Happy Holidays!

Well, it's Christmas Eve and I'm at work. It's weird because I used to say that I would never work Christmas and here I am working over Christmas. I think the difference is that I'm not doing just any job but working with teens that have no where else to go. It's the holidays that remind me that I'm lucky and reinforce the appreciation I have for those that care about me. It makes me happy to know that there are people I can turn to, whatever may happen, and they will be there for me. I very much appreciate that fact as I am well aware that there are people that have no one else to turn to. I hope the holidays find you well and give the opportunity for good times and laughter with friends and family.

Wishing everyone the best, now and always.

Saying goodbye

I don’t want to but I think it might be time that I have to. I love you but I can’t keep doing this. I can’t handle it anymore. I would like to be friends but I leave that for you to pursue. You’ve said things to me recently that make me wonder if it’s possible and have led me to decide that what happens in that regard is now up to you. For now, all I can do is turn around and walk away. I need to figure out some things for myself so that I can move forward and see where life takes me. I’ve been stuck for long enough, it’s time to get out the chains and pull myself out. Part of me will always wonder what might have been and I know that I will always miss you. I just have to accept that, tuck it away, and keep going. One step at a time and each event as it comes. In some ways, I know that I’ll be looking for what we shared even though I know I’ll never find that again. In time I hope to find something. I know that it will be different, but hopefully just as strong and as good, if not more so. I will always hold close the memories of what we shared and wish you nothing but the best life has to offer. You have been a big part of my life and played a huge role in helping to shape the person that I’ve become. I am grateful for the love you gave me and the things you showed and shared with me. I am grateful for having the opportunity to love someone the way I have loved you. I’m just not sure where I’m supposed to go from here. There’s so much going through my head that just has no coherence to it, and this is why it seems to make the most sense just to try to let it go. Does this make sense? Can you understand where I’m coming from? I hope that you do. I really don’t want to say goodbye but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t take the “what ifs?” and “maybes” anymore. I have so many things that I want to ask you but I don’t see how it would be helpful. You aren’t currently available to me and I have to find a way to accept that. If there’s something you need or want from me I hope you let me know. If there are questions that you want answers to then I hope you ask. I don’t know what else to say, except…

I love you.
I miss you.
Goodbye.

The trouble is that you think you have time.
- Jack Kornfield

Sick of being in limbo...

What is it that binds us to others? Is it love, in whatever form? It could be a need or want that someone else fills for us. Maybe it's an addiction. What is it that draws us to someone and causes us to pull away from someone else? Why is it that we can care so much about some people and couldn't care less about others? What's different? Obviously the people are, but are we really that drastically different from those around us? Maybe it's just something in our own heads. I can't really say. I slowly gather random bits of information, but currently I don't know what to do with them. I don't have enough to complete the picture. There are all kinds of people that draw me to them and some that make me cringe and shy away. Why? I'm not sure. I haven't been able to figure out the common factor among those that appeal to me or what is lacking in those who don't. I don't know if these thoughts make any sense. I'm really just rambling to quiet my mind. I feel lost and confused and unsure what to do next. So, for now, I'm not going to do anything. I'm trying not to think too much but also not wanting to make any decisions too quickly. I keep commenting that I don't really know what I'm doing and it seems that the more I try to figure things out the more confused I end up feeling. There are some that would tell me to forget it and move on, and others that would say to follow my heart, and I'm sure still more with their own bits of advice, but I'm not sure that any of that is helpful. I don't think this is something that someone else can help me with. It's too much in my own head. It's like trying to find direction with a compass that has a needle just spinning round and round. Not exactly the most useful tool. I'm not really sure that I have any tools besides knowing myself and what I can and cannot deal with. All I can really do at the moment is just give things time. Maybe I'll get lucky and gain some clarity. Thinking of getting away for a while just to leave everything and everyone behind for a bit and just be me. Leave all worries and stress behind and give myself a chance to figure myself out and what it is that I want to do. Hopefully I can figure out something sooner than later as I'm getting sick of being in limbo...

Chains

Metal
Plastic
Real
Or imagined
These are the things that hold us back
The things that hold us down
Around ankles
Wrists
Neck
Or chest
They contain us
And keep us from gaining ground
They hide our potential and mask their fears
They’re our safety and our burden
A blessing in disguise
They encase our passions and empower our dreams
Lead us to fight
And go for our dreams
Some are put there by us and some put there by them
But they’re still the same
Our enveloping chains.

(Written June 1, 2001)

Thought for any day

Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Random advice from a good luck email

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: R espect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Running into the sun

"To fade away from this place,
To exist in a world of dreams,
To forget the confinements of space,
To live a different life, or so it would seem."
- from To fade from this place by Devon Coupland

This is something I think could be useful. Just to fade out and disappear for a while. Get away from everything to be able to get an outside point of view. Giving yourself the chance to gain a new perspective on what you're walking away from. To leave all stress and worries behind and live a different life for a time. What would be different if I were somebody other than me? Would everything change or would some things remain the same? If I were no longer me would you continue to be you? There are some who would likely not be the same and others who would not see any change. There are those who know me and I have left an impression on, those who know me that I haven't impressed anything of myself onto, those who have impressed themselves on me, and those who don't know me at all. Who would notice if I faded away? Would you? I wonder who would care, and who would wish me to return. Would you notice if I left today? Would it matter? Would you follow me into a world of dreams? I wonder what it would be like. Maybe we could find peace in the shadows or chase the stars along a moonbeam. Forget the logic of space and time and go wherever, whenever. Leave behind the confinements of reality and just be. Let go of pain and confusion and hold onto child-like wonder. See everything again for the first time. Loving for the sake of love. Learning to laugh just because it feels good. Smiling to make others wonder what you're thinking. Spinning till we fall down dizzy just for the pure enjoyment of the feeling. Doing what feels good without question or thought. Leaving sadness and fears behind. Walking away from heartache towards serenity. Skipping along, hand in hand, just because we can. And when we've had enough we can run into the sun just to feel its warmth as we fade away into something new.

An Excerpt From "The Tao of Pooh"

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.

"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."

"And he has Brain."

"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."

There was a long silence.

"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."

Detrimental effects of alcohol and other drugs

It disturbs me to try to wrap my brain around the fact that teenagers and young adults can already be alcoholics regardless of the fact that I've seen it right in front of me. I've met kids that say they want to stop drinking and doing various drugs which is good but the fact that they're 15 and 16 years old and have these kinds of problems saddens me. I have watched friends of mine go down a nasty road because they thought alcohol provided a nice escape from reality. It's really hard to watch knowing that there is nothing you can do until they reach the point of realization, until they are willing to admit that it is now a problem. I have friends that experiment with various drugs, they know I don't like it, and some of them know why. I've seen enough people with too many problems because of it. But again, there's really nothing I can do. I do the little things I can and put in my two cents when able but whether or not it makes a difference I really don't know. I know somewhere along the way I made a difference with one friend when he had the realization that he could be doing all the things that I was if he wanted to. He made some positive changes and did what he could in attempt to counteract some of the poor choices he'd made previously. I've had conversations with teenagers at early hours of the morning discussing the effects that various drugs have on one's body. Very strange. It's not something I can relate to and in this case that is something I am glad that I can say. There is no appeal to me. It seems that much of the appeal is an escape from reality, filling a desire to be somewhere else, mentally if not physically. I suppose that everyone has their own mechanisms of escape and for some people to achieve that they look towards drugs and alcohol. Maybe they see it as the easiest way of removing themselves from their current situation, at least momentarily. Personally, I would much rather get lost in music, the words of another, or just simply silence. I know this kind of thing won't work for everyone and I don't expect it to necessarily work for anyone but me. Everyone has to find their own escapes; I just hope that some find less destructive ones, and preferably sooner than later.

Is it possible for two people who were at one time very much in love to ever reach a point of just being friends? I pose this question and put it out into the void to find out what comes back. It's hard to believe that someone who meant so much to someone else can be cast out of their life completely. Though just because someone severs the connections between him- or herself and the other does not mean that the other never crosses his or her mind or is the source of the what if? thoughts that we often have. Relationships change but can they ever fully end? In some cases where the interaction has been short and shallow then maybe things can come to a complete end. But I would be very hard pressed to believe that when someone has made an impact on another. There are people who have been a part of my life that have changed and shaped me. They may have been a crucial person to me for a long period of time or I may have only known them for a moment, but either way they left footprints behind and I am not the same because of it. These are relationships that I can't say necessarily exist now, though some of them do in varying forms, but these are relationships that I can't say have completely ended either, even if I haven't had any contact with the individual since. Though I think that the situation may be different still when it involves two people who were and maybe still are very much in love. When you've given so much of yourself to another so fully and had it fall apart is there any hope of letting go of enough of what happened to start anew? To rebuild a lost friendship? I don't know. This is what I'm trying to figure out. I think that if one wants to build a friendship with someone that once meant so much more they must first forgive past hurts and let emotions, be as they are, just lie. I don't expect that it would be easy to let go of emotions that are there, which is why I don't suggest that. Though, one must come to some kind of coping and understanding of them to be able to separate the new relationship from the old. One must let go of the person as they had known them and for all practicality, view them as a stranger, giving the opportunity to start again. I don't suspect that this would be an easy thing to do, and I would guess that in some cases that it would be impossible. There are some situations where I am sure that people are just not able to let go of the emotions related to another enough to be able to start over with them. It's very hard to be sitting right beside someone and yet miss them so much that your heart aches. When this is how one feels I would think it extremely difficult, if not impossible, for one to be able to even attempt a friendship with that person, let alone have it actually work. From my own experience, some of those who have had the greatest impact on my life are no longer physically a part of it, they occupy my thoughts from time to time but I no longer have any idea where they are or what they are doing. There are those who have had an impact and continue to have an impact and play a role, and for them I am always thankful. It is still yet to be determined if one of the people who have meant the most to me will remain a part of my life or not. Only time will really tell if we are able to move forward from what has happened to a point in which we can relate to each other in a different way. In many ways we are still very connected and I haven't yet figured if that will help or hinder the possibility of maintaining something. I'll find out sooner or later I suppose. I will never forget the way that those who left footprints behind have made me feel and the experiences which we shared. Life happens and time keeps us moving forward. I have those that I can turn to for comfort and those who make me feel loved. I won't forget the past, though, I hope that I have learned something and have become a better person for it. I cherish old friendships and will do my best to help the new ones last to become old. I can't help but think about what was, though now they are fond memories of past happiness. I'm doing my best to not let any of the random ramblings of my mind cause trouble for the pursuit of current happiness. He checked to see that the way I looked at him was still there and there is hope of never losing that or the way that he looks at me. Sometimes I wonder if he's getting all that he deserves of me but in some ways I think that he knows it will take time and I appreciate the patience. I'm still figuring out how to cope with the past and the current confusions that are the results. I do my best to be open and honest so that I don't appear to be randomly freaking out when my thoughts go all over the place. I try to maintain context, though this often doesn't work, at least not in a way that the context makes sense. Dealing with the after effects of a past love in combination with fostering the beginnings of a new love. The process which is the opposite of my initially posed question: the changes in a relationship going from just friends to lovers.

Buckles

How can you expect to be comfortable with anyone else if you aren't comfortable with yourself? You have to be able to accept yourself for who you are before you can be accepted by and truly accept others. No one's perfect. We each come with our own unique set of flaws and we just have to be okay with that becuase it makes more sense to learn to love yourself the way you are than it does to spend your life trying to be something that you just aren't. Just something to think about.

Thoughts on advice...

How much of the advice that people offer to you do you actually take the time to consider and think about? And how much of it gets a nod and goes in one ear and out the other? This isn’t something I’ve really thought much about but I heard the song “Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)” by Baz Luhrmann today and it got me thinking. It seems to me that whether or not we consider advice given to us depends some on whether or not we are looking for advice and who it is that the advice is coming from. Logically we are more open to receive advice when we are actively looking for it, looking for some direction from somewhere else. But we can be very stand-offish when it comes to receiving advice that we are not seeking. And to consider my other idea, that it depends who it is coming from, one’s opinion of the person offering the advice would have an impact of one’s thoughts on the advice or whether they even consider it at all. We are much more likely to consider advice from someone that we respect and believe that they know what they are talking about versus someone whom we lack respect for. Whether or not we consider someone’s advice probably also depends on whether or not we are able to relate their advice to current issues. Someone could give very good advice but if you can’t relate to it then it is rendered useless. Advice is only useful if one understands it. Someone could use some elaborate metaphor to make a profound point and lose everyone that’s listening because they don’t understand what is being said. There’s something about simplicity that just makes sense. Why complicate something that you shouldn’t? Things are only as complicated as you make them. Mind you it’s pretty easy to make things complicated. Doesn’t seem to take much. Oh well. I think that’s all I have to say for now.

Just remember:

Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere.

Baz Luhrmann Lyrics - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own...

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…