internal storm

it's hard to sit with myself right now
my body feels like it doesn't fit right
something inside me is crying
i can't find it
i don't know how to offer comfort
or to hold it
it seems like my skin is trying to run away
my bones want to collapse
and the muscles just fade away
water flows in and through
fire burns endlessly
air moves in and out
earth holds things together
while space tries to break it apart
part of me is screaming
let me out
i need to get away
but there's no where to go
there's just here
just now
this moment
i take a breath
welcoming in the chaos
bracing myself for the storm
knowing
i'll be stronger
when it's over
but not knowing
when that will be
or where it will take me
in the mean time
hold on tight
(to what?)
going for a ride
in a hurricane
of feelings and emotions
sensations without context
mixed up
and all blended together
searching for the eye
finding a calmness
in the middle of it all
i'll stay here for now
wait it out
and see what's left...

i asked my body what its trying to tell me and this was the result

fear came to visit this morning
...well that's putting it nicely...

she is a child who came barreling at me in full force and slammed against me. i could feel her as a knot in my stomach. tightness in my chest. a lump in the base of my throat that seems to get bigger when i try to swallow it down. i met her with open arms and collective tears. embraced her. held her. repeatedly told her that she is welcome here. she is safe here. i will hold her for as long as she needs. i embraced all the sensations that she brought. i did my best to drop my walls and be fully present. to just be. letting go of control (not an easy task). moving into feeling. letting my logic brain run as it does without letting it run away with me. holding her. holding me. just be.

breathe...