I can handle anything for 60 seconds...

Everything is temporary...

Sexy is an attitude

It's not a body.
It's not a shape.
It's not a colour.
It's not the clothes (or lack of).
It's not the hair.

It's an attitude.
It's a state of mind.
It's you.
It's me.
It's everyone.

Chew on that for a while.

Thoughts on lyrics

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?

~Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons

It's interesting to me how I relate to different lyrics. I really connect with these few lines lately though I couldn't really tell you why. I guess it has something to do with my state of mind recently and the questions that run through my head without answers. Curiosities, questions, decisions, no answers, no making any decisions. Concerned about hurting those close to me without meaning to, without knowing. I am who I am and I accept that. I also accept the fact that many don't understand and I can't explain. Ups, downs, laughing, crying, wanting to break free, wanting to curl up and hide. It's all there and yet it's nothing. It is what it is and I just have to stay on and ride it out. Somewhere along the way it evens out, it has to. If nothing else, I do know that there are a few I can count on to be along for the ride and regardless of what happens they'll still love me and accept me as I am. That I am grateful for, as I know not everyone can say that. The journey continues and I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and enjoy the scenery. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way and will keep in mind that I'm beautiful like me.

"Who's gonna miss you when you're gone?"
- Danny Michel

The things that connect us...

vs the things that keep us connected.

They are not the same. Do you understand the difference? As technology increases there are more ways to connect with others than ever before but are they really keeping us connected or pushing us farther apart? How many people do you interact with electronically that you have never met face to face? Probably more than you've interacted with in person. Scary thought. The world is not going to be taken over by robots, the way technology is headed we're going to become robots. We're going to be incapable of real interactions, feelings, life. What kind of life would it be to never really hear someone laugh, or see them smile? What would it be like to never feel the touch of another, never breathe in someone else's smell? I don't even want to imagine. I know it's a little contradictory to be putting this out on the internet given that I'm talking about human interaction vs technological interaction but whatever. Give me a break, I'm just trying to share some thoughts. I do my best to use technology to set up real interactions and keep in touch with those who are too far away to visit easily. I try minimize the technological interactions as I like real life. I like getting hugged and breathing in the scent of someone else. I like conversations over coffee that end in fits of laughter. There's something to be said about being able to capture moments in time in a way that makes them indefinite but you've got to remember to live these moments too because without them we have nothing.

Live every moment or you'll miss something.

From the movie "Synecdoche, New York"

Minister: Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. And you may never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but it doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along. Something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel whole, something to make you feel loved. And the truth is I feel so angry, and the truth is I feel so fucking sad, and the truth is I've felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long I've been pretending I'm OK, just to get along, just for, I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own. Well, fuck everybody. Amen.

Random quote found via stumbleupon

Think of a window:
it's a hole in a wall but through it
the whole room fills with light.
Similarly, when the mind is open
and free from his own thoughts,
life unfolds effortlessly,
and the world is filled with light.

Chuang Tzu

And just because it's October...

History of Halloween

There is mixed information as to the origins of Halloween despite it being one of the most popular party dates for adults in America. Despite not being connected with a particular religion, Halloween manages to combine spirituality, death, and religious beliefs together in our minds. Most sources seem to agree that the name "Halloween" has come from “All Hallows Eve” which referred to the night before “All Hallows Day” or All Saints Day (a Christian holiday). On this day they honour all the Saints in heaven through prayers and offerings.

Halloween is also connected with the Celtic tradition of Samhain. Samhain marked the end of summer and beginning of winter, also referred to as the Celtic New Year. On this night it is believed that the boundary between the living and dead becomes blurred and the spirits of the dead are able to return to earth. Costumes were used by people to deter spirits from possessing their bodies or making themselves unrecognizable to the spirits.

Trick-or-treating is another favourite tradition associated with this holiday. Who doesn’t like free candy? As to where this tradition comes from, the results are mixed. Some information says that it may come from the All Souls Day parades during which poor folks would beg for food, then receive “soul cakes” in return for prayers for the dead and “souling” – the practice of leaving food and wine for roaming spirits. Other information relates it to Samhain traditions of opening doors and providing food to the wandering dead which led to people dressing up as wandering dead and demanding food. And still other information points to it being a way to counteract the pranks and destruction that would occur with the holiday.

And we can’t forget the Jack-o-lantern. Again, the background for this is unclear. There is some Irish folklore that relates back to a man named Jack who tricked the devil then made a deal with him that resulted in him being refused entry into both Heaven and Hell. He was provided with a single ember to light his way which was placed in a hollowed out turnip to keep it glowing longer. Pumpkins were found to be more plentiful in America so they were used instead of turnips. Pumpkins are also recognized a part of the Native Americans’ sacred trinity of squash, beans, and maize – which is also seen in the form of candy corn and as part of Halloween decorations.

So, this Halloween take a moment to remember where your own traditions come from and watch out for spirits looking for a body.

(Information gathered from urbanlegends.about.com, www.history.com, and www.theholidayspot.com)

Forever in memories

I'm slowly beginning to accept the reality that I am no longer an important part of your life. As I think about it, I probably haven’t been for a while and it likely goes both ways. That makes me sad even knowing that it’s part of life, especially when life takes us in different directions. I thought I would see you, talk to you, more than I have. I don’t blame you. It’s just the way things went. I can’t help but think sometimes where we might be had a couple things happened differently. I guess it just fits the idea that people are in your life, or you’re in theirs, for a reason or a season. Occasionally there are bonds made that last a lifetime but these are few and far between. The elusive gem that we’re all searching for, and some of us are lucky enough to find. You and I were not meant to be lifetime friends, well not close ones anyway. I’m coming to accept it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Anyway, just wanted to put it out there. It is what it is and that’s okay. I just want you to know that I love you and I’m grateful for the time we shared and the person you helped me become.

9/11

Just realized that it's now 9/11. It's weird to think about. Definitely a good reminder of our mortality and how quickly things can change. Also, makes one question some of the things we consider truth, given that there are so many conflicting stories/beliefs around what happened that day. There's someone to blame yet the investigation is ongoing...because that makes perfect sense. It has been often shown that the best way to control people is through fear. When people are afraid they look for someone to tell them what to do so that they no longer have to be afraid or they at least have a specific target for their fear and therefore feel more in control and less afraid. Fear is often a strong and uncomfortable emotion for people. We look for ways to reduce the fear or remove the object of our fear. For example, someone who is afraid of the dark turns lights on therefore removing the source of their fear. Caught part of a show the other day looking at the conspiracy theories around the 9/11 events of 2001. Hard to figure out what the truth is when there are so many ways to interpret any given data/observations/happenings/etc. Some make more sense than others to different people. I still find it hard to believe that the towers collapsed solely as a result of being hit. Mainly because I don't understand how impact 3/4 of the way up would effect the support/foundation of the floors below. I understand that the floors above where the impact was would lose support and come down but why would that cause the whole building to fall apart? I know there was something said about the way the building was built in the first place and something about how the momentum of the falling floors would cause the ones below to collapse but I don't get that. They supported the weight of the above floors before why would the lack of space between floors change that? Anyway....that's my little rant for now. Don't know if it makes any sense and it doesn't really matter. It was a tragedy but it's in the past, all we can hope for now is that we as people in general learned something from it.

I raise my proverbial glass to those who lost their lives, were injured, or lost loved ones and hope that over time they have been able to find some kind of peace with what happened.

Hello,

Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can here me
Is there anyone home?

Random "a-ha!" moment

Do you ever feel that something happened because you needed it to? Someone came into you life at a particular time or you gained a piece of information at just the right moment? I've felt this and believe that some things are just meant to happen. The things that help us to remain headed in the direction we are supposed to go. I don't think everything's set in stone prior to things happening but I do think there are certain things we are meant to do and experience.

Last week was a rough week for me emotionally. I was a little all over the place and to some degree or other questioning a lot of things in my life. Sunday morning when I came home from work I picked up Chuck Klosterman's book - SEX, DRUGS, AND COCOA PUFFS (A LOW CULTURE MANIFESTO) - and read the following:

"No woman will ever satisfy me. I know that now, and I would never try to deny it. But this is actually okay, because I will never satisfy a woman, either."

My first thought reading this was "what?" but as I continued to read it made perfect sense. In the first chapter/essay of the book he talks about what movies and general culture has done to our expectations of what love and relationships should be. He uses When Harry met Sally as an example and discusses the fact that this is rarely how it goes in life. He states that more often the scenerio is that one person falls for their friend and the friend has no idea and in most cases does not return the feelings, thus leaving the person likely shit out of luck. Klosterman generally points out the fact that hollywood and our culture more generally has created these unrealistic expectations that we all measure our relationships against one way or another to be left unsatisfied because they don't match up. In reading this I came to realize that I need to stop wondering about what might be, might have been, etc. as realistically it's never going to be. Reality is never going to match the "hollywood ideal" or for that matter, my own mind's creation. It just doesn't work that way. I've established that I need to appreciate what I have and stop worrying about what I don't have. Focus on what's right in front of me and making it the best it can be. Accept my life for what it is and the fantasies for what they are and the fact that they will never be one and the same unless I base my fantasies on reality instead of trying to do it the other way around.

Thanks Klosterman, I needed that.

Life is what it is. Take it for that and nothing more.

LOVE AND THE REALITY

HOW DO I LET YOU KNOW WHO I REALLY AM

WHEN IT'S SO HARD TO OPEN UP 'CAUSE IT'S SO HARD TO FORGET PAIN

MEMORIES COME TO MIND BLADES GO THROUGH THE HEART

TEARS COME INTO EYES THE SOUL RIPS APART

HELP ME TO FIGHT WHAT NOW SHOULD NOT EXIST

HELP ME STAND UP TO FEAR SO I CAN HAVE WHAT I HAVE MISSED

I'M TRUE TO ME TO YOU I'LL NEVER LIE

I'LL KNOW IF YOU'RE NOT HONEST BY LOOKING IN YOUR EYES

A HURTING HEART IS SOMETHING I HOPE YOU NEVER WILL ENDURE

IT NEVER LEAVES TOO SOON OF THAT YOU CAN BE SURE

INSTEAD IT LINGERS ON NOT HINTING WHERE IT ENDS

EVEN IF YOU POUR IT OUT TO YOUR CLOSEST FRIEND

WHERE ARE ANSWERS STORED AND WHO HOLDS THE KEYS

WHO CAN HELP ME OPEN UP THE PRISON INSIDE OF ME

IF YOU CAN BE REAL HELP TO GUIDE ME THROUGH

I MAY BE ASKING A LOT BUT I WOULD DO IT FOR YOU

(found this in the front of a 12 step book and could relate to it, signature at the bottom of the page was illegible, so the author is unknown)

What if...

This has to be one of the worst tracks for my train of thought to go down. It causes me to question every choice I've made that has gotten me to where I am. I wonder what might have happened if I had done this instead of that. I wonder if there's still a possibility of rekindling the past. Things I shouldn't wonder if I want to live in today and appreciate and take care of what I have but I can't help it. It's just the way my mind works. Something's off lately, something seems to be missing but I don't know what. Obviously, if I did know I could do something about it, at least theoretically. I wonder about past relationships that have changed or been lost. I wonder about the ones I love and have loved and wonder if they think of me. I want to know if I missed something amazing and if so, will I get another chance to experience it? Too many questions leading to more questions, driving me in circles of confusion. I don't want to lose what I have but I can't help the curiousity of what I could have had if I had made a different choice. There was passion and care and love and I didn't take it when I had the chance. Tried to obtain it at another possible opportunity but nothing came of it. Maybe that means something and I should let it go. If only it were that easy...my brain, and apparently my heart, don't work that way. I am who I am and the choices I've made have gotten me here. I need to find a way to accept that for what it is and go from here. I need to stop living in my head, in the past, and live in today for tomorrow. I can't go back so why can't I stop thinking about it. I need a good cry, a good friend, and a hug.

The Wiccan Rede (Full Version)

Bide within the Law you must, in perfect Love and perfect Trust.

Live you must and let to live, fairly take and fairly give.

For tread the Circle thrice about to keep unwelcome spirits out.

To bind the spell well every time, let the spell be said in rhyme.

Light of eye and soft of touch, speak you little, listen much.

Honor the Old Ones in deed and name,

let love and light be our guides again.

Deosil go by the waxing moon, chanting out the joyful tune.

Widdershins go when the moon doth wane,

and the werewolf howls by the dread wolfsbane.

When the Lady's moon is new, kiss the hand to Her times two.

When the moon rides at Her peak then your heart's desire seek.

Heed the North winds mighty gale, lock the door and trim the sail.

When the Wind blows from the East, expect the new and set the feast.

When the wind comes from the South, love will kiss you on the mouth.

When the wind whispers from the West, all hearts will find peace and rest.

Nine woods in the Cauldron go, burn them fast and burn them slow.

Birch in the fire goes to represent what the Lady knows.

Oak in the forest towers with might, in the fire it brings the God's

insight. Rowan is a tree of power causing life and magick to flower.

Willows at the waterside stand ready to help us to the Summerland.

Hawthorn is burned to purify and to draw faerie to your eye.

Hazel-the tree of wisdom and learning adds its strength to the bright fire burning.

White are the flowers of Apple tree that brings us fruits of fertility.

Grapes grow upon the vine giving us both joy and wine.

Fir does mark the evergreen to represent immortality seen.

Elder is the Lady's tree burn it not or cursed you'll be.

Four times the Major Sabbats mark in the light and in the dark.

As the old year starts to wane the new begins, it's now Samhain.

When the time for Imbolc shows watch for flowers through the snows.

When the wheel begins to turn soon the Beltane fires will burn.

As the wheel turns to Lamas night power is brought to magick rite.

Four times the Minor Sabbats fall use the Sun to mark them all.

When the wheel has turned to Yule light the log the Horned One rules.

In the spring, when night equals day time for Ostara to come our way.

When the Sun has reached it's height time for Oak and Holly to fight.

Harvesting comes to one and all when the Autumn Equinox does fall.

Heed the flower, bush, and tree by the Lady blessed you'll be.

Where the rippling waters go cast a stone, the truth you'll know.

When you have and hold a need, harken not to others greed.

With a fool no season spend or be counted as his friend.

Merry Meet and Merry Part bright the cheeks and warm the heart.

Mind the Three-fold Laws you should three times bad and three times good.

When misfortune is enow wear the star upon your brow.

Be true in love this you must do unless your love is false to you.

These Eight words the Rede fulfill:

"An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will"

From http://www.wicca.com/celtic/wicca/rede.htm

the writing on the wall

tells you what to do
who to call
and where to go

sometimes you understand
and other times
it's incomprehensible

but it's always there
regardless
of whether or not
you get it

a piece of advice
that you can take
or leave behind

that choice is yours
but the writing on the wall
always remains

Dreams and memories

I had a dream about you last night.
~I haven't thought about you in months.~
I stole a phone.

We ran away laughing.

You told me you had six new tattoos.
~I remember the flaming evil smiley face.~
I slipped and fell into your arms.
~And fell all over again.~
Your touch felt so real, so familiar.

~Surprised me to remember so clearly.~
You said you loved me.
~I melted.~
I woke up;

hazy and confused,
feeling lost and alone.
~Broke my heart, again.~

just the wind

Arthouse theatre
thunder in the background
rain pounding at the door
some ungodly hour
and you could swear
you heard a knock at the door
you don't know how
but you know
this is not
the opportunity
you were waiting for
again
but louder
there's no denying it now
but you continue
to pretend
it's just the wind
and nothing more

You'll never soar

if you don't let go
of what's holding you down