Happy Holidays!

Well, it's Christmas Eve and I'm at work. It's weird because I used to say that I would never work Christmas and here I am working over Christmas. I think the difference is that I'm not doing just any job but working with teens that have no where else to go. It's the holidays that remind me that I'm lucky and reinforce the appreciation I have for those that care about me. It makes me happy to know that there are people I can turn to, whatever may happen, and they will be there for me. I very much appreciate that fact as I am well aware that there are people that have no one else to turn to. I hope the holidays find you well and give the opportunity for good times and laughter with friends and family.

Wishing everyone the best, now and always.

Saying goodbye

I don’t want to but I think it might be time that I have to. I love you but I can’t keep doing this. I can’t handle it anymore. I would like to be friends but I leave that for you to pursue. You’ve said things to me recently that make me wonder if it’s possible and have led me to decide that what happens in that regard is now up to you. For now, all I can do is turn around and walk away. I need to figure out some things for myself so that I can move forward and see where life takes me. I’ve been stuck for long enough, it’s time to get out the chains and pull myself out. Part of me will always wonder what might have been and I know that I will always miss you. I just have to accept that, tuck it away, and keep going. One step at a time and each event as it comes. In some ways, I know that I’ll be looking for what we shared even though I know I’ll never find that again. In time I hope to find something. I know that it will be different, but hopefully just as strong and as good, if not more so. I will always hold close the memories of what we shared and wish you nothing but the best life has to offer. You have been a big part of my life and played a huge role in helping to shape the person that I’ve become. I am grateful for the love you gave me and the things you showed and shared with me. I am grateful for having the opportunity to love someone the way I have loved you. I’m just not sure where I’m supposed to go from here. There’s so much going through my head that just has no coherence to it, and this is why it seems to make the most sense just to try to let it go. Does this make sense? Can you understand where I’m coming from? I hope that you do. I really don’t want to say goodbye but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t take the “what ifs?” and “maybes” anymore. I have so many things that I want to ask you but I don’t see how it would be helpful. You aren’t currently available to me and I have to find a way to accept that. If there’s something you need or want from me I hope you let me know. If there are questions that you want answers to then I hope you ask. I don’t know what else to say, except…

I love you.
I miss you.
Goodbye.

The trouble is that you think you have time.
- Jack Kornfield

Sick of being in limbo...

What is it that binds us to others? Is it love, in whatever form? It could be a need or want that someone else fills for us. Maybe it's an addiction. What is it that draws us to someone and causes us to pull away from someone else? Why is it that we can care so much about some people and couldn't care less about others? What's different? Obviously the people are, but are we really that drastically different from those around us? Maybe it's just something in our own heads. I can't really say. I slowly gather random bits of information, but currently I don't know what to do with them. I don't have enough to complete the picture. There are all kinds of people that draw me to them and some that make me cringe and shy away. Why? I'm not sure. I haven't been able to figure out the common factor among those that appeal to me or what is lacking in those who don't. I don't know if these thoughts make any sense. I'm really just rambling to quiet my mind. I feel lost and confused and unsure what to do next. So, for now, I'm not going to do anything. I'm trying not to think too much but also not wanting to make any decisions too quickly. I keep commenting that I don't really know what I'm doing and it seems that the more I try to figure things out the more confused I end up feeling. There are some that would tell me to forget it and move on, and others that would say to follow my heart, and I'm sure still more with their own bits of advice, but I'm not sure that any of that is helpful. I don't think this is something that someone else can help me with. It's too much in my own head. It's like trying to find direction with a compass that has a needle just spinning round and round. Not exactly the most useful tool. I'm not really sure that I have any tools besides knowing myself and what I can and cannot deal with. All I can really do at the moment is just give things time. Maybe I'll get lucky and gain some clarity. Thinking of getting away for a while just to leave everything and everyone behind for a bit and just be me. Leave all worries and stress behind and give myself a chance to figure myself out and what it is that I want to do. Hopefully I can figure out something sooner than later as I'm getting sick of being in limbo...

Chains

Metal
Plastic
Real
Or imagined
These are the things that hold us back
The things that hold us down
Around ankles
Wrists
Neck
Or chest
They contain us
And keep us from gaining ground
They hide our potential and mask their fears
They’re our safety and our burden
A blessing in disguise
They encase our passions and empower our dreams
Lead us to fight
And go for our dreams
Some are put there by us and some put there by them
But they’re still the same
Our enveloping chains.

(Written June 1, 2001)

Thought for any day

Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Random advice from a good luck email

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: R espect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Running into the sun

"To fade away from this place,
To exist in a world of dreams,
To forget the confinements of space,
To live a different life, or so it would seem."
- from To fade from this place by Devon Coupland

This is something I think could be useful. Just to fade out and disappear for a while. Get away from everything to be able to get an outside point of view. Giving yourself the chance to gain a new perspective on what you're walking away from. To leave all stress and worries behind and live a different life for a time. What would be different if I were somebody other than me? Would everything change or would some things remain the same? If I were no longer me would you continue to be you? There are some who would likely not be the same and others who would not see any change. There are those who know me and I have left an impression on, those who know me that I haven't impressed anything of myself onto, those who have impressed themselves on me, and those who don't know me at all. Who would notice if I faded away? Would you? I wonder who would care, and who would wish me to return. Would you notice if I left today? Would it matter? Would you follow me into a world of dreams? I wonder what it would be like. Maybe we could find peace in the shadows or chase the stars along a moonbeam. Forget the logic of space and time and go wherever, whenever. Leave behind the confinements of reality and just be. Let go of pain and confusion and hold onto child-like wonder. See everything again for the first time. Loving for the sake of love. Learning to laugh just because it feels good. Smiling to make others wonder what you're thinking. Spinning till we fall down dizzy just for the pure enjoyment of the feeling. Doing what feels good without question or thought. Leaving sadness and fears behind. Walking away from heartache towards serenity. Skipping along, hand in hand, just because we can. And when we've had enough we can run into the sun just to feel its warmth as we fade away into something new.

An Excerpt From "The Tao of Pooh"

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.

"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."

"And he has Brain."

"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."

There was a long silence.

"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."

Detrimental effects of alcohol and other drugs

It disturbs me to try to wrap my brain around the fact that teenagers and young adults can already be alcoholics regardless of the fact that I've seen it right in front of me. I've met kids that say they want to stop drinking and doing various drugs which is good but the fact that they're 15 and 16 years old and have these kinds of problems saddens me. I have watched friends of mine go down a nasty road because they thought alcohol provided a nice escape from reality. It's really hard to watch knowing that there is nothing you can do until they reach the point of realization, until they are willing to admit that it is now a problem. I have friends that experiment with various drugs, they know I don't like it, and some of them know why. I've seen enough people with too many problems because of it. But again, there's really nothing I can do. I do the little things I can and put in my two cents when able but whether or not it makes a difference I really don't know. I know somewhere along the way I made a difference with one friend when he had the realization that he could be doing all the things that I was if he wanted to. He made some positive changes and did what he could in attempt to counteract some of the poor choices he'd made previously. I've had conversations with teenagers at early hours of the morning discussing the effects that various drugs have on one's body. Very strange. It's not something I can relate to and in this case that is something I am glad that I can say. There is no appeal to me. It seems that much of the appeal is an escape from reality, filling a desire to be somewhere else, mentally if not physically. I suppose that everyone has their own mechanisms of escape and for some people to achieve that they look towards drugs and alcohol. Maybe they see it as the easiest way of removing themselves from their current situation, at least momentarily. Personally, I would much rather get lost in music, the words of another, or just simply silence. I know this kind of thing won't work for everyone and I don't expect it to necessarily work for anyone but me. Everyone has to find their own escapes; I just hope that some find less destructive ones, and preferably sooner than later.

Is it possible for two people who were at one time very much in love to ever reach a point of just being friends? I pose this question and put it out into the void to find out what comes back. It's hard to believe that someone who meant so much to someone else can be cast out of their life completely. Though just because someone severs the connections between him- or herself and the other does not mean that the other never crosses his or her mind or is the source of the what if? thoughts that we often have. Relationships change but can they ever fully end? In some cases where the interaction has been short and shallow then maybe things can come to a complete end. But I would be very hard pressed to believe that when someone has made an impact on another. There are people who have been a part of my life that have changed and shaped me. They may have been a crucial person to me for a long period of time or I may have only known them for a moment, but either way they left footprints behind and I am not the same because of it. These are relationships that I can't say necessarily exist now, though some of them do in varying forms, but these are relationships that I can't say have completely ended either, even if I haven't had any contact with the individual since. Though I think that the situation may be different still when it involves two people who were and maybe still are very much in love. When you've given so much of yourself to another so fully and had it fall apart is there any hope of letting go of enough of what happened to start anew? To rebuild a lost friendship? I don't know. This is what I'm trying to figure out. I think that if one wants to build a friendship with someone that once meant so much more they must first forgive past hurts and let emotions, be as they are, just lie. I don't expect that it would be easy to let go of emotions that are there, which is why I don't suggest that. Though, one must come to some kind of coping and understanding of them to be able to separate the new relationship from the old. One must let go of the person as they had known them and for all practicality, view them as a stranger, giving the opportunity to start again. I don't suspect that this would be an easy thing to do, and I would guess that in some cases that it would be impossible. There are some situations where I am sure that people are just not able to let go of the emotions related to another enough to be able to start over with them. It's very hard to be sitting right beside someone and yet miss them so much that your heart aches. When this is how one feels I would think it extremely difficult, if not impossible, for one to be able to even attempt a friendship with that person, let alone have it actually work. From my own experience, some of those who have had the greatest impact on my life are no longer physically a part of it, they occupy my thoughts from time to time but I no longer have any idea where they are or what they are doing. There are those who have had an impact and continue to have an impact and play a role, and for them I am always thankful. It is still yet to be determined if one of the people who have meant the most to me will remain a part of my life or not. Only time will really tell if we are able to move forward from what has happened to a point in which we can relate to each other in a different way. In many ways we are still very connected and I haven't yet figured if that will help or hinder the possibility of maintaining something. I'll find out sooner or later I suppose. I will never forget the way that those who left footprints behind have made me feel and the experiences which we shared. Life happens and time keeps us moving forward. I have those that I can turn to for comfort and those who make me feel loved. I won't forget the past, though, I hope that I have learned something and have become a better person for it. I cherish old friendships and will do my best to help the new ones last to become old. I can't help but think about what was, though now they are fond memories of past happiness. I'm doing my best to not let any of the random ramblings of my mind cause trouble for the pursuit of current happiness. He checked to see that the way I looked at him was still there and there is hope of never losing that or the way that he looks at me. Sometimes I wonder if he's getting all that he deserves of me but in some ways I think that he knows it will take time and I appreciate the patience. I'm still figuring out how to cope with the past and the current confusions that are the results. I do my best to be open and honest so that I don't appear to be randomly freaking out when my thoughts go all over the place. I try to maintain context, though this often doesn't work, at least not in a way that the context makes sense. Dealing with the after effects of a past love in combination with fostering the beginnings of a new love. The process which is the opposite of my initially posed question: the changes in a relationship going from just friends to lovers.

Buckles

How can you expect to be comfortable with anyone else if you aren't comfortable with yourself? You have to be able to accept yourself for who you are before you can be accepted by and truly accept others. No one's perfect. We each come with our own unique set of flaws and we just have to be okay with that becuase it makes more sense to learn to love yourself the way you are than it does to spend your life trying to be something that you just aren't. Just something to think about.

Thoughts on advice...

How much of the advice that people offer to you do you actually take the time to consider and think about? And how much of it gets a nod and goes in one ear and out the other? This isn’t something I’ve really thought much about but I heard the song “Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)” by Baz Luhrmann today and it got me thinking. It seems to me that whether or not we consider advice given to us depends some on whether or not we are looking for advice and who it is that the advice is coming from. Logically we are more open to receive advice when we are actively looking for it, looking for some direction from somewhere else. But we can be very stand-offish when it comes to receiving advice that we are not seeking. And to consider my other idea, that it depends who it is coming from, one’s opinion of the person offering the advice would have an impact of one’s thoughts on the advice or whether they even consider it at all. We are much more likely to consider advice from someone that we respect and believe that they know what they are talking about versus someone whom we lack respect for. Whether or not we consider someone’s advice probably also depends on whether or not we are able to relate their advice to current issues. Someone could give very good advice but if you can’t relate to it then it is rendered useless. Advice is only useful if one understands it. Someone could use some elaborate metaphor to make a profound point and lose everyone that’s listening because they don’t understand what is being said. There’s something about simplicity that just makes sense. Why complicate something that you shouldn’t? Things are only as complicated as you make them. Mind you it’s pretty easy to make things complicated. Doesn’t seem to take much. Oh well. I think that’s all I have to say for now.

Just remember:

Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere.

Baz Luhrmann Lyrics - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own...

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

Curiosity Poll - James Bond

(The following list taken from Wikipedia)

To date, six actors have portrayed James Bond in the official series. They are:
Sean Connery (1962–67; 1971)
George Lazenby (1969),
Roger Moore (1973–85),
Timothy Dalton (1987–89),
Pierce Brosnan (1995–2002),
Daniel Craig (2006–present).

So, my question to you is: who do you think made/makes the best James Bond?

Something else to consider...

Push the tool in and then work it back and forth. You may need to push it in further to keep it from slipping out.

(From instructions on how to open an ipod case to change the battery)

Random tip

Ask a stupid question and expect a stupid or smart ass answer.

What to do?

Distress. Frustration. Heartache. Pain. What do you say to someone when there's nothing to say? What do you do when you aren't physically there to reach out and hug them? All you want to do is give them a way to let go of their worries and pain, but how? Feeling helpless and upset because of it. Sensing that there's something more you should do but knowing you've done all you can. Stuck. Like a stick swirling in the eddy of a river. Going round and round and not knowing how to change this. Stuck in a loop of thought that can't be broken regardless of what is stated. Confused. Lost. Hating this feeling of being useless. Understanding the words but not really being able to relate. Knowing what is being said but not agreeing with it. Though, also not having the words to express the contrasting thoughts. Doing all that can be done but still wondering if it's enough. There is no real way to know and no way of changing it if it's not. Thinking too much. Stress. Worry. Fear.

Something to consider...

Sometimes it doesn't quite fit and sometimes you've gotta wiggle it a bit to get it to go in.

Cirque du Soleil - Delirium

On a tightrope stretched between two worlds, a dreamer searches for his heartbeat.

Life

How can we live in a world that is constantly changing before our very eyes?
How can we keep our feet on the ground and our head in the stars?
How can we open our eyes to the world around us and reconnect to our reality?

Journey

Dream

Seeking

Give in

Grow

Let go

Rise above

Take control

Watching from above

Reach out

Together

Spirit of possibility

Set free

"Everyday is a lifetime, we all walk a fine line between the earth and sky, take a stand at the frontline, keep reaching for the sky" [Excerpt from Lifeline]

(Taken from the program for Cirque du Soleil's Delirium)

Do you know what it means to feel serene?

"Serenity is a poster of a lily pad on a pond somewhere I’ve never been."
- Natasha Mandryk (http://mumblingmonkey.wordpress.com/)

This quote is from a blog entry written by a good friend of mine. It got me thinking about the idea of serenity and how many of us can honestly say that we know what it means to feel serene. With as hectic and rushed as everything seems to be these days, how many of us take the time to pause and just be? To get lost in the peace and stillness of a moment. Can you stop thinking long enough to just feel? What does serenity mean to you? When I think of serenity I think of peace and stillness, sort of a pause in the midst of the rush, a moment of just letting go. Dictionary.com defines serenity as (1) a disposition free from stress or emotion and (2) the absence of mental stress or anxiety. Are these the kind of things that you think of, or does something completely different come to mind? Maybe serenity is being in a lover's arms or sitting by a fire with a warm cup of cider. It could be curling up under a soft blanket with a good book, or looking out the window at undisturbed snow. What do you think? Do you know what serenity is? Is it something that you can honestly say you've experienced? Or is it this illusive place that you've only seen in pictures?

Chaos

According to Dictionary.com:

cha‧os 
–noun
1. a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.
2. any confused, disorderly mass: a chaos of meaningless phrases.
3. the infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered universe.
4. (initial capital letter) the personification of this in any of several ancient Greek myths.
5. Obsolete. a chasm or abyss.

—Synonyms 1. disarray, jumble, turmoil, tumult.
—Antonyms 1. order, peace, calm.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, last Wednesday a group of us went out for wings and some drinks. At one point during the evening a friend of mine told me that I'm chaos but wouldn't tell me why. I talked to him this morning and this is what I learned:

Apparently I am "totally chaos" as "some of the boys were butting egos over [my] attentions. Nothing serious, but quite amusing to watch."

My comment to him was that it's probably more amusing for him to watch as half the time I'm oblivious to things like that.

His response: "I think that's part of the charm, and part of the problem. You are very innocently open, forward, and friendly. It's easy for a guy to mistake that as interest. You don't mean it though, so foul."


This amuses me. I'm not leading anyone on or anything, at least not intentionally, it's just who I am. I'm friendly, flirtatious, and likely more open than a lot of people generally are. Flirting is fun and I don't really think they mind. My guy was there and he's not the jealous type anyway, so it's all good. :)

Communication Breakdown

Poor communication or just the lack there of is never good. People try to say what they're thinking and may not be able to get across what they want to. Others may not really be listening from the start. So, despite someone's best efforts the communication just doesn't work. This causes problems. Everyone gets left frustrated and often feeling unheard. You reach a point of giving up trying to express what you feel when you get the impression that no one cares. This is exasperated by those around claiming that they hear what you're saying when you know that they just aren't getting it. You don't know another way to tell them what you mean but they don't seem to understand the meaning of the words coming out of your mouth. Then what? Where does this leave us? Frustrated. Angry. Confused. Communication breakdown. It leaves people feeling hurt and unheard. Others don't understand what the big deal is. They think that something is being made out of nothing because they did not take the time to try to figure out where the other person was coming from. We have to do what we can to keep the lines of communication open, to listen to what others have to say regardless of whether we see it as necessary or trivial. Communication is a required ingredient to any successful relationship, whether it be work, family, friends, or romance based. If there's no communication how does anyone really connect with anyone else? You can't. So start with the basics and work your way up. Do what you can to keep from reaching the point of communication breakdown.

Buckles

Computer Frustration

Found this on another blog. Somewhat disturbing but anyone that's ever fought with their computer can relate to it. I know I can. Though I would not go to that extreme. I'd be more likely to throw the computer first.

OKCupid! The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test

Joe Normal

47 % Nerd, 34% Geek, 43% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.

A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.

A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored less than half in all three, earning you the title of: Joe Normal.

This is not to say that you don't have some Nerd, Geek or Dork inside of you--we all do, and you can see the percentages you have right above. This is just to say that none of those qualities stand out so much as to define you. Sure, you enjoy an episode of Star Trek now and again, and yeah, you kinda enjoyed a few classes back in the day. And, once in a while, you stumble while walking down the street even though there was nothing there to cause you to trip. But, for the most part, you look and act fairly typically, and aren't much of an outcast.

I'd say there's a fair chance someone asked you to take this test. In any event, fairly normal.

Congratulations!

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 31% on nerdiness

You scored higher than 52% on geekosity

You scored higher than 75% on dork points

The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=9935030990046738815

Look, it's a fractal! Oooo pretty. :)

According to Wikipedia:

In colloquial usage, a fractal is "a rough or fragmented geometric shape that can be subdivided in parts, each of which is (at least approximately) a reduced/size copy of the whole"[1]. The term was coined by Benoît Mandelbrot in 1975 and was derived from the Latin fractus meaning "broken" or "fractured".

A fractal as a geometric object generally has the following features:
- fine structure at arbitrarily small scales
- is too irregular to be easily described in traditional Euclidean geometric language.
- is self-similar (at least approximatively or stochastically)
- has a simple and recursive definition.[2]

Due to them appearing similar at all levels of magnification, fractals are often considered to be 'infinitely complex'. Obvious examples include clouds, mountain ranges and lightning bolts.

However, not all self-similar objects are fractals — for example, the real line (a straight Euclidean line) is formally self-similar but fails to have other fractal characteristics.

Mathematically, the formal definition requires that the object's Hausdorff dimension is strictly greater than its topological dimension.

From Horoscope.com

Today's Motivational Quote:
Tranquil pleasures last the longest; we are not fitted to bear great joys.
-- Christian Bovee

Today's Wisdom from around the World:
The reverse side also has a reverse side.
Japanese Proverb

This will pass

The deamons in my head screw with my emotions. One day I feel awesome and the next can just completely suck. There's no rhyme or reason, at least not that I've been able to figure out. I can't cry though I think I'd feel better if I did. On edge without knowing why and not really sure what it's the edge of. Why can't I just feel good? There's no logic to feeling the way I do. Disconnected. Alone but knowing that I'm not. Wanting to curl up in the arms of someone who cares and just forget about everything for a while. Not to worry about time or needing to be somewhere, but just being lost in the moment, in a feeling of comfort. I feel like I'm repeatedly running into a wall, asking questions but not finding any answers. I know by thinking about it I'm not getting anywhere and if anything I'm making things worse by increasing my frustration. I don't get it. This is not anything new but it doesn't make any more sense now than it did before. I guess in a way it's a part of who I am, and like it or not, I have to work with it. If I can find a way to make these periods of time in weird spaces shorter that would be nice. So far I haven't had too much luck. Sometimes I get lucky and something or someone manages to help pull me out of it but more often than not I just end up having to wait it out. I have enough awareness and am connected with myself enough to not do anything stupid when in these kinds of moods, as tempting as some things may be. Restraint is a good quality to have, at least in certain situations, and my off moods definitely fall in that category. I've seen too much of the results of others actions to do the same things myself, though sometimes it's tempting. Physical pain to drown out the emotions, but I know it's not healthy and in the long run will do more damage than good. I'm stressed, frustrated, and a little scared but I know this will pass, it always does. I know there are those who care about me and I appologize if reading this worries or disturbs you, I don't mean to. Just needed to write to get some stuff out of my head. Spewing out random thoughts helps me to quiet my mind and let things go. Put something on paper and I can walk away for a while. It's not a permanent solution but it helps get things into a better perspective and allows me to relax. My mind can be a complicated, scary little place but it's mine and I know things will be better tomorrow.

"In Relativity, Matter tells Space how to curve, and Space tells Matter how to move.

The Heart of Gold told space to get knotted, and parked itself neatly within the inner steel perimeter of the Argabuthon Chamber of Law."

http://flag.blackened.net/dinsdale/dna/book3.html

(: I love getting flowers. Thanks! :)

Girl advice care of Chris

Know the colour of her eyes because "she could ask you at any time!"

He took a chance

She knows him well and yet she is getting to know him all over again. She sees him in a different light without really understanding why. Not knowing what changed or how but going with the flow out of curiosity. Wondering how she never really noticed the way he looks at her and longs to touch her. To have a hug suddenly mean more than it previously had. Realizing the significance that the evenings she shared with him have held and now hold. Remembering the look on his face as he asked if she wanted to see what could happen. The feel of his hand on her cheek and the desire that over came her to be held by him. The amazement that he feels realizing that his fantasy is now real. A simple touch and a single kiss. The comfort found in the other's arms. Finding a peace that she didn't realize was missing. The irony in finding something after the search for it has stopped. Finding renewal and strength in an unlikely place, from an unseen bond. He noticed when she began to look at him differently but was unsure what to make of it for fear that it was just in his head. But then she held him a little longer and he could tell that she didn't want to be alone, she did not want him to leave her there. He took a chance, asked a single question, and leaned in to kiss her. Now they stand, hand in hand, waiting to see what story time may tell.

Cartoons

The following is a few cartoons around general reactions to the homeless in society. Have a look at these and consider your own reactions to the less fortunate than you.

Article from ed the magazine

Now I lay me down to sleep
At the youth emergency shelter, a team of guardian angels helps lost souls get back on their feet

Elizabeth Withey
The Edmonton Journal
Saturday, November 11, 2006

At the Edmonton Youth Emergency Shelter, it costs $120 to house one kid for one night. Food and personal items are donated
- - -
The orange wall clock in Edmonton's Youth Emergency Shelter kitchen reads exactly 9 p.m.

The doorbell rings. It's late October, and the temperature outside is just above zero.

Crisis assessment worker Michelle Reinhart curls h 12-hour shift started an hour ago, and she is still waking up for the night.

The doorbell rings again.

Reinhart looks up at the clock. Each chime is a call for help from a homeless teen.

"I'd better go," she says, and gets up from the table.

More than 1,000 young people make use of the shelter's services every year. The emergency shelter program provides basic services -- food, warm bed, clothing, bus ticket -- to homeless teens aged 15 to 18. Sixteen bunk-beds are available on a night-by-night basis at the 9310 Whyte Ave. location.

Reinhart is one of the shelter's many front-line workers. At 23, she is not much older than some of the youth who stay here, and her faded black jeans, black hoodie and skater shoes make her look more like a street kid than a social worker.

Looks can be deceiving.

Reinhart is well trained in behaviour management and conflict de-escalation, suicide intervention and aboriginal cultural awareness. She started as a summer student and now works the night shift full-time.

"I wasn't sure if I could handle it," she says. "I was worried, having a quiet voice, not being aggressive. I wasn't sure anyone would listen to me if I told them what to do."

Friends and family tried to talk her out of the job. "It's hard work," they told her. "It doesn't pay that well."

They're right. Reinhart gets by on a salary of less than $30,000. She shares her apartment with roommates she rarely sees. And she struggles to get enough shut-eye during the day.

"Today, the neighbour was taking down trees with a chainsaw," she says. "It's totally normal stuff, but it's your time to sleep and that drives you crazy."

Despite her self-doubts, Reinhart's gentle demeanour proves welcoming, not wimpy, with the teens during intake.

"Have you seen your boyfriend since he threatened you?" she softly asks an 18-year-old, taking notes on loose leaf. "Are you safe? Still scared?"

"I'm still scared, yes," the teen says. "Needless to say, I'm having my name changed."

Some kids are regulars; others are here for only one night after a family dispute. Executive director Deb Cautley says teen-parent conflict is usually the tip of the iceberg; counselling exposes a host of other issues: addiction, neglect, bullying, mental illness. Two-thirds of kids who use the shelter have been abused.

Reinhart says some parents send their kid to the shelter to "scare them straight" but it can have the opposite effect.

"It can give them access to opportunities to self-destruct," she says. "When you take away their family support, it can be a recipe for disaster."

As the evening ticks by, the shelter gets hectic. The doorbell rings at regular intervals. Several teens wait in the lobby for intake. The phone keeps ringing.

"We're swamped here, I'll call you back," staff member Carolyn Cox barks at the caller, then bustles to the lobby. "Who's next?"

Reinhart helps a girl find clothing.

"Do you have underwear and a sports bra?" the teen asks.

"Ya, probably," Reinhart says, rummaging through a pile of donations. "What size of jeans do you wear?"

"Like three, or zero, or one," the girl says. "Can I have a top bunk again?"

Cox is back. "Ya, you're in 16," she tells the teen.

"Yessss," the girl celebrates.

The mood is cheerful; the stories are not. One client is pregnant and needs an extra lunch to get through the day without going hungry. Another arrives with a clear garbage bag of aluminum cans slung over his shoulder; he sold his bus tickets to pay off a drug debt. A third just got out of detox at AADAC.

Still, Reinhart says the kids make good company.

"I like hanging out with them, seeing what their lives are like," she says. "And obviously when you make a difference, that's rewarding."

After registering, the kids head to the kitchen for supper. Food donations cover the table: green apples, sandwich triangles, veggies and dip, pumpkin pie. Baked potatoes and reheated pasta sit in large foil trays.

One kid, who goes by Hustler, says he is grateful for everything the shelter offers, but hates the stigma of being homeless. "Living in a shelter sucks," the 17-year-old says. "If someone asks you where you're living and you say a shelter, they think you're a street guy or a stealer. That hurts.
"I don't think I'm a street guy. But I have a problem with drugs, and I lost my place."

A 16-year-old girl, who goes by Twitch, is tired of the stereotypes. "They think we're rebels, and really we're trying to get a job and get our life straight,"she says. "They won't give us a chance. It starts to piss us off. People will walk two or three feet around us, or they'll cross the street."

Her boyfriend, Ghost, says it was "sketchy" his first night in the shelter. "You don't know what to expect."

The 15-year-old says he's happy to be a street kid. It's better than having beer bottles thrown at him at home, he says. He lived in a tent in the river valley all summer -- "it was chill, man" -- but the weather won't allow it anymore.

"We could be freezing to death right now."

At 10 p.m., the kitchen TV goes off. Those are the rules.

"It's in, eat, bed," Cox explains. "We don't encourage a lot of socializing."

One by one, the kids trickle off to the dorms. Some giggle or whisper to one another in the dark. There's almost a summer-camp feel to the place. All but one of the 16 beds are taken.

Reinhart collects the teens' clothing to do laundry overnight. During the wee hours, she catches up on paperwork, or does homework for her correspondence social work program.

Upstairs, Marek Szmidt and Kathryn McInroy are on the job with SkY, or Skills for Youth, a long-term residential program for teens ages 15 to 17 who are ready for stability. Szmidt, 25, and McInroy, 21, help the kids make and achieve goals -- school, work, counselling -- and facilitate reconciliation with parents, if possible. In exchange, the kids do chores, and abide by certain rules.

SkY is a more structured environment, but Szmidt says the work remains taxing.

"Dealing with one high-needs teenager is one thing," he says. "Dealing with 12 is another."

"Sometimes we see kids here who are here through no fault of their own," McInroy adds. "Parents who've said, 'See ya later, I'm done with you.' And it's easy to see, this could be anyone."

She says it's important to distance oneself from the work. "Everyone laughs and says I have a black heart," she says. "I'm not an emotional person. When I leave here, I leave here, and I leave things here 99 per cent of the time."

Szmidt says his job is gratifying, though the rewarding moments are rare.

"There are many days you don't see any results," he says.

Cautley admires the staff who work the shelter's front lines, but she doesn't envy them.

"I scratch my head because I sure as heck wouldn't want to do it. It's heartbreaking.
"But the kids have a little success, and it's so rewarding. Like someone who's been dry for two months. That's huge."

Those rewards are what keep outreach worker Quena Sanchez, 24, motivated. She takes crisis calls, and counsels youth on the streets, some of whom have left the shelter programs because they're too old.

Before her job started, Sanchez's mentality towards street kids was "oh my God, are they ever scary." Those views have since changed.

"I'm amazed at how resilient they are," she says. "It's a hard life, and they're very brave."

Being young, Sanchez says, is an advantage. Not only do the kids connect with her, but her own memories of hard times as a teen are still fresh. Sanchez, a Guatemalan immigrant, had trouble fitting in and suffered through her parents' divorce.

"A lot of it hits home," she says "A lot of things they've gone through, I've gone through."

At 6:45 a.m., the lights flick on in the dorm. It is still dark outside.

"C'mon guys, beautiful day," says Michael Becker, better known as Doc, dropping a basket of freshly laundered clothes. "Don't waste it."

Some kids sit up straight away. Others continue to slumber under their quilts. Many are wearing borrowed pyjamas; a few have slept in their clothes and coats.

Reinhart rubs her eyes. Like the teens, she is tired, sipping on her second cup of Earl Grey.

"I'd be happier if I wasn't working night shift all the time," she says. "But I haven't adjusted yet. On the days I work, that's all I do. I just work and sleep."

Ghost and Twitch know the morning routine. They hop out of their beds, strip off the sheets, put on fresh ones and head to the kitchen.

The smell of toast and coffee wafts through the air. U of A student Jennifer Anderson, 24, supervises at breakfast. She's chipper, telling the kids about her Spice Girls Halloween costume.

Several kids sit at the table in silence, listening. Nearby, a line-up is forming for the women's shower.

"How many girls? Eight?" Anderson asks. "Oh, man, I'm going to have to be the mean one. I'll give them 10 minutes each."

Homogenized milk, dry cereal, bread and condiments make up the morning menu. Twitch slathers her toast with jam. Ghost pours his milk. A new girl with a cast on her left leg munches on Cheerios. She broke her foot in a fight.

The guy who brought the bag of cans slouches in his seat, sipping coffee. He turns to Anderson.

"Guess what this is?" He points to a mark on the top of his hand.

"Do I want to know?" Anderson says.

"It's a crack pipe burn." He laughs.

Anderson says later it's frustrating when the kids talk about drugs, sex, or fighting.

Reinhart says it's just as frustrating "when they leave and you never hear about them again."

In the office, Doc is on "check-out" duty. He asks each kid what they'll be doing for the day. Hanging out at the library. Job-hunting. School. Working at a temp agency. Some have no plans.
Doc offers positive suggestions. But he is firm, too, refusing to let them off easy. After 21 years on the job, Doc is a veteran in shelter work. Still, "it's daily dilemmas with the kids. What is right? I feel like I'm playing poker," he says.

Each teen gets a lunch and bus ticket. "Sandwich? Muffin? Juice? Pear or apple?" Doc drops the items into brown bags.

"Do you have gloves?" a teen asks.

Doc says younger staff come to the job with messianic ambitions of saving people. He cautions them against those delusions.

"I try to get them out of that thinking," he says. "We can help the kids. They have to save themselves."

Doc's wisdom, realism and humour make him a favourite with staff and clients alike. He wants the kids to succeed but remains pragmatic about the challenges they face. "Whatever is, is right," says the Alexander Pope quote pinned on his office bulletin board.

Shelter work, he says, is a paradox:

"In some ways it's totally meaningless but we have to find meaning," he says. "We can't be defeated."

By 8 a.m., the kids are out on the streets of Edmonton. Reinhart's shift is coming to an end.

"I've had a lot of jobs in customer service, and at the end of the day, I feel like all I've done is get people coffee." She wrinkles up her nose. "That's not very fulfilling."

ewithey@thejournal.canwest.com
Read Liz's blog at www.edmontonjournal.com

YOU ARE HOMELESS IF YOU:
- live on the streets
- live permanently on unsuitable premises
- are about to lose your residence or income support, or are to be discharged from an institution

Source: Edmonton Housing Trust Fund

EDMONTON'S HOMELESS, ON OCT. 17/06
- the homeless numbered 2,618, up 19 per cent from '04;
- two-thirds were absolute homeless (no housing alternatives).
The rest were sheltered homeless (live in emergency shelters)
- 678 were aged 17 to 30

Source: 2006 Count of Homeless Persons in Edmonton

MAIN CAUSES OF YOUTH HOMELESSNESS
- poor personal choices
- drugs / alcohol,
- family
- criminal activity

Source for stats: 2006 Survey Homeless Youth in Edmonton

221 BEDS FOR AGES 21 AND YOUNGER
- Hope Mission Youth Shelter
- Inner City Youth Housing Project
- Youth Emergency Shelter Society
- Safe House, Catholic Social Services

442 BEDS FOR AGES 18 AND UP
- YMCA
- George Spady Centre
- Herb Jamieson Centre
- Women's Emergency Accommodation Centre

Top 3 coping mechanisms for homeless youth:
- Friends
- Music
- Drugs

© The Edmonton Journal 2006

My mind wanders around in circles. Thoughts of the past, the present, the future, and back again. Looking back on things that once were, events and people that have helped shape who I am now and who I am to become. I wonder about the things that life has in store for me, where I'll end up, and what comes next. I smile at the thought of a simple touch and a single glance. Remembering the way she looked at him and how he never seemed to notice. The things that he did to gain her attention that she repeatedly ignored. A look between lovers that proved they were not in the same world as the rest of us. The random things that one notices while watching those around them. I wonder what orchestra the man outside the coffee shop is conducting. I wonder how they sound inside his head. Watching him, the music sounds good to me. To see the world through another's eyes and get a completely new perspective. Making attempts to describe what I see to someone who's not looking and only sort of listening. There's only so much I can say when I know you are not listening. To begin to understand where I am coming from you need to listen to what I am saying but also be paying attention to what isn't being said. I watch the expression on your face and the way you move. It intrigues me to see what I can learn from what you don't say. Actions can express more than any words ever could. Some people say one thing and do another, what does this imply? It might depend on whether they are aware of the contradiction or not. Maybe they forgot what they had said or maybe they meant to say something different than they did. Hard to say. The particular situation would have it's own effect on the results. Nothing is ever as black and white as we may like it to be. Things happen in full color with all kinds of shades of grey. Take what you find useful and just go with it, don't worry about the extras, it all fits in somewhere and will eventually work itself out.

I've asked this question, and often give the same kind of response as Snoopy. I don't know why I am here and I doubt that I ever specifically will. Can't really say I have the slightest idea why any of us are here. Sometimes we can make a difference in the lives of a few and sometimes others change our lives forever. Why we impact certain people while having no effect on others is outside my comprehension. There are times when the role that another plays in your life will be surprising, and times when it's totally predictable. Sometimes someone will be there in a way that you did not expect them to, filling a need or a void that you weren't sure they could. But this can go the other way as well. Someone you thought you could lean on may fail to be near by when you need them most. There's no logic to this. No way of knowing before things are tested how they will turn out. If something feels good, then go with it. If things don't feel quite right then it's time to make some changes. Life is full of surprises and endless questions without answers. This is not to say that we shouldn't be asking questions because how would you learn anything if you never asked? Asking questions is the only way to attempt to find the limits of what one can know and understand. If you ask questions that you may not think you'll be able to find an answer to sometimes you'll be shocked to find that it was staring you in the face the whole time, you just couldn't see it, and never would have had you not asked the question to begin with. We're curious creatures, that like to learn. Asking questions is part of our nature. Think of any little kid trying to figure out how things work, to everything someone tells them their response is "why?" and they will keep asking until the person answering is stumped. Why is it that some people seem to lose this simple curiosity about the world around them? It's not that they know all there is to know because we have no idea how much we still have left to learn. You'll never know how something looks if you never see it. You can't know how something smells if you never took the time to breathe in. You'll never know a beautiful sound if you don't stop and listen. There is no flavour if you don't take a moment to savour the taste. And there is no way of knowing how something might feel if you don't have the guts to reach out and touch it. Life is a mystery that requires lots of questions and exploration to have any hope of figuring it out even slightly. Why are we here? I don't know, but I'll do my best to find out the facts that matter.

Rememberance Day

IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.


It's a poem that so many of us know but how many of us really think about it? We place a poppy on our shirt or jacket for a few weeks out of the year and pay tribute to those who fought for us to have the things we do and to be able to have our own lives. How many of us ever think of them otherwise? Do we remember the history, what really happened? Did we lose loved ones, or will we? Members of my family were soldiers, friends of mine now are, and some intend to be. I commend them on their courage and strength. I commend them on their commitment. I worry about their safety and well being. I wonder if there will come a time that they won't be walking off the plane when they arrive home. I hope for their safe return home, though I know that for some this will not occur. I wear a poppy today to honour those who have and do fight for their country and fellow citizens. I wear it with awe and admiration for what they do and a gratefulness beyond words.

A couple pieces of writing:

November 6

A new beginning

To start over, but not from scratch. To be able to share a smile, a laugh, and a hug. To love and be loved but not the same as before. No better or worse, just different. Knowing that someone cares about you and knowing that they see you as beautiful. Figuring out the differences between what they once meant and what they mean now. Determining what you meant and now mean to them. The process of rebuilding a friendship, letting go of past hurts and focusing on the here and now. I'm glad to have my friend, the one who knows me at least as well as I know myself. Someone who knows when to ask questions and when I just need to be held. Someone that I can laugh with and talk to about anything. This is what I have missed. Only time will really tell if this friendship can last but I'm willing to give my best to keep the bonds of friendship strong. We've been through a lot both together and at the hand of the other, but I believe that we are both stronger for it. Life throws all kinds of stuff at us whether we're ready for it or not. I'm generally pretty good at taking things in stride and rolling with the punches. Other's are sometimes surprised by the way that I do things and sometimes I even surprise myself. Sometimes the way my mind works and they way I look at things makes very little sense to others but generally seems to work for me. It has been said that every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. I would agree that often this is true but I'm not convinced that this is always the case. Sometimes new beginnings don't come from the end of something but from change. Things may change to the point that it becomes a new beginning without a distinct end to the previous. I'm not sure if you can follow my logic as I know it does not always make sense to anyone but me. But think about it. Sometimes things are redefined or significantly altered and then they require a new point of view to understand and work with. I guess one could still argue that it is an end, that there is some kind of line between what was and what now is even though both are very intertwined. Either way, we have reached some kind of new beginning and I am glad for that. I appreciate the chance to rebuild and the fact that what was has not been completely lost. You once defined me as your soul mate and I think in some ways that may still be true just not in the way it was initially considered. A soul mate is not necessarily a lover but is someone that you connect with on a particular level and deeply care for. By this definition maybe we still are soul mates and maybe we all have many soul mates that play various roles throughout our lives. It's a thought to consider. Maybe not all new beginnings are really beginnings, maybe they're just a way of coping with change. It's just a thought...


A late night wandering mind

Here I am, up late at night, just thinking. I wonder where you are. I wonder if you're alone or if you've got someone in your arms. Sometimes I wish that someone was me but I know that's not a current possibility. My mind wanders. I wonder with whom I may again find the escape of another's embrace. I long for someone just to hold me. To let my stress and fears melt away, even if just for a moment. To be lost in an embrace with no worries, just lost in the comfort of knowing someone cares. I wonder if you think of me and miss my touch the way that I miss yours. It's the simple things that I miss the most. A look, a smile, the warmth of an embrace... Maybe I'm a little too stuck in the past but knowing what I liked about what once was helps me to figure out what I want now. It helps me to begin to sort out what I'm looking for. I am currently still working on defining myself, though I suspect this will always be the case to some degree or another. I like who I am even if that's not totally defined, I'm okay with that. If one is too rigid in defining who they are then they are bound to get stuck. Time moves on and things change. We have to be flexible so that we don't break. We have to be willing to move with the cheese because if we don't the cheese that is currently available will run out and we'll be stuck not knowing what to do. If we get stuck in a routine and get too comfortable we will eventually get stale and left behind. We have to be willing to adapt to change whether we like it or not because change is inevitable. People who are too comfortable fear change and see all change as bad. Change can definitely be good. There have been times where I know I needed change and have become a better person because of it. Other times I have been the change to a situation that I was no longer happy with. My thoughts are all over the place. The past, the present, the future. Where am I? Where am I headed? Who knows, only time will tell. I sort of know where I am and I'm slowly starting to figure out where I would like to be headed. I'm in no rush because I know things are bound to change. Currently I'm doing my best to be true to myself and just going with the flow to see what happens. It's about all I can do with no specific plan or current destination. I'm totally okay with that. Life's an adventure and I'm along for the ride.

We'll see how this works...

I got sick of windows live space not allowing comments unless one signs in, so I thought I'd try this out and see how it works for me. I have not figured out a way to import my past postings so I'm copying some of the recent ones into this. If you want to see previous stuff of mine check out http://rantravecomplain.spaces.live.com/.

Cheers!