Random "a-ha!" moment

Do you ever feel that something happened because you needed it to? Someone came into you life at a particular time or you gained a piece of information at just the right moment? I've felt this and believe that some things are just meant to happen. The things that help us to remain headed in the direction we are supposed to go. I don't think everything's set in stone prior to things happening but I do think there are certain things we are meant to do and experience.

Last week was a rough week for me emotionally. I was a little all over the place and to some degree or other questioning a lot of things in my life. Sunday morning when I came home from work I picked up Chuck Klosterman's book - SEX, DRUGS, AND COCOA PUFFS (A LOW CULTURE MANIFESTO) - and read the following:

"No woman will ever satisfy me. I know that now, and I would never try to deny it. But this is actually okay, because I will never satisfy a woman, either."

My first thought reading this was "what?" but as I continued to read it made perfect sense. In the first chapter/essay of the book he talks about what movies and general culture has done to our expectations of what love and relationships should be. He uses When Harry met Sally as an example and discusses the fact that this is rarely how it goes in life. He states that more often the scenerio is that one person falls for their friend and the friend has no idea and in most cases does not return the feelings, thus leaving the person likely shit out of luck. Klosterman generally points out the fact that hollywood and our culture more generally has created these unrealistic expectations that we all measure our relationships against one way or another to be left unsatisfied because they don't match up. In reading this I came to realize that I need to stop wondering about what might be, might have been, etc. as realistically it's never going to be. Reality is never going to match the "hollywood ideal" or for that matter, my own mind's creation. It just doesn't work that way. I've established that I need to appreciate what I have and stop worrying about what I don't have. Focus on what's right in front of me and making it the best it can be. Accept my life for what it is and the fantasies for what they are and the fact that they will never be one and the same unless I base my fantasies on reality instead of trying to do it the other way around.

Thanks Klosterman, I needed that.

Life is what it is. Take it for that and nothing more.

LOVE AND THE REALITY

HOW DO I LET YOU KNOW WHO I REALLY AM

WHEN IT'S SO HARD TO OPEN UP 'CAUSE IT'S SO HARD TO FORGET PAIN

MEMORIES COME TO MIND BLADES GO THROUGH THE HEART

TEARS COME INTO EYES THE SOUL RIPS APART

HELP ME TO FIGHT WHAT NOW SHOULD NOT EXIST

HELP ME STAND UP TO FEAR SO I CAN HAVE WHAT I HAVE MISSED

I'M TRUE TO ME TO YOU I'LL NEVER LIE

I'LL KNOW IF YOU'RE NOT HONEST BY LOOKING IN YOUR EYES

A HURTING HEART IS SOMETHING I HOPE YOU NEVER WILL ENDURE

IT NEVER LEAVES TOO SOON OF THAT YOU CAN BE SURE

INSTEAD IT LINGERS ON NOT HINTING WHERE IT ENDS

EVEN IF YOU POUR IT OUT TO YOUR CLOSEST FRIEND

WHERE ARE ANSWERS STORED AND WHO HOLDS THE KEYS

WHO CAN HELP ME OPEN UP THE PRISON INSIDE OF ME

IF YOU CAN BE REAL HELP TO GUIDE ME THROUGH

I MAY BE ASKING A LOT BUT I WOULD DO IT FOR YOU

(found this in the front of a 12 step book and could relate to it, signature at the bottom of the page was illegible, so the author is unknown)

What if...

This has to be one of the worst tracks for my train of thought to go down. It causes me to question every choice I've made that has gotten me to where I am. I wonder what might have happened if I had done this instead of that. I wonder if there's still a possibility of rekindling the past. Things I shouldn't wonder if I want to live in today and appreciate and take care of what I have but I can't help it. It's just the way my mind works. Something's off lately, something seems to be missing but I don't know what. Obviously, if I did know I could do something about it, at least theoretically. I wonder about past relationships that have changed or been lost. I wonder about the ones I love and have loved and wonder if they think of me. I want to know if I missed something amazing and if so, will I get another chance to experience it? Too many questions leading to more questions, driving me in circles of confusion. I don't want to lose what I have but I can't help the curiousity of what I could have had if I had made a different choice. There was passion and care and love and I didn't take it when I had the chance. Tried to obtain it at another possible opportunity but nothing came of it. Maybe that means something and I should let it go. If only it were that easy...my brain, and apparently my heart, don't work that way. I am who I am and the choices I've made have gotten me here. I need to find a way to accept that for what it is and go from here. I need to stop living in my head, in the past, and live in today for tomorrow. I can't go back so why can't I stop thinking about it. I need a good cry, a good friend, and a hug.