted at the foot of a burning bike
And I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell
And the last thing I see is my heart
Still beating
Breaking out of my body
And flying away
Like a bat out of hell"

- Bat out of hell, Meatloaf

I like these few lines from this song. They create an interesting image in my mind. And in an odd way, something I can relate to. I get an image of a heart with wings flying away from a broken body, so taking the lyrics literally. It's a weird idea to be able to relate to the idea of watching one's heart break out of one's body and fly away, and being left broken and heartless. I don't think I'd ever become heartless but I can relate to feeling broken and maybe lacking in control when it comes to matters of the heart. But really, do we ever have control? We like to think so but I'm not sure we do, or even can. We don't choose who we love and/or don't love, it just kind of happens. It's weird to know you need to turn away from someone who loves you because you don't feel the same. But it happens. It's not easy, for either involved but arguably what needs to be done. I am also able to take the description in the first few lines about being physically broken and relating it to the feelings of being emotionally broken. Emotions can so easily be torn and twisted, particularly by those who mean the most to us, though hopefully they're the ones trying to protect us from having that happen. But it is a part of life. We just have to hope that we don't end up so broken that we can't be put back together.

Questions

there are so many questions
some I can answer
some I can't
some I want to ask
but am afraid to
because I don't know
if I really want the answer
some can't be put into words
and some just hang in the air
I don't know where this leaves us
or where we go from here
I'm confused and unsure
and left wondering
about answers I don't have

What your name means...

http://www.paulsadowski.org/Numbers.asp

Erin Rose Forbes

There are 14 letters in your name.
Those 14 letters total to 78
There are 6 vowels and 8 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Irish Male
An ancient and poetic name for Ireland. Famous bearer: Erin from the American television series 'The Waltons'.

Irish Female
From Ireland.

Gaelic Male
Peace; Poetic name for Ireland.

Gaelic Female
Poetic name for Ireland. Peace.

Celtic Female
From Ireland.

Your number is: 6
The characteristics of #6 are: Responsibility, protection, nurturing, community, balance, sympathy.

Birthday Calculator

October 23, 1983

Your date of conception was on or about 30 January 1983 which was a Sunday.
You were born on a Sunday under the astrological sign Scorpio.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/13/1983 and ending 2/1/1984.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Pig.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Snake; your plant is Thistle.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Choiach, the fourth month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 16 Heshvan 5744.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 17 Heshvan 5744.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.10.7.6 which is 12 baktun 18 katun 10 tun 7 uinal 6 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Sunday, 16 Muharram 1404 (1404-1-16).

Your birthstone is Tourmaline -->The Mystical properties of Tourmaline
Pink Tourmaline promotes female balance and protection. Green Toumaline promotes male balance.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Opal, Jasper

Your birth tree is
Maple, Independence of Mind
No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

The moon's phase on the day you wereborn was waning gibbous.

(This came from http://www.paulsadowski.org/BirthDay.asp)

random pseudohaiku

- by Sherwin Tjia

i can't just

leave the suffering

to others

This seems somewhat fitting at the moment. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused but know I feel it to. I'm so broken and confused.

...

A random conversation
that leads to confessions
at the risk of complications.

Logic overrules
a poor excuse.

A single hint
that's not so subtle,
and a decision
to go for it.

Just going with the flow.

No expectations;
no direction.

Many questions,
but no answers;
some avoided,
and others never asked.

A shy smile,
a soft touch,
and a subtle kind of passion.

A shift in dynamics,
and a new awareness
of the other.

A smile and a wave,
as they each go
their own direction.

What happens now
is left to be determined...

Wish you were here

-Pink Floyd

So, so you think you can tell

Heaven from Hell,

blue skies from pain.

Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?

A smile from a veil?

Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?

Hot ashes for trees?

Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?

And did you exchange

a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
Running over the same old ground.

What have we found?

The same old fears.

Wish you were here.

(So, I'm not really sure why I wanted to post the lyrics to this, I just did. Heard it on the radio when my alarm went off today and just felt like posting it. I don't really know if it caused me to think of anyone in particular or if I was just feeling that it would be nice to have someone there with me. I like this song and hearing it today reminded me that I can play it. Maybe I'll pull out my guitar in the near future and just see what I can remember. Anyway, that's all for now.)

Valentine's Day

Well, here we are, Valentine's Day. This seems to be a holiday that there are many mixed feelings and opinions about. In many ways it's a typical "hallmark" holiday, full of consumerism and spending money needlessly. The idea is to celebrate love and romance. Though this just disgusts many single people. To me, it doesn't make sense to have a day to celebrate love and romance because these are things that we should be celebrating all the time, not just once a year. Arguably, Valentine's Day has become a day for those who don't have a "valentine" to bitch and complain about it and for all of us to complain about the downside of love and relationships. I think Valentine's Day should be used to celebrate love generally, celebrate good friends, family, and significant others, instead of just being focused on one's significant other. And it's become so stereotypical, flowers, chocolate, maybe jewelry. Where's the creativity? Says a lot more, at least to me it does, to give something that is unique and fitting to the person receiving and to the person giving. Maybe I sound cynical but I'm a little emotionally confused and broken at the moment so I think it's allowed. Anyway, hope everyone enjoys Valentine's Day however you may be spending it.

Into the pit....

"In any case, there's bound to be much crying.
But the oubliette alone will let you think while dying."

- Cat's Cradle, Kurt Vonnegut

(Picture taken by Erin Forbes 2006)

Bound and caged;

trapped in a haze;

wandering with nowhere to go.

You smile and laugh

at the voice in your head,

and wonder if you've spoken out loud.

Crying,

slowly dying;

losing your mind one piece at a time.

The only torture is that

which you imposed on yourself,

in your time of self-destruction.

The binds that hold you

are the ones you created,

and any change in them you, yourself have made.

The cage you are in,

you built alone,

with the intention of keeping others out.

You've succeeded in this,

but you've trapped yourself in

with nowhere to go and limited help.

Now you stand

looking up at the light,

curious to whether someone is looking down.

Bound and caged;

thinking about how long it's been since you put yourself

into the pit...

Random pseudohaikus...

"What's a pseudohaiku? It's a poem of pure indulgence, a three-liner without the constraint, the pretension of the 5/7/5 syllable form. The subject matter? Relationships, cats, insecurities - themes that recur and built into a pulsing non-linear narrative."
(found on the back of the book The World Is a Heartbreaker)

... taken from The World Is a Heartbreaker by Sherwin Tjia

everything matters.
nothing matters.
swallow that whole.

just
freak
enough

everyone is
sexy to someone.
take me.

some days the
old scars bulge
bright red

(NOTE: I think these are neat and have decided that every so often when I have nothing much to say that I will post a random few from the book I have. Let me know if you have any thoughts on them. Maybe in time I'll conjure up some of my own, we'll see.)

In the balance

Hanging by a thread.

Swinging.

Random thoughts pass through my head.

Did he love me?
Did he mean the things he said?
He's so much a part of me
though there's been no contact for years.
I don't know what happened to him
yet every so often he crosses my mind.

What will happen to me?
I wonder if someone will find me.
I wonder if the thread will last,
keep me swinging
until something is figured out.

I am who I am.
Can you understand that,
or will you try to change me?
I don't know if I can give you all you ask for.
Are you able to accept that?
Are you willing to take what I can give
even if it's not quite what you want?

I'm in the balance.
Balance of what?
I'm not sure.

Connected.

Detached.

Explained.

Undefinable.

Can you follow?
Does this make sense?
Do you even care?

Here I am.

Swinging.

Wondering what's happening elsewhere
while I am hanging by a thread.

Complicating things that aren't

It's not supposed to be complicated and arguably it's not. So, why is it that I keep managing to make it feel that way? I'm getting good at creating unnecessary stress and confusion despite trying to keep things simple. I think too much and I'm not sure how to change that. No one's asking for more than I can give so why do I have this feeling of pressure to give more? I'm such a mess. I feel so broken. I don't even know what the problem is and this makes it difficult to fix. There are so many questions that I can't answer. Some of them don't matter, and I know that, but it doesn't stop me from trying. I don't know what I want and things would likely be simpler if I could just accept this and stop trying to force an answer that I don't have. Does it matter that I don't know what I want? Right now? Not really, yet I seem to stress over this anyway. I really should just be living, enjoying life. Have some fun and stop worrying about what I can't change. Sounds good. Sounds so simple. But, I don't know what to do to do this. I'm attached but disconnected. I'm alive, but am I living? I'm trying but I have to figure out what's worth the stress and what isn't. I need to be me. And I do my best to do that. I don't try to be something just because it's what someone else thinks I should be. That wouldn't make any sense. This is my life and I'm going to do with it what I want, even if currently I don't know what that is. My aim is to have some fun, meet some interesting people, and just see what happens. Simple. Straightforward. And I'll keep trying to stop complicating things that aren't complicated.

Funny Friday Post

At a U2 concert in Halifax, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.
Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice...
"Just for a moment, think outside yourself...Outside this arena.
Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A loud Newfy voice from near the front pierces the moment...
"Well, Lard tunderin jasus, ya stupid arse, stop fockin' clappin', yer hand den!"

T-shirt images that amused me...

(from http://www.noisebot.com/?gad=CMOp2skCEgikrNp0z2KQLRix_rX9AyDXnaMb)

Something to think about....

Teach me to walk and I shall run
Teach me to look and I shall see
Teach me to hear and I shall listen
Teach me to sing and I shall rejoice
For your instructions are imprinted in my mind
And your shared experiences I shall keep
What I have learned, I shall treasure
And by learning to fly
I shall soar!

- Donna L. Clovis

(I found this quote in Chicken Soup for the Kid's Soul. I like it. Made me think about the effects we have on others, whomever they may be - children, friends, parents, family.)

Milo

This is my new kitten, Milo. He's 17 weeks and a day. Just brought him home today. So far he's been pretty mellow. Wandering around, checking things out, and curling up under things. He's quite affectionate and his fur is impressively soft. He's awesome!

Catch and release

It's a little weird to realize that I had been caught for longer than I thought but it feels really good to begin to reach the point of being released. To gain the awareness that I am in control, and that I can let go without falling apart. The knowledge that it's an idea and not an individual that claims my desire creates an odd kind of freedom. Realizing that allows me to smile and laugh again, and to move forward. An idea is something that can be carried forward and potentially made into reality at another time. It's much harder to reach release when one's desire is focused on an individual who desires something different. It pleases me to know that I can let go of what I had with him. That doesn't mean I stop caring or forget what we shared, but it does mean that I'm reaching a point of potentially being able to give myself to someone else. And this is a nice place to be in. It's a place I haven't been for a while and it's good to be back. It's fun to get caught up in touch, feelings, and desire. The trick is, if it ends, being able to figure out how to be released, again. This is something that we each must determine for ourselves for the particular situation. Just because something worked before doesn't mean that it will work this time, but it does give us a place to start. Time, space, and good friends seems to be what I needed this time. Maybe that'll help again and maybe something else will be needed. Only time will tell. For now, I'm going to have some fun and wait to see what happens next time I'm caught.

Article from Lavalife

I found some of this interesting. I can understand most of the suggestions that are in it but I know some people that won't get the logic behind some (like being friends with an ex) but whatever. Let me know what you think. Cheers!



7 Things Every Single Should Do
By Sarah Fielding

Single life shouldn't deprive you of pleasures such as fine dining, exotic travel or fancy jewelry - things often associated with couples. In fact, a little indulgence helps broadcast the message that you're happening. So get cracking with our handy list.

1. Dine at a Top Restaurant -- Alone
Why? Why should couples be the only ones who can lavish themselves with good food, fine wines and be served by seriously swish wait staff?
Your Just Desserts: Eat out at the best restaurant in town, ordering whatever takes your fancy from the menu -- and to hell with the expense. Ask the sommelier to recommend a bottle of your favorite wine style. Dining alone is a skill that requires supreme confidence, so feel free invite another single friend to join you while you live it up.
The Upside: Knowing who'll foot the bill -- and that the only person you'll have to sleep with after a meal this expensive is you.

2. Buy Yourself a Great Piece of Jewelry
Why? Because waiting for Mr. or Ms. Right to shower you with gifts is soooo last century.
Be Your Own Sugar Daddy: If there's an object you desire -- a Tiffany pendant or designer cufflinks, say -- set up a savings plan so you can buy yourself that coveted trinket. Better still, buy your chosen charm as a reward for reaching another personal goal, such as getting a well-earned promotion at work.
The Upside: Knowing that you earned it and paid for it yourself provides a sense of self-satisfaction that's hard to match.

3. Leave a Job You Hate
Why? According to a 2005 Australian survey, 56 per cent of workers are unhappy with their jobs. Figures are comparable in North America.
Hit the Road, Jack: We all know that a bad work situation can create stress and tension that has a way of seeping into all other areas of our lives. Starting a new job or even a new career brings with it a sense of excitement and purpose that can invigorate the rest of your life. Isn't it time you reviewed your career options and planned your escape?
The Upside: The sense of power that comes with telling your slave-driver boss (in the nicest possible terms) to take their crummy job and shove it is a feeling that every underpaid and over-worked employee should experience at least once in their life.

4. Travel Solo
Why? Don't compromise your travel style and sightseeing agenda to suit someone else. Set out on your own for an unforgettable travel experience.
See the World Solo: When it comes to solo travel, start small. A weekend escape -- be it B&B or five-star resort -- will leave you feeling refreshed and recharged. Sitting by the pool playing the incognito movie star card gives you plenty of time for self-reflection -- and the opportunity to plan your next fabulous getaway.
The Upside? No negotiation over destination required. Plus, you won't have to share your miniature shampoo booty with anyone, and you'll know who scoffed all the Pringles from the mini-bar.

5. Be Friends with an Ex
Why? Good friends are hard to find. And the best ones are worth hanging on to -- even if they have seen you with no clothes on.
On Friendly Terms: A milestone in maturity, the ability to remain on friendly terms with someone who was once a lover takes tact, patience and diplomacy.
The Upside: Having at least one ex that you're still friends with lets the world know you're not bitter, twisted or obsessive. Rather it shows that you recognize that a quality friendship was at the heart of your lost romance, and that this is something worth preserving.

6. Do the Wild Thing
Why? Countless studies suggest that an active sex life does wonders for our mental and physical well-being, boosting endorphin levels, underlining self-confidence and just generally making us feel better.
Get your Rocks Off: I'm not suggesting you fling you morals aside with all the enthusiasm of a stripper in full flight. I'm merely suggesting that if there's a particular itch that you'd like to scratch, use the opportunity of singledom to give it a go.
The Upside: Nothing puts a spring in your step quite like achieving a sexual milestone.

7. Have a Lost Weekend
Why? Because if you don't have at least one incriminating story of excess that the grandkids should never hear about, you'll probably live to regret it.
Get Lost: Stay out all night dancing on tables and doing tequila body shots with your best friend. Loose yourself in a Czech beer hall drinking 'til dawn with two Hebrew-speaking Mexicans. It doesn't matter with whom, it doesn't matter where; just do it before you settle down.
The Upside? You'll learn about your alcohol tolerance, you'll learn about your self-control and, when you awaken after your lost weekend, you'll understand the true meaning of pain.

This list is by no means definitive; it's intended to inspire you to create your own list of things to aspire to, goals to reach and experiences to try at least once in your lifetime.

Setting -- and reaching -- these targets will show you that taking a few risks and stepping out of your comfort zone really does helps you bloom and grow into a fabulous, well-balanced and accomplished individual. Get cracking!

I really like this song. I'm not really sure what it is about it that I like but that doesn't really matter anyway. I like it, why should I question that? I particularly like the last few lines. It's kind of cynical but also somewhat realistic.

Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts,
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.

When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more ...Aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working. Good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

Sometimes, I guess, there just aren't enough rocks.

- Forrest Gump

Somewhat disturbing....

Alright, I found this on a friend of mine's blog (fyrephreak) and it got me thinking. There are so many people fixated on diamonds and their value, but how many people think about where they come from, and how they are retrieved? Probably not too many, because people have a tendancy to ignore things like this. There are so many people that own diamonds or one day hope to. How many can say that their diamond is not a conflict diamond, or even stop to consider something like that? The value people place on diamonds is not something that I understand. I'm not one who is particularly into material things generally, so I suppose that's part of the reason I don't understand. What is it that makes a diamond worth so much? Obviously, this is not something I know a whole lot about. I pick up random bits here and there and it seems that the more I learn about it the less desire I have to own a diamond. Oh well, I guess that's just me.

Please ask me to wait

“I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.”

It’s a little weird to be able to relate to a statement like this, but I can. I don’t know if I can explain it in a way for others to understand but I feel like I’m lost within myself. Wanting to figure out who I am and where I fit but not knowing where to start, or what questions I need to ask. I feel stuck. Every time I think I’ve started to figure things out something happens to throw that off. It’s not necessarily anything significant, just something. Sometimes it’s an event, sometimes it’s something someone says, and sometimes it’s just a single thought that flashes through my mind. I want to reach out to others for help, for reassurance, for some understanding … but I’m just not sure how. I don’t know if I can. My track record makes it hard to know. I feel close to people on some levels and on others can’t seem to let go of my independence enough to rely on someone else. Part of this may be because of people I’ve known proving to be unreliable when I needed someone just to be there. Part of it also may be from often being the strength for someone else, just being used to being the one to be leaned on. I’m not really sure. Just trying to express some thoughts. Don’t really know if any of this makes sense, but I’m not too worried about that, as this isn’t really being done for anyone but me. I wonder if I’m capable of opening myself up enough to be vulnerable to someone else … I used to be but I’m not so sure I am anymore. I don’t like being vulnerable and I’m not sure about someone else having that kind of impact on me. On the other hand, I’m not a big fan of having that kind of impact on someone else either. It scares me to think of the pain that someone could cause me, or that I could cause someone else, to feel. My thoughts are so scattered, I’m not really certain of anything. I don’t know who I am or who I want to be. And I don’t know how to go about figuring that out. So, like it says in the quote, if you see me before I do please ask me to wait.

life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

It can't be premarital sex, if no one has proposed...

bumper sticker

Broken

Shattered memories

and broken hearts.

A wandering mind

left to wonder.

Nothing makes sense

but everything's in its place.

You're there and I'm here

but something's not right.

I'm not who I was

and I don't know you anymore.

Disconnected

from the reality of what was.

Having a knowledge

I never wanted.

To know love and pain

more intimately than I ever imagined.

Feeling very alone

despite being surrounded by others.

To be looking

for something that's no longer there.

Broken

and scared.

Top 5

Okay... got a challenge from a friend of mine's blog (www.devoncoupland.blogspot.com) and I know he'll keep harrassing me till I do it so here it is:

Top 5 songs that provide me with some form of escape:
(in no particular order)

1) If you were here - Poe
2) Hurt - Johnny Cash
3) True Colors - Cindi Lauper
4) Do you sleep? - Lisa Loeb
5) Hey Pretty (Drive-By 2001 Mix) - Poe

And for anyone that's interested the challenge was to make a list of the top five songs for something in your life.

A new beginning...

So, here we are at the beginning of a new year. Did you make your resolutions? If that is something that you do, I generally don't. Though, I have come to some conclusions about my own situation and what I'm going to do from here. I hope everyone had a good ending to this past year and I wish everyone the best in the year to come. :)

Happy Holidays!

Well, it's Christmas Eve and I'm at work. It's weird because I used to say that I would never work Christmas and here I am working over Christmas. I think the difference is that I'm not doing just any job but working with teens that have no where else to go. It's the holidays that remind me that I'm lucky and reinforce the appreciation I have for those that care about me. It makes me happy to know that there are people I can turn to, whatever may happen, and they will be there for me. I very much appreciate that fact as I am well aware that there are people that have no one else to turn to. I hope the holidays find you well and give the opportunity for good times and laughter with friends and family.

Wishing everyone the best, now and always.

Saying goodbye

I don’t want to but I think it might be time that I have to. I love you but I can’t keep doing this. I can’t handle it anymore. I would like to be friends but I leave that for you to pursue. You’ve said things to me recently that make me wonder if it’s possible and have led me to decide that what happens in that regard is now up to you. For now, all I can do is turn around and walk away. I need to figure out some things for myself so that I can move forward and see where life takes me. I’ve been stuck for long enough, it’s time to get out the chains and pull myself out. Part of me will always wonder what might have been and I know that I will always miss you. I just have to accept that, tuck it away, and keep going. One step at a time and each event as it comes. In some ways, I know that I’ll be looking for what we shared even though I know I’ll never find that again. In time I hope to find something. I know that it will be different, but hopefully just as strong and as good, if not more so. I will always hold close the memories of what we shared and wish you nothing but the best life has to offer. You have been a big part of my life and played a huge role in helping to shape the person that I’ve become. I am grateful for the love you gave me and the things you showed and shared with me. I am grateful for having the opportunity to love someone the way I have loved you. I’m just not sure where I’m supposed to go from here. There’s so much going through my head that just has no coherence to it, and this is why it seems to make the most sense just to try to let it go. Does this make sense? Can you understand where I’m coming from? I hope that you do. I really don’t want to say goodbye but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t take the “what ifs?” and “maybes” anymore. I have so many things that I want to ask you but I don’t see how it would be helpful. You aren’t currently available to me and I have to find a way to accept that. If there’s something you need or want from me I hope you let me know. If there are questions that you want answers to then I hope you ask. I don’t know what else to say, except…

I love you.
I miss you.
Goodbye.

The trouble is that you think you have time.
- Jack Kornfield

Sick of being in limbo...

What is it that binds us to others? Is it love, in whatever form? It could be a need or want that someone else fills for us. Maybe it's an addiction. What is it that draws us to someone and causes us to pull away from someone else? Why is it that we can care so much about some people and couldn't care less about others? What's different? Obviously the people are, but are we really that drastically different from those around us? Maybe it's just something in our own heads. I can't really say. I slowly gather random bits of information, but currently I don't know what to do with them. I don't have enough to complete the picture. There are all kinds of people that draw me to them and some that make me cringe and shy away. Why? I'm not sure. I haven't been able to figure out the common factor among those that appeal to me or what is lacking in those who don't. I don't know if these thoughts make any sense. I'm really just rambling to quiet my mind. I feel lost and confused and unsure what to do next. So, for now, I'm not going to do anything. I'm trying not to think too much but also not wanting to make any decisions too quickly. I keep commenting that I don't really know what I'm doing and it seems that the more I try to figure things out the more confused I end up feeling. There are some that would tell me to forget it and move on, and others that would say to follow my heart, and I'm sure still more with their own bits of advice, but I'm not sure that any of that is helpful. I don't think this is something that someone else can help me with. It's too much in my own head. It's like trying to find direction with a compass that has a needle just spinning round and round. Not exactly the most useful tool. I'm not really sure that I have any tools besides knowing myself and what I can and cannot deal with. All I can really do at the moment is just give things time. Maybe I'll get lucky and gain some clarity. Thinking of getting away for a while just to leave everything and everyone behind for a bit and just be me. Leave all worries and stress behind and give myself a chance to figure myself out and what it is that I want to do. Hopefully I can figure out something sooner than later as I'm getting sick of being in limbo...

Chains

Metal
Plastic
Real
Or imagined
These are the things that hold us back
The things that hold us down
Around ankles
Wrists
Neck
Or chest
They contain us
And keep us from gaining ground
They hide our potential and mask their fears
They’re our safety and our burden
A blessing in disguise
They encase our passions and empower our dreams
Lead us to fight
And go for our dreams
Some are put there by us and some put there by them
But they’re still the same
Our enveloping chains.

(Written June 1, 2001)

Thought for any day

Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Random advice from a good luck email

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: R espect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Running into the sun

"To fade away from this place,
To exist in a world of dreams,
To forget the confinements of space,
To live a different life, or so it would seem."
- from To fade from this place by Devon Coupland

This is something I think could be useful. Just to fade out and disappear for a while. Get away from everything to be able to get an outside point of view. Giving yourself the chance to gain a new perspective on what you're walking away from. To leave all stress and worries behind and live a different life for a time. What would be different if I were somebody other than me? Would everything change or would some things remain the same? If I were no longer me would you continue to be you? There are some who would likely not be the same and others who would not see any change. There are those who know me and I have left an impression on, those who know me that I haven't impressed anything of myself onto, those who have impressed themselves on me, and those who don't know me at all. Who would notice if I faded away? Would you? I wonder who would care, and who would wish me to return. Would you notice if I left today? Would it matter? Would you follow me into a world of dreams? I wonder what it would be like. Maybe we could find peace in the shadows or chase the stars along a moonbeam. Forget the logic of space and time and go wherever, whenever. Leave behind the confinements of reality and just be. Let go of pain and confusion and hold onto child-like wonder. See everything again for the first time. Loving for the sake of love. Learning to laugh just because it feels good. Smiling to make others wonder what you're thinking. Spinning till we fall down dizzy just for the pure enjoyment of the feeling. Doing what feels good without question or thought. Leaving sadness and fears behind. Walking away from heartache towards serenity. Skipping along, hand in hand, just because we can. And when we've had enough we can run into the sun just to feel its warmth as we fade away into something new.

An Excerpt From "The Tao of Pooh"

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.

"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."

"And he has Brain."

"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."

There was a long silence.

"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."

Detrimental effects of alcohol and other drugs

It disturbs me to try to wrap my brain around the fact that teenagers and young adults can already be alcoholics regardless of the fact that I've seen it right in front of me. I've met kids that say they want to stop drinking and doing various drugs which is good but the fact that they're 15 and 16 years old and have these kinds of problems saddens me. I have watched friends of mine go down a nasty road because they thought alcohol provided a nice escape from reality. It's really hard to watch knowing that there is nothing you can do until they reach the point of realization, until they are willing to admit that it is now a problem. I have friends that experiment with various drugs, they know I don't like it, and some of them know why. I've seen enough people with too many problems because of it. But again, there's really nothing I can do. I do the little things I can and put in my two cents when able but whether or not it makes a difference I really don't know. I know somewhere along the way I made a difference with one friend when he had the realization that he could be doing all the things that I was if he wanted to. He made some positive changes and did what he could in attempt to counteract some of the poor choices he'd made previously. I've had conversations with teenagers at early hours of the morning discussing the effects that various drugs have on one's body. Very strange. It's not something I can relate to and in this case that is something I am glad that I can say. There is no appeal to me. It seems that much of the appeal is an escape from reality, filling a desire to be somewhere else, mentally if not physically. I suppose that everyone has their own mechanisms of escape and for some people to achieve that they look towards drugs and alcohol. Maybe they see it as the easiest way of removing themselves from their current situation, at least momentarily. Personally, I would much rather get lost in music, the words of another, or just simply silence. I know this kind of thing won't work for everyone and I don't expect it to necessarily work for anyone but me. Everyone has to find their own escapes; I just hope that some find less destructive ones, and preferably sooner than later.

Is it possible for two people who were at one time very much in love to ever reach a point of just being friends? I pose this question and put it out into the void to find out what comes back. It's hard to believe that someone who meant so much to someone else can be cast out of their life completely. Though just because someone severs the connections between him- or herself and the other does not mean that the other never crosses his or her mind or is the source of the what if? thoughts that we often have. Relationships change but can they ever fully end? In some cases where the interaction has been short and shallow then maybe things can come to a complete end. But I would be very hard pressed to believe that when someone has made an impact on another. There are people who have been a part of my life that have changed and shaped me. They may have been a crucial person to me for a long period of time or I may have only known them for a moment, but either way they left footprints behind and I am not the same because of it. These are relationships that I can't say necessarily exist now, though some of them do in varying forms, but these are relationships that I can't say have completely ended either, even if I haven't had any contact with the individual since. Though I think that the situation may be different still when it involves two people who were and maybe still are very much in love. When you've given so much of yourself to another so fully and had it fall apart is there any hope of letting go of enough of what happened to start anew? To rebuild a lost friendship? I don't know. This is what I'm trying to figure out. I think that if one wants to build a friendship with someone that once meant so much more they must first forgive past hurts and let emotions, be as they are, just lie. I don't expect that it would be easy to let go of emotions that are there, which is why I don't suggest that. Though, one must come to some kind of coping and understanding of them to be able to separate the new relationship from the old. One must let go of the person as they had known them and for all practicality, view them as a stranger, giving the opportunity to start again. I don't suspect that this would be an easy thing to do, and I would guess that in some cases that it would be impossible. There are some situations where I am sure that people are just not able to let go of the emotions related to another enough to be able to start over with them. It's very hard to be sitting right beside someone and yet miss them so much that your heart aches. When this is how one feels I would think it extremely difficult, if not impossible, for one to be able to even attempt a friendship with that person, let alone have it actually work. From my own experience, some of those who have had the greatest impact on my life are no longer physically a part of it, they occupy my thoughts from time to time but I no longer have any idea where they are or what they are doing. There are those who have had an impact and continue to have an impact and play a role, and for them I am always thankful. It is still yet to be determined if one of the people who have meant the most to me will remain a part of my life or not. Only time will really tell if we are able to move forward from what has happened to a point in which we can relate to each other in a different way. In many ways we are still very connected and I haven't yet figured if that will help or hinder the possibility of maintaining something. I'll find out sooner or later I suppose. I will never forget the way that those who left footprints behind have made me feel and the experiences which we shared. Life happens and time keeps us moving forward. I have those that I can turn to for comfort and those who make me feel loved. I won't forget the past, though, I hope that I have learned something and have become a better person for it. I cherish old friendships and will do my best to help the new ones last to become old. I can't help but think about what was, though now they are fond memories of past happiness. I'm doing my best to not let any of the random ramblings of my mind cause trouble for the pursuit of current happiness. He checked to see that the way I looked at him was still there and there is hope of never losing that or the way that he looks at me. Sometimes I wonder if he's getting all that he deserves of me but in some ways I think that he knows it will take time and I appreciate the patience. I'm still figuring out how to cope with the past and the current confusions that are the results. I do my best to be open and honest so that I don't appear to be randomly freaking out when my thoughts go all over the place. I try to maintain context, though this often doesn't work, at least not in a way that the context makes sense. Dealing with the after effects of a past love in combination with fostering the beginnings of a new love. The process which is the opposite of my initially posed question: the changes in a relationship going from just friends to lovers.

Buckles

How can you expect to be comfortable with anyone else if you aren't comfortable with yourself? You have to be able to accept yourself for who you are before you can be accepted by and truly accept others. No one's perfect. We each come with our own unique set of flaws and we just have to be okay with that becuase it makes more sense to learn to love yourself the way you are than it does to spend your life trying to be something that you just aren't. Just something to think about.

Thoughts on advice...

How much of the advice that people offer to you do you actually take the time to consider and think about? And how much of it gets a nod and goes in one ear and out the other? This isn’t something I’ve really thought much about but I heard the song “Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)” by Baz Luhrmann today and it got me thinking. It seems to me that whether or not we consider advice given to us depends some on whether or not we are looking for advice and who it is that the advice is coming from. Logically we are more open to receive advice when we are actively looking for it, looking for some direction from somewhere else. But we can be very stand-offish when it comes to receiving advice that we are not seeking. And to consider my other idea, that it depends who it is coming from, one’s opinion of the person offering the advice would have an impact of one’s thoughts on the advice or whether they even consider it at all. We are much more likely to consider advice from someone that we respect and believe that they know what they are talking about versus someone whom we lack respect for. Whether or not we consider someone’s advice probably also depends on whether or not we are able to relate their advice to current issues. Someone could give very good advice but if you can’t relate to it then it is rendered useless. Advice is only useful if one understands it. Someone could use some elaborate metaphor to make a profound point and lose everyone that’s listening because they don’t understand what is being said. There’s something about simplicity that just makes sense. Why complicate something that you shouldn’t? Things are only as complicated as you make them. Mind you it’s pretty easy to make things complicated. Doesn’t seem to take much. Oh well. I think that’s all I have to say for now.

Just remember:

Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere.

Baz Luhrmann Lyrics - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own...

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…